Comments on Musings of the Lame: Ripples

WEll, I have read questions, many many times from ...

2006-01-29T15:02:33.006-05:00

WEll, I have read questions, many many times from waiting adoptive parents who question how will their mental illness effect a home study, how thier criminal records will effect things, how their cancer will impede their desire to get a child, how their other illnesses cen be gotten around....on on all the questions, there are always an answer from someone who had a similar situation and how they

Commenting also on the statement about adoptive pa...

2006-01-29T12:41:00.036-05:00

Commenting also on the statement about adoptive parents with mental illness being encouraged to adopt. That is not the case, as far as what I've heard (but I bet there are stories out there that would curl my hair). My understanding has been if an adoptive parent has a mental illness they cannot adopt, unless it's easily treatable like perhaps some forms of clinical depression. I personally

No, absolutely none of your children needed saving...

2006-01-29T12:36:54.506-05:00

No, absolutely none of your children needed saving from you. I certainly didn't mean to imply that at all, because it couldn't be further from the truth. And really, I do believe that voluntary child adoption needs huge improvements. I believe that adoption should be of absolute last resort to pregnant women...that all possible means of parenting help should be identified. If my daughter had

IF Voluntary infant adoption really and trully "sa...

2006-01-29T00:46:08.116-05:00

IF Voluntary infant adoption really and trully "saved" children from something they needed saving from, then I would not speak against it.
IF there was a way to guarentee that EVERY woman who lost her child to adoption, was trully a danger to the welfare of her children, then it would be a non-issue.

But that is just not the case. Don't muddle it by bringing in China and abuse. I do

BTW, Mom, 55% of child killings are committed by t...

2006-01-28T20:02:08.043-05:00

BTW, Mom, 55% of child killings are committed by the biological mothers of the children. Is that a better fate than adoption?

This belief that "adoption isn't okay" is what jus...

2006-01-28T20:01:17.730-05:00

This belief that "adoption isn't okay" is what just makes no sense. What do you propose to do with the little girls in China who are abandoned? What do you propose to do about foster children who have legitimately been abused by their legal parents and can't go back to that home? What do you propose to do with the thousands of children in Russia, the Ukraine, etc. who need homes? Just say no

Krisanne: statistically children are in danger of ...

2006-01-28T19:26:49.966-05:00

Krisanne:
statistically children are in danger of harm when a non relative moves in. Statistically children are not in danger from their moms. Those 400,00 children were most likely removed from their homes because of the devastation of poverty. "What if" the government provided a living benefit to mothers and children, the most vulnerable members of our society?

Because you

Krisanne: statistically children are in danger of ...

2006-01-28T19:26:05.593-05:00

I really get the difference. What I am saying is ...

2006-01-28T17:13:34.216-05:00

I really get the difference. What I am saying is that what IF all the mothers who end up abusing their kids...the kids who end up in foster care...would have chosen adoption when their children were newborns? Would you still be anti-adoption? I mean, really, do you realize that 400,000 kids are in foster care? That was 400,000 mothers who gave birth and thought they could parent and they ended

Claud's got it nailed (as usual). There is an eno...

2006-01-27T15:09:43.356-05:00

Claud's got it nailed (as usual). There is an enormous difference between newborn adoption and adopting children from the foster care system. I believe in adopting children who already need homes (i.e. those in foster care.) But I do not believe in encouraging women who could and should parent not to - because they are waiting parents wanting their babies. And, I believe in mothers who can't,

OK, oce AGAIN...HUGE BIG WALL separating FOSTER ad...

2006-01-27T10:36:48.556-05:00

OK, oce AGAIN...HUGE BIG WALL separating FOSTER adoption vs, VOLUNTARY INFANT placement....and in this post we are discussing the woman who voluntarily place...not the ones who have real issues of parenting.
Out of the literally HUNDREDS of mom's stories that I have heard, there is maybe 6 instances where I went."hmmmm..yeah..you were too fucked up to parent"...so OK..I'll give you 6 kids

Yep, that is true that it does have more to do wit...

2006-01-27T09:10:06.466-05:00

Yep, that is true that it does have more to do with willingness. You can't escape the fact though that thousands upon thousands of American children are languishing in foster care because their parents tried to parent them and failed miserably. How could it have not been better if they had been placed for adoption as a newborn rather than moving from home to home with their belongings stuffed

"Thinking that some women just don't have the stuf...

2006-01-26T17:54:21.260-05:00

"Thinking that some women just don't have the stuff...that's why women who don;t need to, end up placing..they beleive that they don't have the stuff either..and that is just sad."

Now this I completely agree with. =o)

See..that's where the problem is sometimes..."not ...

2006-01-26T17:10:30.583-05:00

See..that's where the problem is sometimes...
"not every woman who gives birth can parent"
Yeah, she probably can..if she chooses too. Even in the worse case senerio..say an addict..she could choose to stop, go into rehab, etc. One can choose to go to parenting classes and learn, one can choose to go into theraphy, one could choose to ask for help, one could choose to forgo their

Cookie, it's not so much that I'm believing what I...

2006-01-26T14:40:47.260-05:00

Cookie, it's not so much that I'm believing what I need to. After all, I know how much one of my childrens' birthmothers wishes she could have parented him. She has expressed many raw feelings to me that have made me forever wonder why/how things happened. I wish I *could* say that both of my childrens' birthmothers were at peace, but I do know that is not the case. I was just trying to

I would like to add that MOST adoptees say that it...

2006-01-26T11:41:40.946-05:00

I would like to add that MOST adoptees say that it is a non-issue in their lives. Every adoptee I ever talked to, starts off saying that. You find out more, being adopted also, and sharing stories. A lot of times there's a world not shared.

It's my experience that women, even those who say,...

2006-01-26T11:39:52.290-05:00

It's my experience that women, even those who say, "Oh I love adoption, it was totally the right thing!!!" break down and cry like babies no matter how long ago it was or how much they say they are happy. Adoptees is a different issue. That's a trauma experienced at birth that a person has no memory of, so why would they relate to that? It doesn't mean parts of their lives haven't been effected

Kris-Anne. I understand your need to want to beli...

2006-01-26T11:02:33.913-05:00

Kris-Anne. I understand your need to want to believe that some women actually place their babies for adoption and do not suffer grieviously or regret their decision. And your theory sounds plausible, but, I am a mother who relinquished my second child and some of the other circumstances you referred to applied as well. Knowing what I was losing only made my regret, pain and lose worse. Even

I've been communicating with members of the adopti...

2006-01-26T08:54:57.630-05:00

I've been communicating with members of the adoption triad for over 10 years now online. I've heard so many really interesting stories. I certainly can't "prove" it, but I've noticed more peace in first mothers who placed second or third born children rather than first born. Like they had more of a clear sense of what they were giving up, so they only did it if they really needed to. I know a

On denial...I think it is possible to place a chil...

2006-01-25T23:51:04.466-05:00

On denial...

I think it is possible to place a child, be "content" (or maybe I should say "secure") with the decision, and never regret it... and not be in denial.

But I think it's rare.

I think in order to have that, women need to place for reasons THEY truly believe in (as opposed to society's/their parents'/the agency's reasons), and that their beliefs need to stay

Maybe. I know that I do balance out all the conte...

2006-01-25T20:06:31.383-05:00

Maybe. I know that I do balance out all the content I have with the wtf did I do thoughts. It's not as if they don't exist because I'm not that loony. I think my contentment comes from knowing who I was at that time in my life and the knowledge of the factors that would have played out had I kept Bj.

My husband and I had a seriously tough time getting used to each other the first few

Claud!! Oh Claud, you write so wonderfully. Honest...

2006-01-25T19:01:19.666-05:00

Claud!! Oh Claud, you write so wonderfully. Honestly, I am so glad you keep up your blog. Sometimes I feel like...hmmm I don't really need to have a blog, the other ladies have it taken care of. As long as the world is reading your eloquent arguments for the support of women in crisis pregnancy, I feel so much better about everything.

Ah, but, remember if you are in denial, you will o...

2006-01-25T17:33:09.470-05:00

Ah, but, remember if you are in denial, you will only know once you are out of it! I was fairly content for nearly 32 years. Had no clue that I had a mess of feelings buried. It was not pretty though when I had my WTF reality check.

Maybe if you truly believe that you wouldn't have been a good parent to your first born and never change your mind about that, you can be/are content. I

Am I in denial then? Sure I would have loved to p...

2006-01-25T14:02:58.986-05:00

Am I in denial then? Sure I would have loved to parent Bj and I hate saying "but..." after that statement.

The magic wand of personal responsibility needed to fix the problems that were occurring in my life to parent Bj would have had to be powerful stuff. I had someone hassling my dad on my journal last week that totally got under my skin that if he had been supportive instead of the

Ah yes, the awakening! For me it was when I got a...

2006-01-25T13:53:23.253-05:00

Ah yes, the awakening! For me it was when I got a call nearly 32 years after I relinquished my son. And my safe insulated little world got rocked - hard. For over a year, I grieved, wept daily (at least once, sometimes more)and searched for answers. There were days I thought death sounded better than the continual pain. That "How could I have done it - given my son away?" was one of the