Birth mother Assimilation via Facebook

Once upon a time, I had a life and adoption, while affecting my life and all, was really not part of it. The kool aide was still in my system and I was sleeping in Egypt. I understand it. I functioned and did what I had to do. It's survival for many birth mothers. Then, about 8 years ago, cable Internet was introduced to my house and the first thing I typed in was adoption. That was the first step on the long journey that has brought me here today.

Even when I was completely engrossed with online adoption happenings, I was silent about it in my real life.

I still carried the secret that it HAD been part of my life and that it affected me in any way. It was only when I was actually in the process of finding Max that it did begin to break out into my real everyday occurrences. It became just to big and I was overwhelmed with excitement. It wasn't something that HAD happened to me, but was something that was happening RIGHT THEN. But right around the time of this blog's birth, three years ago, I became much more comfortable with who I was because of adoption. Attending conferences, learning to speak out, finding that people understood my point of view..was very liberating and I was proud of what work I was doing. Then, last year, when I started my job and was exposed to every world on the Internet, I had a hard time really seeing my place in the whole scheme of it. Our little adoption niche was nothing when compared to other blogs, other happenings online and I lost sight of what was important in a way. I found it harder to be "Claudia the Adoption Blogger" because I was also trying to be someone else online. I had to know about other things. And then be other people and care about their stuff. I had to separate who *I * was and be more.

In my professional work, I had to become prolific in understanding Facebook.

I hated facebook at first. I didn't get all the pokes and throwing cows. I don't use the Internet to play games. That's Rye's job. For me, it's my job now and what I do. An educational tool, a way to process my life, a way for me to understand and be free. So Facebook, what do I want with fake plants?? If I want fake things I will give in and play WOW with Rye! But then, something really amazing happened. All these dear people whom I have wondered about for years began to show up on Facebook and they were happy to find me. Oh I laughed that they found me, when I , master of hunting down facts and information and adoptees lost online had looked for almost ALL of them at one point or another and could not find them, but wow, it was great!

Of course, the adoption community online, as apt as always with our careful Internet prowess also was on Facebook...

and so is my family, and old school friends, and then old friends from Long Island, and work friends and bosses and colleagues, and then home friends and neighbors and then the things and connections I make at work professionally.. and oh my! They are all coming together!! One of my key goals or themes for this upcoming year is assimilation. Finding that balance between all the things I am and all the things I want to do and all the things I have to do and simplifying and organizing and just being better at who I am. And so here I am, determined to NOT go back to Egypt and hide, yet afraid as I use the Internet as I do for this adoption work, that I will be "Claudia the insane adoption chick". I still seek balance, but I must be who I am. Of course the other side of this second "coming out" is that, people who have not known me in regards to adoption and do not understand who I am based on this say, well.. those good old things that we have heard so many times before. And I expect it from an open forum online or when commenting about some news story or even when I go to speak to those I know do not know the real truth. But today, I got it from my cousin. I'm usually lucky in that I can say enough clearly right from the start that I don't get upset. And granted, while this is my first cousin and as kids we looked like twins, my father was an ass and kept us separated from his side of the family and they all grew up close and I will always regret that I was denied that closeness with my family. Kind of like adoption! They are, most like me in attitude ( usually) and our general say what you mean and mean what you say. It's sad. But, while I know she really does not KNOW me, I was able to tell them all of Max and the story about two years ago. I could swear I blogged about it, but I can't find the dern post now. Anyway.... I thought she was there for that whole conversation. I know her sister was and was very kind and understanding to me, but whew.. when she first wrote this on my wall today I thought that she was like, Rye, who sometimes says something outlandish just to get my blood going:

I believe that adopted children should never be told that they are adopted.

So I replied just that:

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that...or you want to kill me!

Figuring, that's enough, but I am thinking.. noooooo..you really don't want to go there with me!

But she did. Yeah, I had the whole first part of the conversation here, but really..it just got much worse and...well, it kinda sucks. I do want to , though, put it all together in it's entirity becasue it's almost like a weird sick look into the hearts and minds of ignorence. Let's just say that exchange has left me physically shaken. Though I do hope that she has some desire to understand, ( she does not) I am not having this argument with her as she is my cousin( but we did) I can only hope that she does come here and reads..and reads the others moms and the adoptees and the adoptive moms who know the score.( And she found fault with all of that too) So If you land here, my dear lost cousin, Welcome. ( or not) And I thank you for letting me know that indeed, we still have allot of work to do. (Oh and that sometimes blood means nothing, I guess.) And I thank Facebook for giving me this opportunity to expand who I am and come full circle and be more completely myself... in all aspects. And just because, I have been thinking this and it kind of fits in here.. I wanted to mention something. Three plus years ago, when I first saw that there were adoption blogs and other moms blogging, the best adoption blog was the creme de la creme, The Daily Bastardette. That was the blog I admired most. I was afraid of Marley and who she was... she was Bastardette! And I was small and lowly ion my eyes. Since then, I have had the best times with her at various conferences and such and I love that I have gotten to know her as a person. But still, the other day when I popped over to catch the adoption news briefs from Marley, I was very touched by her mentioning my return to the blogosphere. And it struck me how honored I was. I have been touched and honored by everyone who has made mention and welcomed me back and relieved my guilt, but My Montel moment a classic??!And in that moment I realized that I was very happy with who I had become, of who I was, and that she did such a thing. That I had grown into someone that is considered beloved by Bastardette! And it felt like I achieved at something I had set out to do when I first began blogging those three years ago. ( Not that I set out to kiss her bum!! lol).. but.. wow.. I had admired her blog so much and I remembered that then, while reading... it just felt real good. Assimilation. Bringing all parts of myself together. Sometimes the pieces don't fit quite right and sometimes they do. And sometimes you got to cut off the parts that rot. *** Please note: If my choice of words leaves you wondering, please see Adoption Language and SEOfor more explanation.