Allison Quets

There is an age-old adage that two wrongs don’t make a right. Of course, us mothers of adoption loss understand the level of desperation that Allison Lee Quets must have been experiencing when she failed to return her 17 month old twins to their adoptive parents. And while we can support preservation of the natural family and encourages families to parent their own offspring, even to legally fight to regain custody, and nullify adoptions, understanding her feelings is not condoning the action. What Allison did was clearly wrong. As the nation focuses on this one desperate act, let it be known that this was the final action in a long history of wrongs. Allison did not just wake up one day and decide that she wanted her babies back. She has been saying it loud and clear, for over the past year, yet no one listened. She went though the proper channels and spent huge sums of money, and still no one really heard her. In one final act of desperation, with no hope, she did the unthinkable. She took her children and ran. It is undeniably a tragedy for all involved, but perhaps this country can take this story and find the small silver lining from the cloud surrounding it. Yes, what she did was wrong, but she was, without a doubt, driven to extremes. We do not mean to excuse the action, but to foster understanding of the motivation behind it. It is a perfect example of what the adoption industry in America does to create a “Birthmother”. Some might question Allison’s mental state, but the state of her mind and emotions was caused by the lunacy of adoption and coercion and the pain of the real loss of her children to adoption. We can use this as an opportunity to see what caused this painful tragedy, not as an apology for her actions, but as a clear demonstration of the fact that something is severely broken in the adoption industry and in great need of correction, before we have another story like that of Allison and her children in the news. By all accounts Allison was in trouble during her pregnancy with the twins. Nine months of tortuous complications were probably much more than she had expected or could handle. This ongoing misery certainly made her doubt her decision to give birth and be able to care for her babies. Her right hand support, her partner, John, introduced her to his cousins, the Needhams, who wished to adopt the children. Whether he, too, was concerned about the physical toll the pregnancy had taken upon her, or whether he selfishly felt his own life was compromised too much, or whether, by Allison’s own account, he had another agenda, he supported adoption and pressured her to place the children. Curiously, no one seemed to care that what he wanted was not want she wanted. That Allison was betrayed by the one closest to her was and is very wrong. While she did not surrender her infants immediately after birth, she was still not recovered from the trauma of birth due to her many medical issues. Exhausted by the non-stop hyperemisis, still recovering from the C-section, caring for two premature babies, and emotionally unsupported, Allison was not in the place, emotionally, where she could make such a major decision. The lawyer for the potential adoptive parents and the social worker involved knew this, yet continued the constant, week-long pressure and coercion and descriptions of the wonders of adoption. Unfortunately, this is standard practice in the adoption industry. Women are urged to make a life-altering decision regarding their future and their children’s lives without having proper time to think about it, and without complete information and legal and family support. Ethical adoption practice would ensure that mothers considering relinquishment have due and ample time to recover and fully consider all the information. That this time is not given to them is another wrong, perpetrated by the industry. Pressured to sign on the potential adoptive parents timeline, before she wanted to, she left her home and traveled out of her comfort zone and away from any external support. With only her adoption-desiring partner at her side, she entered the adoption “friendly” state of Florida. Again, standard forms of subtle coercion such as this are utilized by many adoption professionals. Moving a mother away from her friends and family who might help her, creates isolation and a vacuum of information and allows control by those who wish her to relinquish. Moving the process to an adoption-friendly state where laws favor potential adoptive parents is also standard practice, but still biased and unjust....again, wrong. Much like a prisoner of war, Allison was holed up with the lawyer and social worker for hours at a time. We know that emotional torture and interrogation works. Governments and military operations use it. People who seek to control, dominate and abuse others use emotional badgering to cause exhaustion and desperation which wears down their victims. At this point, Allison was treated as a case, a non-person to be broken down to achieve a desired result. Over and over again she was told that she was too old, that she could not care for the babies, that she would be relieved when they were removed from her care. They played on her doubts, her physical weakness, her vulnerability. With the babies and the Needhams in the next room, she was subjected to the Needham’s crying when she repeatedly refused to sign. This was a crime against humanity. It was pure, emotional coercion used to remove a mother from her children, and, as such, is certainly unethical and morally suspect...just plain wrong. It was a private, non-agency, adoption. In Florida, signatures on non-agency adoption are immediately irrevocable. One can enter almost any contract, even with a binding signature, in the US and have a window of remorse where one can change one's mind, but not in adoption in Florida. Allison held out for as long as she could and didn’t give in on the one thing they wanted, her signature, for a long time. But once she did, it was all over. She is not the first nor the last mother who signs under duress and while physically and emotionally exhausted and then is forced to live the rest of her life in major regret and grief over the loss of her children. There are no standard national time lines for revocation of consent and, at best, in many states, these grace periods are comprised of mere days or even just hours. Standard adoption practice enables adoption workers and attorney to push a mother into this confused and disoriented state and then swoop in for the coup de grace. More human consideration and compassion is given to a person deciding to buy a time share than is given a mother to decide the fate of her children’s lives. No one protects these mothers. This is wrong. Immediately after giving in and signing, Allison regretted it. She notified all parties of this fact within 16 hours after they finally obtained her signature. The law in Florida supposedly gives a mother a meager 24 hours, so she was within the law. Yet, according to the powers that be, it was too late. What morality allows other people to ignore the desperate plea of a mother to be with her children just because they have an unethical law on their side? What kind of civilization are we building that allows people to keep another's flesh and blood from them simply because they can? If an unknown stranger had kept Allison’s babies from her, then she would have garnered support and had the law on her side, but not in the realm of adoption. Once her signature was given, Allison became an unknown stranger to her own children and had no law of man or government on her side. This is wrong. For over a year, Allison fought to regain her children in the legal way. Spending over 400 thousand dollars, she went though every legal avenue and sought out help and support in her desperate plea to regain her motherhood and self. Often, the grieving, coerced mother does not have the same resources that Allison had to fight an adoption battle. This is something that the industry counts on, but even with Allison’s financial resources, nothing was accomplished. The court system clearly is biased in favor of the adoptive parents. If that were not so, the children would have been immediately returned. The adoption industry banks on possession being nine tenths of the law and they have time on their side. The longer the adoptive parents can drag things out in court, the more leniency the courts will grant them. This makes it easy for the attorneys to argue the case of the so-called "best interests of the child" and the court to find in favor of the adoptive parents. By failing to honor the bond of natural mother and child, the adoption industry and the courts hope to eliminate that bond. What is human and morally right, not to mention that it is better for children to be with their natural families, hardly seems to matter to these arbiters of justice and this is wrong. Imagine in a moment of weakness you were led into doing something against your better judgement and instantly regretted it. Imagine having no one hear you when you said "no." Imagine that no one would help you. This is why so many mothers who have experienced this nightmare compare it to being raped. Imagine that you did everything in your power to undo this wrong done to you and yours, and spent every penny of your resources. Imagine that you were still denied a fair hearing and treated like an interloper by the law, the courts, the ones you trusted. Can you feel the desperation? No one can say that what Allison Quents did was right. It is clearly illegal and, even while she was still free and running, it has caused some harm. All over the country, mothers who have surrendered their children to adoption and have some sort of open agreement where they can visit their child are very nervous. Allison’s actions have put the fragile, adoption-controlled relationships between thousands of mothers and children in jeopardy. Not only did she cause damage to her own case, but she may have, inadvertently, created yet another unfair stereotype about "birthmothers" to be used by the industry and adoptive parents who want to close their adoption agreements and reinstate secret, closed adoption. But please keep in mind that she is not the only wrongdoer in this story. We do not condone her actions because she crossed an important line, but we understand that she, understandably, felt forced to go toe to toe with it. If we are honest, we would have to say that many mothers in her situation were cheering her on in their hearts. We cannot fix what happened to Allison and her children, but with knowledge and understanding, with national laws and ethical guidelines for adoption, with some oversight for the largest unregulated industry in this country, we might be able to prevent another mother from becoming so desperate that she is driven to such a frantic and, ultimately, fruitless act. More links to Allisons story: Petition to assist Allison The prospective adoptive parents blog which I would like to point out..theyu are NOT adoptive parens as the adoption was never finilzed since it was contested form day one by Allison. Attorney says Twins shoud not be returned to the APs Allison Fights for the return of her children Wikipedia Twins found safe in Cnanda Also: another Press Release: RE: "Kidnapping" Case Raises Questions About Ethics of Adoption For 16 months, Allison Quets relied on the courts to reunite her with her children. She retained an attorney and filed for the return of her infant twins within hours of signing the consent forms for their adoption. Now charged with kidnapping, Quets' story raises a multitude of questions about adoption, and the circumstances which led her to flee to Canada with the twins. Faced with intense pressure to surrender her newborns for adoption, Allison Quets contacted anti-adoption activist Jessica DelBalzo. Through her organization, Adoption: Legalized Lies, DelBalzo put Quets in touch with volunteers who advised her to seek legal counsel and revoke the consent that she had unwillingly given. "This advice, along with words of support and encouragement, is typical of what we tell all parents who come to us for help confronting the loss of their children," DelBalzo says. The activist, involved in the movement to abolish adoption for nearly ten years, continues, "Quets' story is indicative of many problems with the way adoption is handled." DelBalzo says she has been in touch with countless mothers and fathers who were coerced into surrendering their children. Their attempts to use the court system to lobby for the return of their babies have been met with legal roadblocks, media criticism, and financial strain. "I've never told a mother to take her baby and run, but I've often thought it," DelBalzo says. "Justice rarely prevails in these cases. The odds are stacked against these parents from the very beginning." DelBalzo and her fellow anti-adoption activists blame a culture that is biased in favor of adoption for the unnecessary separation of infant children and their parents. "A mother says, 'I want my baby.' You don't tell her to wait. You don't make her get a lawyer. You return her baby," DelBalzo says. "The whole process shouldn't take a week, let alone a year or more." DelBalzo argues, "The would-be adoptive couples who withhold a wanted baby - those are the real kidnappers."

Bad things happening in MA...

The Massachusettes Open records bill has become a complete travisty of justice and the ideas of which it was created. It wouldn;t be so bad that the dern thing seemed to have no movement after the hearings etc, excpet that now it is ready to be law. Senate bill 2690 amended version of 959: INSTATRAC BILL SUMMARY SB-2690 of 2005-2006 By the Senate Committee on Ways and Means: Directs the state registrar of vital records and statistics to provide adopted persons over the age of eighteen who were born in the commonwealth on or before July 14, 1974 or on or after January 1, 2008, or the adoptive parents of said persons, to provide access and/or copies of birth certificates of said persons from before their adoption which indicate prior legal parents; classifies evidence contained in the adoption record of a birth parent’s willingness to reveal their identity to the adopted person as sufficient evidence to warrant the release of said information; directs the registry of vital records and statistics to establish and maintain a contact information registry for the purpose of connecting birth parents with their biological children who were adopted; classifies participation with said registry as voluntary. So what is the issue? The HUGE black out period....July 1974 to January 1 2008...so really any ADULT adoptee who is not over 33 years old or born retroactivly is shit out of luck. Why are some adoptes fvored with their OBC and others not. And prsonally, it means my own son's OBC is still forevermore under lock and key. The officialy MA link for the above is here With the sad history of this travisty is here. It was enacted apreantly on the 26th...merry fucking christmas....bend over so we can screw you! It is being laid beofre the governor to sign. Worse yet, the bill was "engrossed" on July 27, 2006 which means that it cannot be changed, added to, nor amended. One signature before an awful piece of law is on the books!!! What you can do: CALL THEM..beg Governor Mitt to NOT SIGN this peice of crap! I don;t care if ou live in MA or have any contact about it or not..if you know adoption and know this is WRONG, then CALL!!! State House Office of the Governor Room 360 Boston, MA 02133 Phone: (617) 725-4005 (888) 870-7770 (instate use only) FAX: (617) 727-9725 TTY: (617) 727-3666 It is NOT hard!! I am on hold with them right now! And please...spread the word..this is bad adoption business and can hurt thousnads of moms and adoptees for years to come!

Fighting on..without a prayer...

I hate this story. I hate that it is even still going on. This poor young dad, his poor family, and the poor baby. WTF are these people thinking?? Lots of speculation if you have been following the story. I can use my secret spider sense to tell you what I think went on. Boy and girl find out they are PG and plan to keep baby. Dad works on nursery and plans about his impending fatherhood. Then dad goes and does his summer intership or camp or whatever. Pregnant mom is home alone with her dounbs and fears. Now maybe her folks were very concerned about how she could reach her full potential with a child in tow. Maybe they were looking out for their baby and the baby is seen as an obstical to her happiness. We know that many an family has pushed a mom into reliquishment. Maybe they got her with a "just talk to them..get some information"...and that got her though the agency door. Maybe she got mad at the boy for leaving her. Maybe she just freaked out..but for whatever reaon and no one is saying, this Georgia girl found her way to this Florida agency A Chosen Child with their typical barfy website. Now being that this young dad NEVER signed anything sayng he wanted his child adopted, and that he corrctly registered with the State of Georgia to have his paternal rights recognized, it is amazing that he still does not have his baby back. BUT I assume, that momma was made or willingly went to Florida to give birth. That moots all Intercountry adoption proceedings and explains why what he has done with the state of Georgia means nothing. He didn't register with Florida. And we all know how great Florida is with recognzing the rights of Dad's in adoption...snort. Now it has finially come out that the couple who has physical and illegal hold on this baby is former NFL running back Ricky Watters and his wife. So here we have the money card being played big time.Or as quoted in the story: “I believe that the couple that has the baby are wealthy and well off and I believe their goal is to tie this up into litigation to basically bankrupt this family so they will not be able to continue to fight for their son,” said Head’s attorney, Leslie Gresham. I would like to point out that he does have a message board and also a way to contact him. Maybe a good does of guilty conscious would do him some good?? And for the record, the earlier statement provided by my husand about Watters being a pot head were incorrect. So my Apoligis for having Rickies in the NFL confused. Also gulity aparently is the agency in Georgia or as passed on via blogger info: The adoption agency in Georgia is Claiborne, Outman, & Surmay, P.C. Ruth Claiborne is leading the case. She orchestrated the child moving from this young father to a family in Florida without the father’s permission. Here's this delighful human being..cough. SO MY guess...mom got into cahoots with the Georgia agency who knew EXACTLY what they were doing and sent mom to A Chosen Child in Florida....and eliminating dad as an issue. She knew he wanted this baby, she knew he would give her a hard tme, they knew too and this is what the professionals did? Yeah, they professionally destroyed a young man's chance at being the father he was planning to be. And now...with football money behind it...and Florida loopholes...the writing is quite clear on the wall. He is never going to parent that baby. He never had a chance. They made sure of it. My heart does go out to him and his family. Now I think I shall write a scathing letter to this Ricky guy and his wife.Yeah, this guy:

My Corrigans.

I don't speak much about my own father. I haven't seen him in 20 years, haven't spoken to him in almost 13. I pretty much consider myself an orphan. My mom is passed..and my father...just out there..somewhere. He wasn't the greatest. He had issues, of which I will probably never completely understand. My parents marrige was like oil and water...very odd dynamics with me, an only child, somewhere in the middle as a barameter and pawn. He was a NYC cop..handsome and dashing when young in his uniform, odd and bizarre when he got older. His nickname on the force was "Crash" for some reason. I have childhood memories of going to precent Christmas parties, dirty basements of NYC police bulidings, diverse groups of kids and loud drunken shouts, waiting for a dressed up Santa to give out the treats, being asked "Oh, you're Crash's daughter?" Yes...I am the Lame. When I was growing up, he was estranged from his own family..so much that I didn't even met my paternal grandmother until I was 7 when she came for my first communion and brought my cousin Christine for me to meet too. What his problem was with his mother ( his own father died when I was a baby of a brain tumor) and his two younger sisiters? I don't know, but the fact is that I missed knowing a huge protion of my family growing up. I think that often, my own experiences with my dad allow me to understand some of the complex feelings that adoptees must deal with. Rejection from one own flesh and blood. My father basically divorced me too when he and my moter split. Periodicially, thoughout the years, I have held out an olive branch, hoping that he could be honest, admite his part in wrong doings, and see me as a person worthy of bothering with. It never works. In the last two years, he called here, at my home once. Thank goodness I was at work and Rye talked to him. He did leave his number, but I cannot call him...I have the need to protect myself emotionally...and my children too. Rye had given him my email addy and I would have written to him to feel out the waters, but he never bothered to write me. The urge to have a child, remember his daughter, was aparently fleeting. The other fallout of his issues, again, is that I have this huge part of family that I know almost nothing of. We, the family, have a most beautiful piece of land up here that has been in the family for generations. I was there as a baby, and then we returned when I was 11. The farm, as it is called, was owned at that time by my grandmother and her two sisters, my great aunts. They would winter in Florida and Arazonia, and summer at the farm. Friends would come from all over..staying in the big house ( an original Dutch stone house form the 1600's) or at the bungelows. My father's younger sister, my Aunt Martha, would spend the summers there with my 4 cousins. Now, I grew up close to my mother's family. My house, my grandparents and my uncles house were in a 5 block radius to each other. Sunday's were spent over my gandmother's eating pasta and Pinola cookies from the Italian bakery. I always say I was raised Italian. Yet, I was different from the good "shush, don't make a fuss..don't yell...it's OK" let's pretend that nothing is wrong mode of operation, I always DID call a spade a spade and was loud with a mouth even then. It was when I was 11, my mother secretly pregnant with my baby brother, when we returned to the farm and I saw where my blood and my mouth began. I was shocked and amazed by my two female cousins. Christine, a few years older, and Nancy a bit younger....were cut from the same cloth. Nancy and I, at that age, were almost twins in looks. A pivital point was when we compared our very dark and thick copious arm hair. Knowing that I was not a lone gorilla freak was special. Still though, relations were strained, just based on the freakness of my dad, the lack of love between him and his sisters, and then the eventual divorce of my parents. My mom still kept in touch with my grandmother and we would still visit, but I never did get to summer with everyone. Still, something about the area where the farm is was "home" or maybe I just wanted to be part of something that I am not. As a adult I moved up here to this area, and have made it my home for the last 17 ( eek!) years. Now, with my mother and grandmother gone, my one old aunt in a nursing hime and the other barely remembering who I am...I am the adult and still I find it hard to "get there"....it is hard to become part of a family when they are still strangers who share my blood. See..adoptee parallels! Yet, when I DO visit or run into my Aunt Martha..OMG..I am again stuck at how I fit in. They are loud, brash, they curse, drink and smoke. They call Bullshit when they see bullshit. And despite it all..they are family and keep saying.."Come on over!"..now here is where the "polite" me and the wanting me colide. I wait for phone calls. I wait to be officially invited. I say Yes..I would like to partake..and then wait. Where they say..come on uop..and man it..and that is the invite for them. Fear yeah...Why? IDK. Yes I know that basing things on fear is a sucky way of dealing, but that little voice does say "what if they really don;t want you too...it is too late..you are not part of them...you missed out..they have memories that you do not...what of they just don't like you?"..yeah, I know..it is bullshit. Anyway..so this Christmas my cousin Christine sent me a Xmas card and in it was a picture of her kids. OMG..I was floored..first off to see two more "Garin/Max" faces looking at me..and to see her daughter Katherine..with Scarlett's EXACT hair...color and style..on her head! WOW. So that was it. MY insecurity non withsrtanding..I am not being the doinker who does this to my kids. It stops now. I sent her a card back with a picture and said YES, they must know each other and PLEASE call me when you guys come up. She called me Christmas eve..and I was late for work for talking to her. Note to self..another similarity..OMG we talk so fast and so much!! I found out that Tristan's dimples are a Corrigan thing. Her oldest has them too and so did my own father! So resoved..this summer..Christine and Nancy and their kids spend every weekend at the farm. About 20 minutes away from me. I SHALL BE taking my kids there..every Sunday..to hang out with their cousins and family. My family. My blood. My cousins. My Corrigans.

Lazy Holiday Bliss..

I wish I was like a cat and could purrrrr. I would if I could. I feel very content at this moment in time. Totally deconstructed Christmas we have here. Very mellow, just opening presents, muching on good food. No one really gets out of PJs. The kids, this year, are also rather mellow, just playing away...even rather quietly, amused they are, by the bounty that is Santa. My children are happy. Somewhere Christmas music plays. I got a message from Max. :) We have an almost 14 pound Harrington Ham in the oven, curtosy of my Uncle Mike. I got a real digital movie camera from Rye. Watch out Utube. I am bcking up my whole laptop to an external hard drive at this moment. It is making my computer unhappy and impossible to type on. One word: Lag. So, I will just wish you all a mellow Merry Christmas. Purr if you can. Enjoy!

Oh what did I do??

Saw this bullitan on my space... MTV True Life Presents… I'm Looking for My Birth Parent email us at: adoptee@mtvstaff.com with the details Were you adopted and are now ready to find your birth parent/s? Have you already located your birth parent and are about to meet for the first time? Or has a birth parent recently located you and requested a meeting? If you are interested in sharing your story as it unfolds, read on… In this brand new, short-form online series from True Life, people like you will share their stories with millions of people at mtv.com, in a format so new we're not even sure what to call it. If True Life and iFilm had a baby, it might be you, with a camera in your hand, telling us what it's like to live your life. Our audience will watch your clips, feel your anxiety, cheer you on, and experience your preparations with you… Want to be a part of it? If you… Appear between the ages of 18 and 28; Are currently engaged in or ready to begin the process of finding your birth parent/s; and want to share your story with us, email us at adoptee@mtvstaff.com with the details (how and why you decided to take this step, your expectations, fears, and how it will affect your adoptive family… Also be sure to tell us any special dates, meetings, or plans relating to the process of finding your birth parent/s. Please be sure to include your name, location, contact number, and photo if possible. We look forward to hearing from you! ~ Amy, The True Life team and yeah..I wrote to them..why? because I had hoped to give them some probably much needed insight and it was an educational opportunity...so I said: Good morning, I found the MTV adoptee call out on MySpace and read it with great interest. I am very pleased that MTV is willing to take on such an important undertaking in regards to adoptees and their search for the families of origins. Adoption is one of the least understood and most stigmatized and romanctized issues in modern family life. Anything that promotes greater understanding, especially in regards to the feelings of adoptees and natural parents, is a wonderful endevor. So thank you! With that, I am not an adoptee, but rather a mother who relinquished her first born child to adoption in 1987. I have since found my son and have contact with him...so our story has already greatly unfolded, though we still have not met yet again. Instead though, I am writing to you to assist in any way I can towards making your show both educational and also truthful. Adoption is one of those areas where the overwhelmingly majority of inofrmation out there is pretty much errorrounous. Many adoption "professionals" have a vested interest in keeping up the satus quo or adoption and that means maintaining the myth that adoption is a wonderful social institution and while it can be, at times, it is in no way always like that all the time. I beg you to please do your research in this area so that you do not unwillingly contribute to the propaganda machine. As these young adoptee go though their searches on camera and process the vast awray of complex and often conflicting emotions, they will need not only someone who can assist them in understanding the total normalitly of them, but also to be able to explain to the viewer that the negative feelings are also normal and expected. If you are looking for a professional to assit in understanding their feelings, then I implore you to contact Joe Soll at Adoption Crossroads. As an adoptee himself, and a counsellor who has assisited hundreds of adoptees and families of origins, he is a wonderful source of understanding and comfort and healing for all involved. Also, please have your staff and the participants do some reseach into the real feelings and situations of the relinquishing mothers. Again, I recommed Ann Flesser's book "The Girls Who Went Away" to understand the historical context and foundation of adoption in this country as well as the feelings of the mothers who were made to live without their children. Also, I will point you to my own Blog where I deal with many of the feelings and issues surrounding relinquishment. There, you will find many links to other first mom blogs and adoptee writings as well as many informational links. Also to note, OriginsUSA has a huge refrence section as well as articles and personal writings from more moms and adoptees as well as a huge section on scientific research that is generally hid from the public and kept quiet from the professionals with a vested and profit driven motive. Please keep in mind, that the women and families that are found or not at the end of these serahces also will need time to process their feelings and many have been living in the shadows with shame as their motivation for years. These are real people at the end and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. One major way that you can assist in this is to refrain form using the "birth" terms such as "birth mother" etc. as many many moms of adoption loss find the term demeaning. For the true history and origins of the term, please refer to here. and here For a quick historical refrence to adoption, sealed records, and the need for adoptees to find their origins, please refer to my own article "Secrets in NY". With this show you have a great opportunity to reach out to millions of adoptees and those who care about them. The battle for opening records for these adoptees is huge right now. Only 6 states in this country give adoptees their contistutional right to their OBC, but many more states have legislation currently in the works and need all the support we can get. It is very important as you focus on there painful and sometimes "illegal" searches, that there are other options and it all could be much easier if open records were the norm. As a lobbiest for the NY fight, I am well versed in the issues surrounding open records. Information should be provided so that people can get involved. While obviously insight will be made towards the feelings of the adoptive parents, please please do not put more emphesis on their feelings over the adoptees and the family of origins. Adoption has really been about what the adoptive parents wanted and needed from the begining. Since the majority of adoptees featured will have some desire to find out something about their natural families, they will most likely be from infant domestic adoption placements, not from CPS removals, but from situations where the moms "choose" to surrender their children for a "better" life. As one of these mothers in exile, I can tell you that it is the single most influential experince of my life and causes great loss and grief to this day. Again, please do your research on our feelings and our reasons for placement so that we can be protrayed in a good light. We do not deserve more pain and suffering. In closing, if you have any need for an interview with a mom who surrendered and found her child, the feelings of one who reliquished in the time frame that your adoptees will be looking or for more information regarding laws, history, open records, etc. please feel free to contact me. I shall include my "adoption" bio with this and a picture, etc. Education regarding adoption is my passion and I shall assist in any way possible to have it done with real information and truth. Thank you. and within a few hours..they wrote back...AGGGG! Hi, Thank you so much for your email. I am actually very interested in your story with your son. How old is he? How old are you? Where do you both currently reside? How long have you two been in contact? Is a face to face meeting imminent? If possible, I would be interested in speaking with him about our project and the steps taken before he meets you. If you are interested in providing a little more detail behind your story, I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you so much! So I gave them more info on the story as requested and shot off a massage to Max with their contact info... I have very conflicted feelings. Yes, I really would rather see a show that protrayed reality and had good information and was not senstionalized. Yes, I would assist in that. *I* don't want to be sensationalized..nor do I want to peddle my child in that way either. Yet, how cool would it be to be on TV? Or would it suck? Is it worth it? Or would it suck? Aggg...i suppose I have nothing to decide now..and sharing a story vai email never hurt..yet... I guess this will be continued...

Bad bits and Bites

Yesterday all the Buzz in adoptinland was about PizzaHut UK's horrible ad compaign "Adopt a Cheesy Bite". If you missed all the hoopala, some insensitive wing nut at Weiden and Kennedy thought it would be great based on "With all the comment in the news at the moment about issues surrounding adoption, we thought it was an issue we could tap into. Possibly in questionable taste. Also funny." Ummm..definatly questionable, NOT funny!! They applied MAJOR sterotypes and mistruts to the adoption of a cheese filled roll. Yeah, that's the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of my son, a cheesy greasy roll. In anycase, all the freak outs and emails and phone calls across the internet community have made a difference. The Cheesy "adopt a bite" website is down this am. Congratulations to all who took part in saying "No, bad taste, bad bite!" ***** I got off work early last night..and so I came home and did the official Christmas piturs of the kids. Well, half the kids. Garin refused to partake in the sitting. Just down right refuised. And Max, for obvious reasons, was not available at such short notice. But Tristan and Scarlett were very happy to put on the annoying Christmas outfits and pose. I had wanted to get the damn dog in ( in loo of Garin), but Lilly will not be America's Next Supermodel Dog. She does follow directions well at all. If course now that I got the one decent picture out of the 150 that I shot, and fiqured out how to print on a 4x6 paper, my ink has run out and the colors are off. So off to buy more ink today. Why did I decide to do Christmas cards this year??? I never do..oh right, becasue I feel like a bad mommy when I don't. This is the one that I ended up picking. **** I just ordered, finially, my new Swatch. I can't beleive I have gone for so long without "my" watch. It died when we were at the beach this August, and I am really neurotic without it. I keep grabbing my wrist and I hate not knowing the time. Plus, I have had the same watch since I was 18. Well, not the same one, but the same style..basic black Swatch..and I never take it off for anything. I love that it is water resisitant. Anyay, I decided that the kids would get it for me for Christmas, so I ordered it. Then I paniced as the confirmation came and it was going to Nevada instead of NY. I don't know how I missed that...especially when they were all like "we can't confirm this address"..so then I had to call in customer service and get it switched. I did go for the extra 10 bucks and get it overnighted...yeah.

Friend or Foe..the NYSCCC?

I wrote this out this morning: Judith Ashton, Executive Director NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc. 410 East Upland Road Ithaca, NY 14850 607-272-0034 Fax: 607-272-0035 jashton@nysccc. org http://www.nysccc. Org Ms. Ashton, Upon reading your note**** to Heather Kuhn regarding her article “New York is Ready to Change Its Adoption Laws”, as it was forwarded to OriginsUSA, I became curious as to what the New York State Citizen’s Coalition for Children was all about that would warrant it’s executive director to take such a hard stance. When reading the NYSCCC website, I found it very alarming that while under your bylaws you state that the mission is to “Represent the citizen's viewpoint in advocating for improved adoption and foster care services.” yet, absolutely no where on the site is any reference to any of the natural parents involved in the adoption triad except in reference on how to get them to TPR They have no services listed under post adoption services. There are no support groups with the needs of natural parents listed as a priority. You have no counseling for long term grief and other known effects of relinquishment as a recourse. New York is blessed to have in it’s midst one of the finest adoption counselors for adoptees and natural parent issues, Joe Soll, and not one reference to him is to be found. How can you hope to improve adoption, while you ignore the very present and real foundation of the issue? This is in direct conflict with your mission, as you effectively have silenced both the adult adoptee and natural parents as citizens who are represented. The site is so obviously one sided as to represent the adoptive parents viewpoint and be focused on their needs, and their needs only. Regarding the bit about the use of “this outmoded reference” regarding natural parent and the accompany link to “respectful language”. The link states: ‘"Birth parent" is objective and respectful. It clearly and neutrally identifies who is being referred to without negative implications for adoptive parents.’ The use of Birth terms in regards to relinquishing parents is very objectifying, but not at all respectful. While this term usage might be considered to be better used by adoptive parents, it is not a term desired by the families of origin as a self identifier and any sub group has the right to self determine what they would like to be called. Many natural parents objects to being put in the limiting class as a mere breeder whose sole purpose is to create the child for relinquishment and has many negative implications for families of origins. Please see our website for the true history of the term and why families of origins object to being told what names they can call themselves. Again stated: This change will benefit countless adoptive families throughout New York State and many others whose lives are touched by adoption.” Again the emphasis being on the benefit to the adoptive families, and anyone else as a mere afterthought. I can tell you as a New York citizen, and a mother of adoption loss, this change does not benefit me in any way shape or form. Again, it is very distressing that you find it possible to speak for me and other NY mothers of loss yet have no representation at all in your organization. “To use "natural," in reference to children and parents who are biologically related, implies that adoptive relationships are "unnatural," that is to say, not genuine or of lower status” If you want to insists on propagating the concept of opposites then we must use the word “birth” and its accompanying true opposite term Death, so that all adoptive families are implied Death families. Now, isn’t that silly? I also find it odd that while you have published the results of the study regarding adoptive parents views on open records, and that the results were clearly in favor of unsealing NY’s OBCs, you have no knowledge of bill A9823 nor any resources on the site for the fight to open the records. Clearly a link at the end of the study to NY’s Unsealed Initiative would be a simple, yet effective way for people to find their way to assisting in this very important piece of legislation that would benefit many adoptees, adoptive parents, and natural families as your own study indicated. If your organization really wanted to represent ALL citizens of NY who care about adoption and the benefits for children, then the exclusion of natural parents and those who did not only benefit and profit from adoption needs to be addressed. At this time, it is surely lacking and I, officially, at a citizen of NY, object. Sincerely, signature, etc.:) *** The orginal note: Heather: For your information, NYS passed a law this year that does indeed provide for enforceability of conditional surrenders (so-called open adoptions). There is no evidence I am aware of that supports your assertion, "Open adoption enforcement is much more controversial than adopted adults accessing their birth records." What is meant by your statement, "New York State is ready to take the next step in updating the adoption laws."? Your article continually uses "natural parent" in reference to an adopted child's birth parent. Please see our website, http://www.nysccc. org/Legislative% 20Information/ langlaw.htm, fpr information regarding the use of this outmoded reference. Judith Ashton

Tis and Tat

Newsy bits and all... Sad story playing out now in adoption legal land between Georiga and Florida. High school kids get PG and mom places baby. Dad and dad's family have no intention of consenting to the relinquishment, but....baby is already gone!! Off to Florida. Seems dad did fill out all paperwork as needed by Georgia to claim the child 5 days after birth ( he has 30) but the wanna be parents are NOT giving back the baby. Enter laywers..there are about 5 now. Good discussion with copy of news articles and laws and case history including a HUG list of who submitted what to the courts is here How many ways can we say unethical and trambling a father's rights? ******* Ann Fessler's "The Girls Who Went Away" makes it to Michael Pollan's "Best of 2006" Amazon List. WHoo hoo!!! Yeah, for Ann! Yeah, for us!! Yeah for Michael Pollan whoever he is! It needs some reviews!!! ******** Sherry F. Colb has written a little ditty in response to the Evan B Donaldson paper on parental rights in adoption. While she might be a law professor and have interest in reproductive rights as judging by the list of articles she has written, she only imagines what the views are of the different parts of the "triad". Funny, though, she ends up with a plea for the AP's pulling on the symapthy strings: "Allowing birth mothers to extract concessions from us because we are so desperate to become parents can hardly be described as in the best interests of the baby."..umm can we say NOT unbaised? An Offical Bleh. ******** For anyone who can, mark your calenders please, Unsealed Initiative will be begiining Lobby season on February 6th in Albany NY. Contact Unsealed Initiative to get in on th lobby goodness. ******* Hey lookie! I have broken 30,000 visits on my sitemeter!! ******* Our Adoption Rollar Coaster Carnival has gotten a great boost of assistace! MagicPointeShoes has been scouring Blogland and finding great posts for submissions. Ohh..millions of thanks and kudos! Follow the lead guys! If you see a great post..submit it to the Carnival. It doesn't have to be your own. *******

Connecting the Dots

It’s really funny, but when I meet someone for the first time..and if I don’t really like them at all, like if I think to my self “Oh, I just don’t like her’..it usually turns out that that person becomes one of the people I love most in this world. Maybe I see something so close to who I am , that I relate too much, but it is odd, how my first feeling is disgust. I hated my friend Christine when I met her in Studio Art class in 11th grade. She pretty much disliked me too by all accounts. From rival schools, we were “the” cool kids..there was Christine and Maryanne: best friends from Massapequa High School, Laura and I, from Berner, and Toni and Heidi from Farmingdale, etc. Plus, horror of horrors, Christine and I both had very similar big Robert Smith Hair. Instant hate. I disliked my friend Merridee when I just first met her. Oh ,maybe not disliked, she more annoyed me than anything else and I *thought* we were up for the same job, so competition again. We weren’t, plus she is so genuinely cool and considerate and loving…But like Christine, she became a very dear friend with in a short period of time. And it makes me wonder what it was that got to me that I would make such a judgment without knowing a person, as I usually do not. I usually assume I like most people until I decided I don’t like them. But the people I dislike at first, I end up liking them best. Here’s a confession. Way back, long ago, when I was “underground” on a certain very pro adoption God related message board, I came across our Jenna for the first time. Guess what? I didn’t like her. Didn’t know her either really, but again, the very strong dislike was very apparent. Now, one would think..that I being a mother of loss would have felt sympathy and understanding for this very fresh and raw sister mom, but no, I was convinced she was a stupid twit. ( I am really, really sorry J!!) Now of course none of this is at all true. And she is as far from a stupid twit as one could get. Now, looking back, I can see why I had the reaction I did. Jenna, newly relinquished, but still fresh in all the glory of adoption hype was struggling to make sense of it all, sometimes repeating the prattle, telling herself the “for the best” story…was an awful lot like me once upon a time. So maybe what I see in others, is a version like myself and what annoys me at first is the very thing that eventually does make me like them. I mean obviously I don’t at all dislike Jenna for who she is especially as I didn’t know her, but maybe I disliked Jenna for who she reminded me of..myself. And now, knowing her more..especially seeing that we are both Taurus' born one day ( and years) apart..yeah, Same in alot of ways. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to shake some sense in her. I remember when she reported that the dumb agency had screwed up and she had to sign again, and I thought she was a total idiot for doing so. (but I didn’t say anything really as I was “undercover”..something I deeply regret now) But you know what, like me, somehow I doubt she would have listened, we are so enmeshed at that point in doing what we must to be the best Bee mommy we can be. And I know, as much as I want to be able to go back in time and bitch slap some sense into myself, I also know if *me* now, got a hold of *me* then..the 19 year old Claud would have been very angry and offended, and probably hated the 38 year old me now. In fact, in reality, the *me* now, might have very well thought that the 19 me was a stupid twit and deserved to loose her child for being such an ass and not listening to the much wiser 38 me. I, both of me, would have been so busy hating the other version of myself that I would not even be able to listen to anything I could tell myself. Ah, time machine rendered useless. But sometimes, I don’t need the time machine and I am surprised when a deemed “stupid twit” does listen and is saved from this hell on earth sad adoption sisterhood. Like when Elena/ Jordan pushed back the adoption machine at the last minute and all of AAI let out a collective sigh of relief. They have gone off now into life. We haven’t heard feom them in over a year, but I know that this smart strong woman with her daughter at her side are making their way though their existence with happiness that they are together. But there is always another twit. Do ya’ll remember Dot? Like watching a train wreck, we all read her blog last year, trying to warn her but having no luck. God, I hated her. She drove me nuts. She so reminder me of myself. So sure, so cocky, so full of answers..and yet, I knew, she had no idea what was about to come, what force she was welcoming into her life. I think I physically yelled out loud to her when she announced that she could ‘handle’ the adoption loss because she was ok after being raped. Oh, how we think we can have control over something just because we want to. Ha! Yeah, I am one of those “force of sheer will alone” kinds of people. One of my life lessons has been to learn to just accept that because I have decided it will be so, doesn’t mean that it will really be. I gave up on Dot early on. I knew there was no changing her. I hoped, please God I prayed, that she would pull out, but knew that she would go though with the sad adoption because she was so determined to, and then I wondered if she didn’t have an ounce in her of “They don’t know what they are talking about. I am stronger than that. They don’t know me. I will be OK. I’ll show them.” Ok, I figure it is more than an ounce, it is probably ‘bout 20 lbs. I was not convinced that she couldn’t care for a baby because she couldn’t even take care of her dog. The dog was pampered and spoiled if you ask me. I didn’t get it that she couldn’t take care of herself, when clearly she WAS and had a family close enough by. I shuddered as I read about her desire to just get skinny again and wear jeans…again, more visions of myself. Yeah, concentrate on the vain and petty to diffuse from the real issue. Just blah. (Ha, the jokes on me. I just went over there to see how long it was since she has left us to find that she just did a meager update, but before this update, that ruined my plan, it was a really, really long time. Eh, heck..I am finishing my original train of thought!) We all watched and read as she got closer, pared off our worried concerns, and drank in the “positive” comments like “Oh you have a really great and realistic view on this. You will be fine”. I had no doubt she would perform fine, but knew she never really would be fine again. And I was not surprised when she had the baby, made a few “I’m really doing well” reports and then erased her whole journey and faded out in the blogsphere. See, I have to say I really do feel that if it was all as OK as she wanted it to be, then she would have keep going. There would have been more updates and the like. Unlike Elena, who I think really IS good and just involved in life, I see the lack of blog as avoidance. It’s the adoption blog, so she has to talk about the adoption . And that means she has to think about it and really feel it. And it is so much easier to get onto that denial rut and NOT think or feel. Worry about jobs and clothes and boys and such, but not adoption. Not to say that denial is not necessary for survival. Heck, I did it for a good ten years. So I am not judging that, but I guess, what I do say is that I don’t buy the “I’m good” bit. And that’s OK. I saw this with a few other moms, too, that were warned. They didn’t listen being so enveloped in adoption protocol, and proving “us’ wrong, that once the reality did begin to seep in, they felt they had no place to go. They were afraid of losing face, admitting that we were right, and didn’t want to be told “I told you so”. I can see Dot as not wanting to admit that it was more than she ever imagined, and sometimes more she could handle. Talking about the pain of loss and missing the baby on her blog, that’s a loss of control over oneself. Sometimes it is pride, too. I can imagine her now, trying to barrel thought life maintaining her happy face. Being an extreme go getter, not letting anything get her down, still convinced that she can’t even take car of her dog. How it really must have hurt to find soon father the birth and loss of her child that the father was not only involved with another woman who was pregnant, but marrying her and parenting that child. Even taking the name she would have used for her son. Does she feel this other woman stole her possible life? Does she see the horrid parallels? Does it make her beyond angry that maybe, just maybe, if she hadn’t been so strong, so sure, so determined, that it could have been her? What is she left with? A dog. Skinny pants, some pictures. If it sounds like I am ragging on her..I am really not. I am just as much, if not more, ragging on me..for I was so much the same. My desire to smack her and make her see..is more of the frustration from I doing the same. Maybe she really will come back and if she does, I say good. Maybe she will begin to deal with the deeper stuff for her own good. I mean, I am glad she didn’t leave the whole story up this past year so people could find it and continue to think they know a ‘good” willing birthmother. The perfect example of someone who choose and is OK. Maybe she already doesn’t want to be that dancing bear for the adoption industry. Coz the thing is…I can see her being able to ‘unthaw” early. And despite my early mental label as a stupid twit, I’ll bet that I end up liking her a lot.

All he wants for Christmas

When I woke up this morning, I had a headache. Still do actually, but that's not here nor there ( haha it's in my head!lol), as I stumbled my way into morning, and cursed the cold and whatnot, I did what I do, which is to sit my butt in fornt of my laptop for a brief 3 and a half minutes of peace before I must commence with the "get to school" shaniagins. I found this in my mailbox. And even with the pure sentimentality that keeps AAI still going, it was immedaitely clear that this story needed to be read by more people then who just might stumble across it by chance at AAI. I am blessed to say that the author, Marcieta, is one of the first people I 'met' online, back in the days of MSN Adoption. She was pretty unique then, and is still pretty damn cool now. As you will see. Grab a hankie ad take a peek will you?

Somewhere in China

I wrote this for Marsha. I like Marsha. She's a mod over at SoA, an interfamily adoptee heself (sent her ribbons for her and her mom), has a daughter from China and is waiting for her older son from there too. She gets it and I find myself agreeing with things she says. She is into educating other China AP's about China moms being real and having feelings like us US moms. Works for me. Oh, and it is just a tad inspired by this. 

 **** 

Somewhere, a woman has just conceived a child.

Nothing too remarkable about this really, as woman conceive, or don’t, every day. It’s part of nature. How we live on as a species. The result of sex whether love or violence is involved. It is a way of life.

We don’t know much about this woman. Whether she loves her husband and he loves her, or whether she laid down with him as obligation and duty, whether she gained any pleasure from this union, or gritted her teeth until he was done with her. Did she choose to be with him or was it arranged. Was it for affection or because he offered her a chance. Maybe he was the only one, maybe he was one of many that she choose. These things we will never know.

We assume her life is hard. Much harder than anything we, in America, can ever imagine. We know she works long hours, and does not have much. We know the conditions from which she makes her life are so meager, that we would be horrified by even living her existence for just one day. We don’t know if she accepts her lot, or prays for easier times, or dreams of something better, or just is thankful for life every day. What goes on inside her mind, her heart, we might never know.

She is faceless. She is nameless. She is no one. She is every one. She is a mother in China and the child she has conceived is a girl.

China, with more people than they know what to do with. Rural China battling nature for food to get though the Winter months or harsh factory life making low priced products for the consumer driven markets overseas. China, where they have made laws to control their population and based on century’s old tradition, a culture that desires and honors males over females. China, an world, and maybe, just a heartbeat away, new life begins to stir.

Maybe she planned, hoped and prayed for this conception, or maybe it was an accident, an opps, ill timed, unprepared, maybe it was an affair, or she is too young or suppose to marry another.

We don’t know. She does, but she cannot tell her story.

She has no voice even an ocean away. Even if you sat in the same room with her, she is conditioned, taught, modeled to accept her reality, her fate, and do what she must. But here, in comparison, our lush decadent excess, there is no way for her to tell us and so we can only imagine her thoughts, her feelings, her heart and accept what she has to give.

 Like any woman, the first signs are common. A missed period, swollen breasts, increased appetite, nausea.

She begins to see and feel, to know, the changes in her body. She begins to wonder, whether with happiness or horror, if it could be true. And soon, knows that indeed it is. She is pregnant, with child and about to become a mother.

 Even in the most horrific of circumstances, there is something amazing about the ability to reproduce life. Your body becomes not your own, but a machine with a purpose. You eat what the embryo needs for nutrition. It drains the calcium from your bones. Your energy is sucked out as all your cells have only one primal need, to feed and create a new version of yourself. But not only just the physical body becomes solely focused on the life inside you, but your mind, you heart. You are aware that you are not alone. Not an island. Not living just for yourself anymore, but another. And this life within becomes your secret friend, part of you , but an individual too. This state of being part of you, but not, will continue though out space and time.

Maybe, this mother to be, in China, must steal food to feed her increasing hunger.
Maybe she risks punishment by sneaking illegal breaks or sitting down when no one is looking.
Maybe she hides her swelling midsection and prays no one notices or maybe she flaunts her fertility like a Buddha in the sun. By instinct, she cradles her stomach if she should fall. Her hands run along her stretched skin. She feels hiccups and movement like a fish swimming, tickling her insides right below her heart. She learns the pattern of kicks and punches . Wonders and worries when she is quiet, laughs, perhaps, when a particularly strong thrusts forth and jars the tea cup she had resting on her belly. She feels her settle down when she walks, lulled to fetal sleep by the rocking movements of her steps and plays a quiet poke and kick game, late at night, when all is quiet and baby wakes up. Is this the head? She thinks, was that a foot? As time goes on, movements become clear. She gasps for breath when baby stretches out and contracts her diaphragm. The sudden kick in the bladder, causes the equally sudden need to urinate. And they exist, these two, in their own little world for the nine months that it takes.

 Did they ever have a chance together, we will never know.

Perhaps this mother prayed for the son she could keep and allowed herself the chance to love this life inside her. Perhaps, penis or not, she was doomed from the start. If she was a mother already, this second child threatened the existence of her first. Maybe she knew that no matter what, there was no way she could continue to do what was expected of her and be a mother too. Not enough food, not enough money, not enough time, not enough support. Would she lose her home, her job, her family for this child? Did she have that choice? Perhaps it was the father who expected a boy and she feared the disappointment. Maybe she feared a beating or her life. Maybe she prayed that even a small girl would melt his heart and forget his ambitions and desires. Maybe they prayed together for a healthy birth and a child with the item between his legs that would allow them to stay together. More than miles, a vast culture a mindset separates us from ever knowing it all. What was she thinking as she laid there late at night? On a hard pallet, coarse blankets, cold air or stifling heat. Kicks keeping her awake, labor looming, was there some hope in her heart or was she just resigned for the worst.

No matter what she hoped or prayed or dreaded, the time came.

We know she bled, maybe she cried out in pain, maybe she was assisted, or maybe she labored alone. We know it hurt like no pain she has ever felt before and at times she felt defeated and scared, that she could not go on. But she fought and pushed and felt the relief as life force gave way and, with a shudder, they were now two instead of one.

 Did she have time to cradle her baby and drink in her tiny perfection? Or was the cry of female enough to cause such remorse and dejection? Was this babe swept away from her mother by another woman, who feared the chance for affection with a doomed girl? Did our mother cry and beg, or did tears just run down her face in defeat and exhaustion? Did she feel her heart harden and her soul go cold as she turned away, not willing to look?

Maybe none of these things happened, maybe them all. Again, we will probably never know.

We don’t know who took the child to the side of the road or to the orphanage steps in the dark of the night. Father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, sister, cousin, friend. Did they kiss her good bye and say a prayer of safe passage? Did they dare mark her, scar her, leave a storkbite, that will prove, someday, that they knew this child? Or did they refuse to look at the tiny rosebud face as they walked away a drove the act out of their mind. Was this child never to be spoken of again, or only in the dark with hushed and hurried nervous voices, or remembered at special occasions with wonder and good fortune.

So many questions and only one answer.

We know that this child has found her way to you. This is the story of your child and her other mother. A story of imagination and unanswered questions. A story where you may write the middle and shape the ending, but the beginning is not to be told.

I know she exists, this mother in China, because her legacy lives on in your home now, in your heart.

Maybe mild, maybe sweet, maybe wild, and free, in your daughter you can see her mother. Her smile, the way she tilts her head, her laugh, the way she folds her fingers. What her mother could have been if free, if unencumbered, if cherished, if honored as a mother, if honored as a woman, if honored as a girl.

I know that far away in China, sometimes, in the dark of night, alone on a had pallet with coarse blankets, this mothers thoughts may drift across the sea and into the heart of your daughter now. Maybe she does not indulge them often, maybe just a birthday prayer, maybe she pushes them away, maybe she forces herself to lock these weak thoughts down deep inside again, but they exist just as surly your daughter does. No matter how hard you try, you don’t forget your baby. You don’t forget the feeling of kicking inside you. You don’t forget giving forth new life no matter where that life might go, what unknown oceans are crossed, what unheard of cities become home, what unfamiliar arms become love.

Believe me, mothers just don’t forget.

Even if they have no choice, even if they have no options, even if they know that the very act that gives them great pain is the only chance for this new life. Even if they are told they must forget, they only learn to keep it closer to their hearts, wait for the darkest most quiet part of the night to look inside their hearts and let the silent tears fall.

Believe me, I know. I don’t know you, I don’t know your daughter. I don’t even know much about China. But I know your daughter’s mother.

She is a mother without her child and so am I. An ocean may separate our lives, a language might be an insurmountable rift, we might never look each other in the eye, but I know what lives inside her heart. I know her grief, I know her loss, I know her pain. You cannot hear her story, but you can hear mine and our other American mothers of adoption loss.

And it is all the same, for a mother’s love is universal.

 You know what is inside her heart too, for inside her heart is your daughter. She cannot speak to you, but we can. Learn to love the Western moms and you learn to love your daughter’s Eastern mom too. Plus you also learn to love your daughter more…for it is part of her, it is her story too. It is part of her heart, her history, the other side of the womb. There are so many things we will never know.

Somewhere in China a woman has no voice. Her voice is here now, if you will listen.

New Book Coming! The STORK MARKET:

The STORK MARKET: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry by Mirah Riben Foreword by Evelyn Robinson Projected Release Date: Feb 15, 2007 ORDER :http://www.AdocateP ublications. com/ Stork mar·ket. (stôrk märkt) n. 1. an in-depth exposé of the corruption in the adoption industry; the fine line between black and gray market adoption; scams, coercion and exploitation. 2. an in-depth report on the international market where children are the commodity being bought and sold to the highest bidders including pedophiles with prices based on quality (i.e. age, skin color) of the merchandise and set as high as ‘desperate’ consumers continue to be willing to pay. 3. an examination of the myths of adoption that put the needs of adults, and those who profit from their desperation, before the needs of children who need homes. 4. an extensively researched and documented book that asks if adoption can be fixed—the money aspect removed and government controls and regulations put in place—or abolished in favor of permanent guardianship, or informal adoption sans the issuance of falsified birth certificates. 5. goes further than Riben’s groundbreaking, award-winning “shedding light on…The Dark Side of Adoption” (1988) which was excerpted in Social Issues Review Series, Utne Reader and Microcosm USA. 7. reveals, for the first time in print, Riben’s role in the notorious Joel Steinberg murder case. ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __ “Riben has done it again. Once again, as in Dark Side, she has pulled back the covers and exposed the unpleasant truths and problems that need to be addressed in American adoption practices. While difficult, when we remove the rose-colored glasses many view adoption through, the conclusions that Riben comes to are inarguable. Most impressive on every count….well researched and thought out.” Annette Baran, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., co-author The Adoption Triangle Mirah Riben writes that she refuses to give up. This book—a wonderful and well-integrated mix of approaches—part analysis, part case studies from the front lines, part handbook, part up-to-date law and policy review—is a testament to Riben's powerful and enduring commitment to the rights and needs of vulnerable women and their children. Riben's book is a clear, bright blueprint for change. Rickie Solinger, historian and author of Pregnancy and Power: A Short History of Reproductive Politics in America “Combines the historical and legal perspective with really hard hitting journalism.” Maureen Flatley, political consultant and media advisor specializing in child welfare and adoption ISBN: 1-4276-0895- 4 Library of Congress Control Number: 2006939682 Cover by: Tony Caruso

Blogrolls...

Got my lazy ass busy and went a little surfing and stole some more adoption related blogs to link to. Check them out..and PLEASE..if you think I missed any, give me a holla! I want them all...muahahhaha! So give a peeky and see.

State by State...

Alas, finally it is complied, though I am sure, never done. The complete State by State listing of adoption laws, minimum time frames for relinquishment signatures, time to revoke, father's rights, and open agreements... How does you state measure up?? I am thinking of fiquring out some kind of point system to grade them..lol. Now I want you all to look at this..really LOOK at it...and then..tell me..really..DO WE NEED SOME KIND OF NATIONAL GUIDELINES???

Smack Down!

One of the things that has always bothered me greatly is that I have NO paperwork from when I relinquished Max. I kept tons of stuff. I kept everything really. I have my original brochure from the agency, I have my plane ticket, I have the bottle that Max drank from, I have pictures, I have all the letters Laura and Darrin sent me. I have clothes that Max spit up on, his baby bracelets, a lock of his hair. But I never got his original birth certificate when I could have, before it got sealed (kick, KICK!!)..and I have NOTHING that I signed. No relinquishment papers, no forms, nothing witnessed, nothing legal, nada, zilch, zip. Kinda weird, right? You think I would have kept that too? So I know that one of the things that all moms should be doing in finding out their own truth is getting their actual records. The hospital records, doctors, agency, and legal forms. I know this, but I have done nothing but think about it. And dwell. As I have nothing. So I asked the agency and wanted to know of I could get copies and Amy from Adoptions with Love said I could have them if I sent in a check for $50.00. They are in a storage facility you see. And it's a big deal for them to go find me all buried away in a space saver tin box, or a warehouse someplace. That was over a year ago. I don't think I am feeling terribly much like doing that, just on the principal. I mean, they are MY records. Shouldn't I have a right to them? Shouldn't I have had them in the first place? Isn't there some law on that? Like I should give them money? I gave them my baby. That's enough! Plus, I never bothered them for the counseling worth a total of $750.00 as promised on the brochure I still have. Take the fifty out of that! Yeah, so I haven't done that. I just cannot give them money. But I want my stuff. Because really, of the actual reliquishment..oh, I really blocked out so much. I remember only odd fragments. I don't think I want to remember. But there is so much I do not know. I do not know if a lawyer was present. I don't know if it was my lawyer? I am not even sure of where I was or who was there. I have no idea even of how long I had to revoke, which also bothers me. I am big into dates, and time marching on kinds of things. And I think I would have noted 'the' day, in a way that wood be memorative and notable, if I had known when that day was. But my brain gives forth blank stares when I enquire. As if my memory says "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" So I am working on this chart for the Origins Website. Basically a list of all 50 states and DC, and the adoption laws, minimum signing time frame, time to revoke, whether they have a punitive father's registry, and what laws concerning open agreements..all the stuff that one really needs to know. Lots of hunting and pecking.And of course, I am ever mindful of what turns up for both New York, where I live, and Massachusetts, where I relinquished, and I come across the MA revoke time frame and my ears prick up and I read: Massachusetts and Utah specifically require that all consents are irrevocable. And..it was physical, the change that came over my body. A weird mixture of relief and despair, of sadness, and shock, of anger, and betrayal. I felt it travel down my spine and logged in my core. It altered me. I never had a chance. I don't think I ever really totally felt that until right now. And it wasn't my fault that I wasn't smart enough to change my mind and scream revoke. I never even had that choice. No revoke time. Instant. Over. Done. Just as bad as Florida. No wonder why the strongest recollection of that day is them ( who ever they are) hammering into me over and over again: "always, and forever, from this day forth, never again, permanent, forever, forever, forever.." Because it was forever. Not even a second to cry "Wait, noooo..hold on just a sec.." And I can't decide if it makes me feel better to KNOW this now. Like I have often thought that in some ways I am jealous of my BSE sisters, who were truly given no choice and do not have to carry on their shoulders that they did it to themselves. They can and do blame themselves at first, but that is the same talking, and once given the facts, on has to see that they had no options when the adoption machine went into motion. I hate having to say "Yeah, I DID this, I called them, I went there, I said yes, I thought it was a good idea" And so, in one way it is almost nice to know that I didn't do that. I didn't MISS my revoke time frame... because there was nothing to miss. It didn't exist. But then, ohhhh..I feel very angry. INSTANT? WTF! I had four days after birth, that was the minimum..and believe you me, we did the minimum! Seventy two hours and I was in some office, signing something for forever. I could barely walk. And seeing my state all laid out like that..just facts...4 days after birth one can consent to relinquish all parental rights..and upon that signing in 4 days, it is irrevocable forever. Oh my fucking god. So much for "I was actually treated pretty decently. I was one of the lucky ones. "Ziiiiippppcrack! That folks, was the sound of a layer of denial being ripped away. Is the inbreeding so deep that for this long something inside me has clung to the perverse thought that I, somehow, was different? I was better, treated better, oh not me too? Smarted, stronger, a better family building angel? Not like every one else, not horribly, as horribly, taken advantage of? Ouuuuuccchhhhhhhhh. Painful self realization. No time to even think...four days and then the abyss. I knew it. I remember the forever’s, but I didn't KNOW it. ******** In the midst of writing this, Tristan woke up from a dream, scared. I went down stairs to give him a hug and cuddle. Inhale the musty warm sweet smell that is his sleeping, dozy goodness. Bask in the joy of motherhood that I DO have, replenishing the batteries. As I tucked him into his bed and fixed his covers, his radio played and immediately, I heard Paul Simon. Yeah, you guessed it. I am not a big PS fan, nor did the song "Mother and Child Reunion" mean a great deal to me for the Strange and Mournful Day, but it was a good idea. In fact, I could not even pull the song from my head when it was talked about. Yet, I knew immediately that this was it. And right as I had that thought, he sang it.."On this Strange and Mournful Day" ********* I believe in signs. I don’t know what this one means. But I believe in it.

Well Thanks!!

I am sorry, but I have had to do something that I have made a personal priority never to do..which is moderate my comments and close comment privilages to non members. And let me tell you this REALLY SUCKS! I hate it, I really do. I have never done so from my own "poke at stick" trolls and anonymous hit and run folks. I have never had to do so to protect myself, but I will do so for someone else. I will do so for a fellow sister of loss. And becasue I cannot sit here all day, unlike some pathethic people, and watch for insanity. I have a life. I have things to do. I cannot be up at 3 am to make sure that hurtful crap is not posted on MY blog. So we can all thank "blue velvet moon" aka "Travelling Pants" for this. Miss check my blog like 8 times a day from Irvine California who obviously is not spending too much time BEING the wonderful adoptive mother that she claims to be, since she is obviously too focused on stalking not only her child's mother, but anyplace else that she thinks she might be. What blog is next? Yeah, old news. I was there to witness this crap over two years ago on Anti Adoption Insights. I banned her then, as Travelling Pants..for this same action. I watched her then try to "make peace" on Adoption Back with intermediatries..to no avail. We all watched as a wonderous voice was silenced AGAIN and AGAIN, with gag orders and threats and stalkings so that not only did this mother lose her child, but she has lost her right to free speach. Her ability to speak though the pain was also cut away. No, you do not have the right to bring YOUR crap anywhere you choose. THIS is not your playground, it is mine. MY sandbox, MY rules, and you are unwelcome. You have a problem with that..THEN you Email ME. You will be uncermounsiouly deleated from speaking for yourself with your sad and pathetic whines and rationalzations on how you had no other choice. I call BULLSIT. You are a cruel and heartless wrench. Go look in the mirror and stand by yourself with your own petty convictions because NO ONE HERE CARES!

I am recovering from a nasty bout of strep throat. We were all infected. I was sick all weekend. I even called out of work Saturday night, which I would never do. Especially after a lousy week and a freaky friday, but I was not in the position to loose eye contact with my bathroom. Friday night the crazy storm sewept though Rhinebeck with the force of a freight train. In comapraion Kingston looked like a mild rain. The wind blew in great gusts, the rain came in sideways. Then it hailed huge chuncks of ice, and a screen blew out. The lights fickered and the door blew out of the hands of peopple peeking outside the pastry area. Then the lights went out and stayed out. Thank goodnes we only had a handful of tables, because that was it, we were done. Turns out a huge old oak tree fell on the huge old victorian house -right behind the resturant. Part of the roof was smashed in and a whole wall feel off the front. The van parked in front of the house was on two wheels due to the roots ripped up. It ripped the wires down. The firetrucks came out. They were out all over Rhinebeck, huge branchs down everywhere. When I drove into Kingston, the fire trucks were all calm at the house. It almost felt like a little tornado. ************ I love this: In the Name of God A crucifix for the right to contraception and sexual education The copper sculpture depicts a pregnant teenager in natural size crucified on a big cross. It is a harsh comment to the impact of the fundamentalist branch of the Christian church, with President Bush and the Pope in the lead, on contraception and sexual education. Women, including teenagers, bear the brunt of the disastrous consequences of the ban on condoms based on ´Christian´ morality. The first sculpture will be inaugurated on 1st December 2006, international AIDS day, in front of the Cathedral of Copenhaguen. I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me. (Matthew 25,40) What else needs to be said? ******