Ready or not..it's time!

So it's Monday night. I have tomorrow at home, and then I am out of here Wednesday morning. Max and I have confirmed the plan. I am leaving the conference when it breaks for lunch and going up to let him at college on Thursday. We'll hang out, get some food, just be. The we have plans again for Sunday..this time in Boston proper...dragging along his girlfiend and my brother..more food, etc. He has to go get freinds in Vermont on Friday and doing some snowboarding...I think that actualy works out well...not too much, but some good qulaity time..not over doing it..and I WOULD blow off the damn conference for him, but it's good I think..down time, tie to process, etc. I updated the photo book I started making way back when I first contacted the agency back in 7/04 and they told me to "start getting pictured together". Added some new ones of the kids, the dog we didn;t have then, me. I think I shall bring the baby pics of him that I have since he has never seen them, but not EVERYTHING...not the pictures his parents sent me, etc...I don't know...better less than too much and really, I kust feel that it is about US, and really I don't want to make it too heavy like. In my mind..I see us having fun and hanging out like we have know each other forever. I want to hear him. And, this might sound weird..I am dying to SMELL him. I know I know how he smells...but I cannot remember, but he will smell...right. How many times do you think I can get away with sniffing at him before he thinks I am an uber freak? I feel very disconnected to myself. Like I know it is only days away..and I should be doing so much, but I cannot. I mean I made my car rental resevations, and dyed my hair. I am getting a new tattoo tomorrow, but I have to finish designing it still. I am almost done with laundry and I have been thinking about what to pack, but I still have to sew the buttons on my coat as it is going to be very cold and I have to dig out the warmy sweaters still too. I should be more excited, but part of me is like..yeah, I am going to go met my son for the first time in 19 years like I do this every day..but part of me HAS done this everyday. I have thought about this and rehersed this, I have fantasied and imagined and wondered and tried to feel it so much, that this time, even if it is real, feels like pretend again. Just anothr day dream, this time with a better more well written script. I don't feel insane enough, but maybe that is just me? I mean yes, when I was first searching for him I was a woman obsessed, but that was just the first three days. Then I found him and it felt great..and besides, I get all obsessed about things when I hunt for them on the internet. And even in the midst of actually waiting for that first contct, I went to work..and no one knew..I did laundry and food shopped and just was....terribly excited, but...normal. Rye says I exist inside my head. Well actually that is my interpetation of what he says, but it's true. All the stuff I carry with me..just rumbles back and forth looking for a place to rest, but it usually stays in me. And once in a while, I crack and something oozes out. Driving to work last week after I got is first joyous Email with tentive plans I found myself listen to the first Indigo Girls CD. I love that damn album...besides the fact that I can actually sing to them and sound almost good, I have had that CD on more miles than probably any other one..driving around crying and singing. I first heard it..after Max was born...right after I had the abortion following Max..on my way to Albany for a Greatful Dead concert for which I didn't even have tickets, but the girls had room in the car and a space on a hotel floor for me to sleep on ..so I went to forget my troubles...I worked me though a good broken heart, my major move from LI up to here, though the broken marrige and divorce...just a good healing albulm. What was odd was the song that got me sobbing this time..that break out of emotion that I usually get surprised from...it was the bridge from "Kid Fears" where Micheal Stipe sings along...and I got all choked up: Replace the years with the stars above Replace the need with love. Replace the anger with the tide. Replace the ones, the ones, the ones, that you love. Of course the whole song has greater meaning now..I mean what would I give for my kid fears!! And my childhood had it's real sucky moments, but OH, to be back there again...sigh. So many moms have reported that if was AFTER reunion that so much stuff came up, came back...I keep on waiting. I keep doing this all in dribs and drabs...between finding him and seeing him it will almost be three years. I guess I have learned to be patient. I wanted to take this ride three years ago...I was so happy then to know that I had a destiation. And now it is time. Even in some ways, having to undergo the termination last week seems almost fitting though I haven't quite fiqured out how. But something in the timing, in completing, in choosing or not choosing, in not hiding, not letting fear or letting fear rule...demanding my records ( I sent off a letter to the hospital this week too) ...something is lining up. I just can't get the pieces to all fit yet. Yet, I am still scared of AFTER..after will I be a wreck? Will it hit me then? I think seeing him will make it all the more real..being in his presence..my actual son, a person, my baby. He will be so much more than what has lived in my head all this time. It is like giving birth again. I don't worry that it will be akward, or weird, or that it won't be great. I think I might cry and be a bit looney, probably louder than usual as I do when I am nervous, or I might make that annoying laugh noise that I use to HATE when my mother made when she was nervous and now I make myself and hate at the same time and yet am oddly comforted. I mean, I really think that we shall get along great..it's just that..man, I should be freaking out MORE...and if I don;t do it now...will I do it later..or what if I don't? What if I am sooo broken that I just can't get in touch ever again. This is my first real pilgrimage back to Boston. I mean I have been back since Max was born. Once a year or so after with Paul that HORRIBLE boyfriend and we went to dinner with Ken and Joan the couple I lived with there while PG. And then, Lauralei and I went again after Garin was born, but we went camping and shopping ( yes a weird combo but that's what we do!). And then I went up to help my brother move there at age 18..but nothing since I hit the internet, never when I was "aware"...and I don't know what I recall anyway. Bt tomorrow is my last day home. I am bringing my video camera and my digital..and of course my laptop. I think I shall set up the vidcam in the car..for some reason I want to document this. I will be able to uplaod stuff while I am there..so tune in. For those of you who have been with me since the beginning..yes, you know who you are...this is it kids! The long awaited, totally documented search, find, contact, and meet Max finialle all on line! And for those whe would rather throw abortion deabtes around, that will have to wait until I come back. I am just not into it right now. But I'll give you all more reason to loath me and misquote me when I come back..mmmmkay?