Just more.

So now I am home. Back to the grind. I fiqured I would continue on with fabulous bits of reunion bliss and all. After our 9 and 1/2 hour mother and son babble marathon, we did indeed get together on Sunday as planned. After checking out of the Hotel as Bernedette had to catch her flight, I went and had some breakfast. Then after a bit, I decided to give that boy a call. Yeah, nervous..I had never called before, plus I knew he was home. So I didn;t want to call at a bad time. I still do not know if his parents knew I was there/here, but I expect that whether they did or not, me calling would not be sen as a wonderful thing. I called anyway though as that is what Max and I planned. It was lovely to be greated with a cheery and very normal "Good Morning". It was determined that Max would come up to the hotel to pick me up...it was not in the cards that I would go there..lol..and the hotel was at least stationary. And so I got out my laptop and got caught up while I waited. It's a wonderful site to see your lost child walking towards you. SO we got my brother at his place. Matt is so funny. I love that we do not beat around the bush. He comes right out and asks..."So are you Max or Gary?" "I'm both..Max, Gary..." Matt: " What is on your driver's licseance" I liked what Max said..that he had never had a nick name and so now he has two names and quote "so bite me". What I like is the assimilation of both sides of himself in a natural fluidity. He really does seem perfectly comfortable flowing between both sides. Even when talking, there is no hesitation, no pause as he longs to think of the "right" way to present anyone. His other brother and sister are just J and K, his parents have a few nick names, none bad, but can simply be idenitfied as Momma and Poppa G, etc. He called me Claudia once, but that was to Caitlyn, and that is who she knows me as..as I message to her too. After that, I was his mom...In his stories, depending on who was taling to him..he was Gary or Max. Personally, I see that as a great comfort..not just for me, but as he is comfortable with all who he is. Anyway, we had a great lunch. He took us to "No Name" which looked just like what one would invision the inside of the Krusty Krab if the Krusty Krab was a real place. A dark place on the Boston Docks with fabously fresh seafood. My boy digs the seafood chowder..eating two bowls with hunks of bread and fries. I had fried clams that literally melted in my mouth. Converstation was easy and playful. We mocked the seagulls outside our window...braking into loud laughter as it upchucked something in plain view and then tried to EAT it. Bleh. Various "grandpa" stories were told..from both sides. Max talked about his weekend job at the Boston Globe getting "ink fingers at the press" And it was my brother that made the connection, my father worked for the Daily News in NY, as did our grandfather, and our Uncle. Likewise Max's adoptive family also has strong connections to the Boston Globe. Amazing to think that he had that on both sides and ended up with Ink fingers. Another neat thing. I joyfully paid for our lunch and boggled Matt with the huge tip I left, but hey, the guy laughed at my silly joke and I believe in tip Karma. It was alos, so mice to see how kind and poliet Max was with all he comes in contact with. We got kinda lost on the ride back, but that was cool too. At one point Max and Matt were totally engrossed in a conversaton about some and I knew nothing of..but I just sat in wonder at the ease of conversation and that I was driving about, pioleted by my son, with my brother. More stories told and when we got back to Matt's we did our lame pictures again. Caitlyn was suppose to be the photographer for the day but she had to work, so we were left to our own patethic devices. This is one that gets me form that day: I love the way we are like mirror images of each other. Our bodies are turned in the same way, held at the same angles. Even the holes in our pants, the wrinkles on our coat arms are the same. The way we hold our arms at our sides, both hands closed in fists. We match so well. I like to the one with all of us, where I am elbowing Matt, He refused to "show teeth" when he smiled. Which is really funny as I never noticed that before aboput him, but I have the same trouble with Tristan. The damn kid won't smile big just like his uncle. Max pulled Matt in for a big hug before we left making me internally giddy. And when we got in the car, he declared "I like Uncle Matt!" More joy. Back at the hotel, it was time for good-bye. I have heard that these are hard due to the inital separation, and yeah, it was a three hugger. One was not enough. I had to dig my nose into his neck again for another smell, and was told to sniff away. Happily he understood my need. Plans were made for next time. He wants to "tour" with the band..a band..in the summer. I shall be a crash pad..which is great as we talked about that at lunch with Matt as I was the favorite crash for his bands on tour. And plus this guarentees him of some NY shows..as this momma will pimp his band and get him gigs! Also, I am back in July for the KAAN confernce, so I invited him to that..and he quickly agreed to be my cheering section for that.. You know people always ask me how much he knows about what I do here and in the adoption community..and he really does. He askes me about stuff and I tell him. It is all really open..and he is interested. He was thrilled with his Bastard Nation shirt that I got from Marley. ( good pictures of the conference at the Basdardette link too) I have to say..I think he was impressed with my stories of Marley and Ann Fessler, DMC, Adam Pertman, etc. He was openly THRILLED that the Girls Who Went Away os now in the Movie stage. More signs of good adjustment. ****8 Now, I have seen in the past week or so...some comments on how I should be so grateful that he was adopted out so well. And you know, yeah some things are a testiment of a good upbringing. He is kind. I see that. He stopped the car to let an old man cross the street. He says please and thank you. He is warm and effectinate, but I teach those things to my kids too..and how much of that is natural temperment? I mean..I like to think that we are all pretty nice people. Yes, he had opportunities, but the thing is too...as a child, the natural child of a NYC lawyer..he would have had the means for all those opportunities also. The fact that it took me TEN YEARS after the fact to become aware of the reality of child supprt that I had the right to have for him..ugg. SO he got things good..yes I know..but I can't say honestly..that it is BETTER. I mean, he is happy and content and that is the finest of things, but but but... What gets me over and over..he is SO LIKE US. Even after being raised away from all of us..he turned out...just like a pea in a pod. And I adore that. To me..he is just perfect..who he is suppose to be. And here's the thing. I don't think they get him. Now I do not say that to bash anyone. And I understand that perhaps their are reasons that I am just not privey too. I know we can all be on our best behavior, not see some things, etc. But seeing him in front of me, talking for hours..I can see that he is a happy, well adjusted, content, smart, goal oriented, hardworking, well balanced young man. It's just OBVIOUS. My brother, who has much better "Crazy..oh, something is off with you" radar than I, said it too. He is just good. They have him in therapy. They have had in in for years. He took himself off medication while in boy scout camp years ago.. He laughs at it. doesn't mind going, says it is more for them, he goes, no biggie but he doesn't know why really. He says he is happy. I see that he is. They play tennis, he hates it. He is...my punk pirate boy..amoung the tennis set. They don't get him. The "rock and roll" is bad. Too much music, too much influence on him. Must talk it away?? Now, my great grandfather was a marveous musician. My brother picked up at guitar at 12 and went to Berkeley in Boston for music. Garin has taught himself to play the bass, guitar and drums. No lessons and he is good. And even Tristan dances with way more soul than Scarlett. She dances like Elaine for Sienfield. The music gene attaches itself to the Y chromosone in my bloodline. Now my oldest son is studing Political Science, but wants to switch to music business. Wants to tour and make it big. Still working, maintaining a real job, and doing wel in classes. Balanced. I cannot say that he is terrible and in need of fixing for a normal natural dream..for dreaming big. They have in therapy. He has to go every Friday and learn how...not to be him? No, I am not thankful. He sent me an Email yesterday. It had a link on how my city made the top 10 list of up and coming cities in America as it has a great artist community. I love living here becasue we are not freaks here, we are normal. In my family, he is normal. They are trying to fix him. He does not need fixing. He is perfect. I mean really, I try to see the "issue". It's NOT like even he is going to an "adoptio" specialist or something. This didn;t just happen to halep him deal with me or whatever. This didn't start when he was found. Long before, I reentered the picture, they had him at doctors. So even if he was a pain in the butt teen, a boy with anger issues or whatever ( I could get that...Garin at times has me grasping at staws too), I can plainly see he is OK now. I just do not get it...but I do actually, right now, until I am explained otherwise, even with knowing how being a parent can be hard, even with trying to give them benefits of the doubt, I do not like it. Perhaps if they ever did respond to my letter, my plea to come together for his sake, my desire to offer myself to them in any way so they could be more comfortable with all this, then they could help me understand why they have made this decision. But right now, I am left with what he tells me, and I believe him. He does it for them to make them more comfortable. And that stinks. MC jacket, studded belt, Ramones T shirt? All good here. Don't change him..he doesn't need it Not a freak...just one of my pea pods. I am obsessed with pea pods. That is my next tattoo..after I get this last one finished..lol. Four peas in a pod..my babies. And thinking this, I almoat flipped out at the conference when I saw another adoptee wearing a pea pod necklace. Guess what I want for my birthday next month? The silver one with four pears. Anyway, It makes me feel really angry and NOT grateful at all, that my son is in theraphy. You know all those stats that say that adopted children are over represented in the metal health field than the general population? Yeah, add mine to those numbers. Not what I bargained for. "Oh, but look how well it all turned out...you would not have your life now of not for the chpices you made" Nope, his life would be different, mine would be different. And you know, we are both satisfied and happy with our lives..with what we have now. But who is to say that things would not have been just as good, just as satisfied, we could be just as happy. All things being equal, things were really ..equal. And nothing really is "better". It's good. We are good. But, for the most part,,all the years of wondering, all the tears, all the lost years...not sacraficed for anything "better". Just not necessary. ***** Rye asked me, upon my return, if I felt satisfied as I had achieved my goal. It was actualy good to think about. When I came online over 6 years ago, it was all for this. It was to prepare, to learn ..get ready for the possible, eventual reunion. And yes, I have to reflect and say...oh so worth it. It could not have turned out better. It was all I could have hoped and dreamed. It was perfect. That yes, it was wise of me to be prepared, listen and learn. Of course I did have to tell Rye that it has grown into something bigger. No retirement for me here. That adoption, even sucessfully navigated, would not be leaving our lives. I still say, oh yes, I am one of the lucky ones. But it still is a sad story with no reason. And I still have alot of work to do. edditted: I forgot to say..went back to work yesterday. It was so nice. I had sent a email pic on ahead to my manager. She had printed it up and hung it already for all to see....every one is so supportive and excited. Its soo good.