The Us Census Ask us to Differentiate
Last week, I received a very nice message inviting me to read a blog post over on Salon on the Census and Adoption, and so, I did.Then, I saw that Jenna had written another blog post herself on the same subject which was the Census and Adoption. And I read that too.
Both of the posts, while one written by an adoptive mother and one written by a birthmother, had the same view on the US Census and the addition that, this time, they asked if one's child was biological or adopted. Both, found it to be wrong for very similar, yet slightly different, both very intelligent reasons.
"Aren't there enough traumas inherent in adoption as it stands as to avoid adding more insult to injury by looking to distinguish adopted from biological children."
"Do we need to keep reminding adoptees that we view them as different, as not quite the same, as less than? Do we need an official form that states, oh yes, adoptees are different?"Really, both are great posts and you should go read them.
Now, I have to admit that I had already filled out my own census information and went over those check boxes without much thought at all. But, the posts got me thinking. Not so much as they why aren't I seeing it as a big deal..because I can see both their points as valid, but in the bigger sense..
Are Adoptees Different?
And I have to admit, that I want to say Yes.How can they really be the same? While I know that all adoptees are not the same and it is not right to generalize and that all will have unique experiences and feelings regarding adoption depending on their own personal stories, their own internal makeup and where they are in life.. still, as a whole, it's NOT the same as being born into a family!
Isn't it not part of the many issues in adoption that we, as a society, as a culturally, as historically, tried to make adoptees fit in with families as if they were born into them? Is it not part of many adoptee issues that they were not told of their adoptions and only felt often, through some deep sense of feeling that they were different somehow, that they did not fit in? Is it not seen as wrong that that were not told, not given their own history, not allowed their own cultural heritage, denied, still, their own legal documentation, as if it didn't matter? Don't we now frown on "matching" blond hair with blond hair, a good Irish Catholic babies with good Irish Catholic Families? Wasn't all that and more part of the problems?
So now, is it because we celebrate open adoption and the lack of all that "sameness" all that false pretend, that we think that it is OK? That if we remove those things seen as "bad" we can now completely mitigate what makes an adoptee different? If we acknowledge them as openly adopted then they are the same?
They Are Still Adopted, and that's IS Different!
Even in the perfect adoptee world, under the best of all possible scenarios, an adoptee still has at least two mothers and two fathers. In fact, even more so now with open adoptions is that duel mommy action part of their every day makeup. Something that adoptees have to take in and process and other kids really don't.Does that not make them different?
Now, we are finally beginning to understand that some adoptees might have a certain sense of pain and loss form adoption separation. Not to start a major Primal Wound Debate, but we don't have Primal Wound Debates over non adoptees. We just don't. The fact that they might possible have some kind of Primal Wound, does that not make them different?
Who else but the adoptee and the siblings of adoptee have "birth siblings"? Even blended families don't deal with the birth identifiers. They have step siblings and half sisters and regular run of the mill in-laws and ex laws and all that fun stuff. Who gets to deal with "birth mothers and fathers and biological verses adopted brothers"? Only adoptees.
Who else but adoptees are not allowed to have access to their original birth certificates? No one except those in the witness protection programs and, oddly enough, I just found out, my boss. Granted that is not THEM being actually different, but treated differently, but it obviously has a great affect on some!
I mean, I can get out almost any book on the shelf next to me, or pull out a research paper out of my filing cabinet and start listing "adoptee issues". And again, I KNOW that not everyone will have all of the issues and NO, I KNOW that it's NOT just adoptees who get screwed up like they say, but still:
- Genetic Mirroring
- Genetic Sexual Attraction
- Adoptee Loyalty & Gratefulness
- Self Esteem and Identity Issues
- Trust Issues
- Depression and Anxiety
- Over representation in the mental Health Fields, Prisons, etc.
I can't help thinking that no matter how hard one tries, not all will manage to avoid some of the less that desired feelings simply because, yes, your child was adopted! You can't mitigate the very circumstance cause your child to BE who they are. And somehow, though I know that many adoptees are just fine or claim to be fine .. not everyone will escape it. And I don't know who will have the most sensitive child or the one that just feels things so deeply or genetically doesn't wish to talk it out and share no matter how hard a loving parent/s can try.. they are going to be affected simply because they were adopted.
I guess I just don't see the point in trying to make it out as if they are the same. Adoptees are not the same as everyone else. It's like if we are all born clean and pure and without any crap and baggage, but then we heap on adoptees at birth this heavy load of crap. And somehow, they have to a) carry it around for a while when they don't even know what the heck it is. Then they might realize that other people don't have the same size load. Now granted, no escapes their own load of crap, so somewhere in it some might feel happy that they got their bad rather than someone else's, but still that doesn't make their go away. Now the lucky ones will have someone by their side and helping them carry the load and hopefully take things out when they can, teach the kids how to process it and repack it so it doesn't bump them in the spine all damn day, but still.. it's a load of baggage that anyone not adoptee just won't have!
That Makes Adoptees Different!
And please, I am not saying that ANYONE who desires to protect their child of this is at all wrong.. it just gets me thinking.. and for me.. this is all processing anyway for myself.. so don't get all huffy.. I'm open. But, I just wonder why it is that saying they ARE the same will help? By insisting that adoptees are the same won't it just end up hurting them more?Don't they have the right to know that yes, they have a special bag of crap to carry that is only for adoptees? Don't that have the right to be acknowledged as having something else to deal with? I can't help thinking of how it is to be a birthmother and not know what it really meant for so long.. and then having other mothers come here to this blog or send me emails and they one thing that they say over and over again is:
"Thank you.. Now I know I am not alone. I know that I am normal. I don't feel crazy anymore"By protecting the adoptees from being different, do we deny them the rights to be acknowledged for their feelings? And different isn't always necessarily BAD,( despite my previous reference to a bag of crap) it's just different.
That's what I wonder.
Adoption Makes MY Kids Different than other Kids!
I think about my own three sons and yes, they are different. They have their own bags to carry. Max, the adoptee, is not the same as Garin.. he has not the same issues, the same feeling the same life at all. And then Garin verses Tristan, though I have parented them both, are very different too. Garin had to deal with a divorce, and often absent father, a step father, etc. Tristan, only still a sweet seven, is probably the luckiest of the three so far in many ways.. we are ideal in that nuclear family way and also, he has a sister whom he has never been without and they might carry the same baggage and help each other out along the way? Or maybe not, perhaps their life's traumas have still not come to them and they will carry their own too. Plus they will have to deal with the force, and loss, of adoption in their own lives. But, there is no way I could say that they all have the same issues though they are all my children, that they are the same. They are not.. and as clearly as I can state that Garin has issues from an often absent father, Max also must have some baggage from being adopted.. even though he too is from that ideal in that nuclear family way ( with another ideal in that nuclear family as well).Aren't I a better mother for seeing those differences and acknowledging them? Just in the same way that I see my two youngest as different people with different ways of dealing with the world with their own personalities even though they are from the same set of parents and the same genetic makeup? None of my kids are bad. But they are unique and they have different lives and different sets of feelings and some of them DO stem from adoption being part of our lives.
No bad, not horrible, not damaged; but Different.
So aside from the fact that I LIKE that someone is FINIALLY is trying to keep some stats of adoption and I DO hope that the census information might possibly show our governments that adoptee legislation is important, I can't feel that indignation that they have NO right labeling adoptees as different than biological children.I feel relief that they are seeing it; that the government is not pretending that they adoptees are the same. I can only hope that the rest of society can follow the lead and acknowledge that adoption comes with a whole set of things ( I don't want to call them issues because that sounds bad, so we'll just say things) that make adoption different.
And maybe I am all wrong, but I think I need the adoptees to tell me so.
