Derailed by Disgusted

Disgusted said... I have read your blog with a mix of anger and interest. I find it boggling that you would be at peace with your decision to place your child for better than fourteen years until someone online changed your mind. Well then you have not read too well. It was not SOMEONE online, but a completley different viewpoint and new understanding and facts about adoption that I had no previous access to. It is called growth and change. The ability of the human mind to take in new informatin and process it, thus forming new thughts. It is outlined as a process that took quite some time and that I did resist. Just a small part...thinking for 14 years that adoption was best..becasue it could be on NO harm to Max..and then finding out different information that does not make that belief cut in stone. I find it disconcerting that upon having your mind changed that you decided it was acceptable to also change the minds of the parents who raised your child by inserting yourself into their life after so many years. After I relooked at adoption and most specifically at my own situation....what I found disconcerting was that unless I did do something that I might very well have to wait for another 18 years untill Max was deemed ready. Sorry that I do not have the right according to you to decide what is acceptable and not acceptable in my life. I did not expect to change anyones minds, I asked for an opportunit. An opportunity that was not available to me before being from before the open adoption age. Based on information that truth and knowledge was better, that a younger reunion was less upsetting and that having the information about me as he reached adulthood was better for my son, I did what a mother does...what she feels is best for her child. I find it nothing short of gross that upon being told that now wouldn't be a good time for you to suddenly re-appear in their collective lives, for your very own selfish and self-centered reasons of absolution and begging forgiveness, that you would disregard what Max's own parents said and choose, through someone else's child online, to seek him out anyway. I don't know where you get this "someone else's child" stuff you are fixated on?? And I was told that he was not interested. Their decision was given to me based on what he was precieved on wanting or not wanting. Absolution and beging forgiveness?? Tell me, when does that appear in this blog?? Selfish..yes..at the moment when I made the choice to contact Max directly, when he was right there , in front of me, yes, I was selfish. And if for that, I will burn in hell then I will do so most happily. Completely selfish would have been immediatly getting in my car and driving to their lives when I first found them back in 7/04. Not attemoting to go though the proper channels, not waiting as long as I did...not carelful weighing out options and moves, with the examination for all parties. I did the best that I could. I am not perfect. I am human. I was selfless for 17.5years...the damn broke. If giving up the titles of, ''noble and selfless'' that were such burdens was your goal, I think you are more than accomplished. You found it to be of such interest that another teenager who knew your son was aware that he was adopted. And to that I can only say that most children who grow up with the same kids from kindergarten to graduation are aware from about first grade forward who is adopted because the parents of the adopted children are open with them. Thank you..I like to acheve my goals. Again, the fixation on a rather small detail?? No what I found most interesting was that a person to whom I was following a definative protocal...IE keeping within the acceptable boundries of the mode of communicatin I was on..was able to correctly guess my idenity very quickly. I found it concerning as I was trying still very much to "not break the rules"..and was afraid of it blowing up in an unpleasent way for my child. Using that small bit of information to continue to seek out and then contact Max is nothing short of a violation. It screams that your feelings, first and foremost, are important. More so than his, or his parents and because their wishes didn't line up with your own you felt free to disregard them. Searching for ones children is NOT a violation. IF he had wishes that were even slightly considered, then the whole situation would have been a differnt story. His wishes were not even given due course, but were assumed by BOTH sides. To me the violation was NOT even giving him the opportunity as almost an adult, to make the decsion on his own with full knowledge. Yes, that I found to be wrong and I went against. In that was I in direct conflict with his parents..yes. But I was also CORRECT in my beleif. He was interested, and pleased. I allowed his feeligs to be taken into account becasue I gave him the ability to know he even had any choice. It's disturbing, at best, that you are a classic case of why people interested in adoption fear ''open adoption'' with a passion and wish to have all records sealed, permanately. Changing your mind and your feelings about the parameters of the adoption doesn't give you the right to intrude on another family. Nor does it give you the right to whine that his parents haven't replied to you in a, ''timely manner'' when you have shown, repeatedly, that what they say or feel carries no weight. Whatever..people will fear an open adoption based on whatever they feel the need for. They don't need me to be a foundation of their petty fears and insecurities for which they flee open situations. They have enough rationalizations on their own. Clearly, you feel that a mother has no right to any feelings about her own child. Now I don't have the right to "whine"...how about wonder and worry?? How about hope that his parents can see past our perosnal idealistic cnflicts and do what is best for our child? You changed your mind therefore everyone must play along seems to be the tune you whistle and I will say again, you are the last person I would want advocating for or against adoption of any sort because you have no regard for anyone's feelings but your own, no matter how much lip-service you pay to ''all sides of the coin''. Because you may be able to talk the talk but you walked a completely different walk in your own life and that makes you not only a horrible advocate but the worst kind of selfish hypocrite. Yes, of course..I SHOULD have continued to be the docile rule follower...just sat and waited for nothing to happen. Becasue so many people really were looking out for me at the time of the adoption and nw afterwards..I was safe and covered. How dare I advocate for myself when clearly their was no need..as I have no rights anyway. Well you have me advocating becasue..OMG..I get to make my own choices! GO due your own thing is you are so against me and I will see you on Capitol Hill! 10:57 PM Disgusted said... I never said contacting Max's parents was a violation; I said, clearly, that contacting them and deciding to disregard their feelings and judgement was selfish. Yes you dd: "Using that small bit of information to continue to seek out and then contact Max is nothing short of a violation." As has been stated, ad nauseum, Max was only months from not being considered a minor. After so many years, what difference would a few months have made, other than giving Claud the opportunity to ignore the feelings, that she asked for, of his parents? And do you honestly think that their feelings about me would have been any different in 7 months?? You know..the most important thing on my mind was NOT their feelings...it was HIS feelings. What they wanted was secondary..Do you think it mattered to HIM about exactly when? I know it did not. And while you're correct that contacting a family member isn't, in itself, a violation but trolling the*****accounts of under-age children to accomplish her goals is both gross and unrelentingly selfish and self serving. Ah yes, the grossness of knowing which school my son went ot and looking at the friends lists of kids his age to see if he was also there. Something I did at most periodically.. IE he was tere from Feb on and I found him in April. You know...IF he had had his town listed...then i would never have had to look into anyone elses lists....hmmm...so I should have just not looked. Yes, I see what this is about...I should have just waited... Before anyone accuses me (again) of being againt open adoption let me be clear in saying that I am absolutely in favor of it when that is what is agreed on at the time of placement. It sickens me that someone who calls themself an ''advocate'' is in reality someone to whom rules are ''for other people'' and the consideration of feelings other than her own is a foreign concept. Assume some more. You know the very thing I work to change say, in open records is what you rail against. Adoption is based on antiquated views. So Max's adoption, based on what was known at the time, has n hope to move into the furture? We should be stayed rules that have een known to be based on falsehoods? Stories like this, of birthparents in a closed adoption changing the parameters, at their own will, years later is exactly not the face I want lobbying for adoption reform. Ok ..so IF his parents had seeked ME out..would it also have been so gross to you?? If he had seekedme out would that also have been just as bad? After all the adoption was closed...so we are all never to confer again?? My own will...what was I to wait for? The heavens to ope up and God to sing?? Or it should still just never be about me at all right? I should just do nothing forever becasue that is what I did once? Nah. 7:10 AM Disgusted said... ''I find your attitude lacking in compassion, empathy and understanding. '' Which is exactly what I find to be at the heart of contacting Max's parents and willfully putting aside their feelings: a complete lack of compassion, empathy or understanding for the people who raised and love Max. Again, it si NOT about them. It's not their price to pay that Claud was solid with her decision to surrender her child for a decade and a half until someone online convinced her otherwise. That is the reality of adoption...that another mother is OUT there..we don;t go away even if society ould like us to, if you would like us to, if they wanted me to. Again, not someone....truth and facts. It IS their price to pay..they got 17.5 years of bliss with my child. Too bad no one told them the truth either at the time. Once more for those in the cheap seats; the issue isn't being a ''mother of loss''. It's deciding that your feelings trump anyone else in the equation. Changing the parameters mid-stream (or months shy of an 18th birthday) following contact with Max's family was and is selfish. As is the martyred whining about their failure to respond to her letter. I don't know about anyone else but once someone has disregarded my feelings, especially concerning a child, I would not be in a big hurry to resume contact (especially since they know their silence isn't prohibiting the only contact she really wants which is with Max). Yeah. we know..I am the big bad selfish person. ME ME ME!!!! Beleive what you must. 11:09 AM Disgusted in Florida...curious as to what your connection in adoption is. I read into you as an adoptive parent who finds my story with Max to be a threat and cause much fear in you. Obviously you center you symapthies on Max's parents feelings..and are upset that I did not follow the same course. What you fail to realize that it is not about ME nor THEM, but about him. What his parents and I are both gulity of is attributing what we want on him. They wished for no contact...putting whatever their true reasons as..if there actually wee other reasons..on his lack of interest. I put my reasons..wanting to see and know my son...and assumed that he would feel the same way. The difference is that I gave him the choice. If giving an almost 18 year old the abilty to say his own mind is wrong in your eyes, then I am sorry we will just not agree here. IF he had ignored me or bowed out, and then I had continued, then yes, you accusations would be much more on target. But perhaps what scares you is that he was most happy to know me and continues to be so? That I went on a feeling in my gut that said this and dared to act? What you fail to mention in your tirade of my sins of selfishness and bad character..is what they could have done to prevent this also?? That they also had choices in this journey and failed to address things in a way wthat would have prevented any following dicourse. I assume you feel it as in their right to hide my first letter to him? That they sent me information and pictures of him without his knoweldge? That even when he purposefully mentioned me to appear "interested" they kept their contact with me hidden away and pushed it off to "you can search when you are 18". And we have already determined that a few months would not have mattered, correct? If it should not have mattered to me, then why would it have matter to them in the other direction? Ah yes, i broke the rules. You clearly missed the part in your deep research, when I use to lay in bed for months after contact with them and just prayed that he would ask anything about me at all...as I beleived that they would be open and honest with him at the moment he showed any inkling of thought about me...and tell him of our commnications. Is that not also breaking the rules? When he asked and they still denied him the information? I was promised when I left him ..that he would be given honestly and openness...Am I the only one to change midstream? And what is wrong with..at this time saying..yes. you are mad, I have feelings too..now let's put them aside, get over it, and move on for HIS sake?? Are they not also adults who should do what is right for thier child as I am? Is there an errr in siting a dispass and trying to bulid a bridge? Do they have more rights to a gurdge than I? Unless, I, of course, just have no rights at all.