Feeling Inside out...
It's really quite amazing how..
IF nicotine is a drug, then why do I feel normal with it..and NOT having it in my body makes me feel..well like I am on drugs??
Seriously, that first day...last wednesday..I felt like I was stoned all day..and about to trip my face off. I am glad that went away. It was unplesant.
Yes, I still frequently have the desire to kill people..and I am not such a nice person right now.
The thing that really kind of scares me...My cigs..they really helped me cope.
Like if I became upset about something...
Rye pisses me off...OK go have a cig.
Kids very loud and annoying..ok go have a cig.
Bad tippers at work..ok go have a cig.
Even last week...Max's father shows up in my resturant...what do I do? GO HAVE A CIG!
If I am about to cry...which is my natural response to...sadness, depression, anger, fustration, annoyance, etc..I have a cig..and that helps me gain control again.
Breath in, breath out..push those emotions back into the box. Control, maintain..Ok back to life again.
Now we can get all deep and stuff...though I started smoking sometime before Max was concieved, really I accepted me as a smoker aftyer I surrendered..and yeah, there might be some correlation to finding Max, reunion, and now disposing of my crutch..but maybe not? I don't know. I suppose smoking is better than PTSD, or bulnemia, but I am suppose to be all strong and stuff.
Oh wait, isn't that what they taught me..and it was crap? Riiiighhhht.
Yeah, so now....OMG..I am having HUGE HUGE HUGE troubles controlling my emotions. I am so all over the map. Like in the last five days..I have gone ONE day without crying..hysterically..one. Friday, I did not cry. Sunday, I layed on the floor on my attic in a fetal position for 30 minutes with huge deep soul sobs. That kind of freaked Rye out. I think he is waiting for me to "get over" my crankyness.
I am kind of scared that this might be a sign of things to come..the new "non smoking me" the very emotional, no way to push it back down into my emotional cellar, I feel it all very accutely and I am not ignoring it this time baby! Sucks when one has to take ones own advice..got to live though this, Claud, got to live though this..can't go over it, can't go around it, got to go through
___________
ANYhoooo...Before I know it I will be getting my butt down to virginia for the conference. Check out my cool animated sidebar linky!
Now they sent me a pretty interesting list of perks and expectations. It kind of made me chuckle. I would print it here, but I don't want to seem like I am mocking them at all...coz I am not. It's just funny..kind of.. I don't think I have ever fit the criteria for anything before in my life. LOL
Oh wait..I forgot the "perfect birthmother" material citeria!! DOH!
Anyhopoo..ths point of bring this up///I can interview people down there..which is very cool. And really, I am one of thiose where I like to talk to everyone, but always forget to take the pictures, or make the notes..it all exisits in my head. SO I need help.
Look at the speaker list.
Who would YOU interview..and what would YOU ask! Tell me what to do here folks. I quit smoking. I cannot think!!! Be my brain!
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Its courious your philosophy, I like it.. greetings
ReplyDeletesigh no addiction is easy to beat. after all, there's a reason we got addicted; if we could have handled the emotions in the first place we wouldn't have started using our drug of choice.
ReplyDeletelook around for other coping skills; yoga, relaxation tapes, exercise, music, learn to self soothe in other ways. it will help.
stay with it and good luck!!!!!
uh....do I want to drive to DC with you in this condition? LOL. Kidding...(kinda). But seriously, hang in there. You can so do this. You are amazingly strong. You did not let adoption beat you. Dont let nicotine.
ReplyDeleteSo excited for DC! Cannot wait!
hi Claud! kicking smoking is indeed very hard. it's been 25 years for me and i still "get the desire" sometimes to go buy a pack and light up. :( but i held my father's hand as he died of lung cancer, and slow suffocation over many days is NOT a pleasant way to go. It is about the worst in fact, as he felt like he was drowning.
ReplyDeleteBut here's a secret for you: in part, smoking calms us down because *when we smoke we often do a form of "square breathing."* i.e. inhale slowly, hold it in for a while, then exhale.
BUT, this breathing works on its own (without cigs!) to calm panic attacks, anxiety, etc.
Inhale to the count of 4, hold your breath the same amount of time, exhale ditto, and then wait the same time before inhaling. Increase 4 to 6 or 8 or whatever you feel comfortable with.
my doctor recommended it for panic attacks. it works.
good luck.
I know exactly how you feel, honestly it was months of being more emotional after I quit, and it felt like I would always be so emotionally defeated by everything.
ReplyDeleteAnd guess what, I'm still more emotional that with cig's.
That's just the way it is. Many things help and the cool thing is, eventually you really do forget about smoking most of the time. ( I thought I would never enjoy another moment of life again...lol)
-Sunny
No more cigarettes = very good thing!!!
ReplyDeleteCannot wait to see you and Suz!
This made me giggle in a good way:
ReplyDelete"I am glad that went away. It was unplesant."
Oh. I remember it. Too well.
BTW, every time you post about this, I have a serious nic fit. My Husband does not thank you.
Keep it up!
B. is right about the breathing. I like to end the "square breath" with a "dandelion exhale." When you exhale, do it like you're blowing on a dandelion weed, forcing the air out.
ReplyDeletefor a great finish after the exhale do a "raggedy Anne" which is to let every muscle flop and relax including letting your face go all saggy.
Your body will be immediately relaxed!
ps also good is the tape series "the daily relaxer" from new harbinger publications. They're old fashioned cassettes but they are GREAT self hypnosis/relaxation tapes. Just don't listen in the car. :)
good luck!
I am on my second week of being cigarette free and I am dreaming about them...sad! I had dreams last night about cigarettes and cigars.
ReplyDeleteI miss them but I do feel great.