Tragedy and Stigma

I think I have a full post in here in the Noggin...I'm gonna peek, wanna come? There was a discussion on SoA regarding whther of not adoption can be seen as a tragedy. Still reeling from my conversation with Max's dad (no, I have not heard from him nor have I heard form Max since I told him I saw his dad, and telling thi man that yes, you have a son and yeah, we totally cheated you out of knowing that...well, really..it was pretty damn Tragic and so I stayed with that and said yeah, for me, tragedy. Now of course, folks chmed in and some said that adoption brought joy to their lives..which yes, coming form the parents perspective, to me, is a given. And adoptees that can see the losses, also can feel that perhaps that they were served well by the adoption and it was not of tragic proportions..that the gains outweighed the losses. But the conversation itself was that IF all things were equal...bio family or adoptive family in terms of finacnces, emotions, stability, etc..so child in question was not in danger or having any less a life if raised by the family of birth, THEN the act of adoption for that child was, indeed, tragic..simply because it never had to happen. I had a written a list of things that Max lost from being raised away from us..just a particle list...and after it was deemed "stupid" to make such a list,(??) I still maintain that it is tragic that that list even had to be made. To me, adoption is like original sin but with no baptism. See, if we are born with original sin..it's like that automatic weight that we must carry though life...you can't avoid it, it is human nature..to question, to test limits, to want more, to make bad choices..and so we ride ourselves of it ( how convient for the Church) so we can have a clean slate and go though life uncumbered. In fact adoption is like the anti original sin...it is from the beginning already casting that first mark upon a baby's clean slate. It is adding a lump of coal to their nice clean and shiney bookbag of emotional backage. Now maybe the child in question has a big bag to carry and the adoption lump might get lost, or maybe this child has strong shoulders and can carry it well, but maybe, for some, it is a lump that just doesn't have to be there..and why dirty up a nice clean and shiney emotional bag for nothing?? Why give them something that they might have to stuggle with if they don't have to? Lord knows they will manage to fill up that bag on their own..why help? But society does help by blessing this thing called adoption. It's hard becasue for so many, they DO see it as a good thing for it brings what they want so much but cannot have in their lives..children, but for us moms, well it sure is the very personal nightmare that becomes a life of an exiled relinquishing mother. Adoptees seem to come in with a mixed bag ( ohh bad pun!!) and some are fine, some are fine and see loss, and some are not fine, but often anyone who sees the joy aspect really really wants their kids to be just fine..and they seem to think that they can midigate the loss and pain asopect just becasue they want to and it fits their needs. Yet, they do not have the power of the priest to absolve that original sin of adoption..no matter how much they want to. That's for the adoptee to decide..whether of not they need an exorcist! To me, though, it is a simple case that if all things are equal, then yes, I will say it, bio is better. This doesn't dismiss that there are great parents who happen to be adoptive parents, nor to say that they don't have anything of value to bring to a child's life, but unfortunalty , no matter what else they bring to the table, they cannot bring those genetic connections. So then we can get into dismissing the genetics and all, but to me it is just a simple fact. I give value to the genetic connection, granted at times, I might cling to it, for it is the only claim I have to Max that has not been filled by his parents. But it is what I have, and really, no matter how much they can try, they still can't fake it. It's just not there. Other things might be there, I am sure great love and affection are there, but nope, no genetics. And as I have said before, there is a chance that I can play catch up on the life history, the shared memories, the love, the bond, the affection, but they can't get to the same place in genetics. So, dismiss it all you want coz you still can't have it. I don't say that as a threat, but just as a fact. Anyway, that gets into the whole stigma thing. And to me, yes there is that stigma in adoption..there is that inherant loss. Now again, that does not mean that that an family formed by adoption is "lesser" or to be dismissive of the parents in question, but should we try to avoid places where a loss is automatic or even possible? YES I say! Now maybe I say that because I am a terrible radical extremist ( insert canned studio laughter for those who get the joke)..and with adoption, yes, I do talk about the dern thing all live long day. I am not some secret poster who is silent about it in my real life and vent all kinds of things here and on other boards, but rather, this is how I do present myslef to the world. THIS is what I do..and I am not hiding about it. In fact, I am surprise they have not told me to SHUT UP already at work, but really I am lucky because I have great support for my "work" and real encouragement by my peers and family, who are proud that I do this. In anycase, I would say a good deal of people in my real life DO have a much better view of adoption based on my speaking about it. If nothing else they see that I am a real person, not the fictious crack whore, and I am proud to say that no one at my job will take their fertility for granted nor go easily to "well, you could always just adopt!"...and to me that is GOOD...for their SHOULD be a Stigma. Right now there are many many people who are trying to get adoption to be recogonized and accepted as great legitimate way to build a family...and that is from their ends. And on their parts, I can't really complain. Yes, it would be great if people stopped asking stupid unintelligent questions, especailly the one's said in front of a child that can make them feel lesser, butsometimes, some of those "stupid" questions are so spot on that I kow why the parents get all up in arms, it hits too close to home. Just like when some "stupid" person might say "Oh, I could never give away my baby". Yes, that is a judgement and yes, that hurts. Yes, it feels bad to hear that and the little voices in our heads recoil and say "Yeah, well you just don't know!" Yes, it makes us feel lesser becasue we did such a thing, but really, that's OK...for it really SHOULD NOT BE OK TO GIVE AWAY ONES BABY!!!! It's NOT OK. Really, it sucks big doneky balls. And when on really did not have to do it, when there were oter options, that one chooses to not see or never got any help to see them, or whatever..even then, it is NOT OK. It is not even ok when it is a choice. It is not Ok when one is "just not ready to parent at this time"..it is not OK when "a baby just does not fit into my plans at this time"..nope, not OK. It's not Ok to stick that emotional coal in a baby's backpack just becasue sometimes it might turn out to be diamond. It might not, andeven if it does, it is still not OK. So all this talk about things changing and adoption coming out of the closet, and making it acceptabe to ba a "family built by adoption" means that we eill have to try to make it OK to relinquish. And it should never be OK. It should be the final, last ditched, we have no other choice and clearly the best possible solution for a child...where their list of losses will be greatly overshadowed by the gains...not nearly equal, not just "better", but big huge discrepincies. And if it is anything else but that, if it is not so clear that the emotional coal/sin is not elevated above the genetic losses, and the situation is able to transend the stigmas involved, then it is indeed a tragedy. And no matter how else you WANT to look at it, well you are just wanting and hoping, because there are no adoption voddo priests to make absolutions. So you can hide if you want to in friendly places, but the bottom line is always the truth.