A Book for My Kids

So, one of the things that I need to do before Max actually gets here for his first visit is tell Scarlett and Tristan. I haven;t told them before..well, because it seems cruel in a way. Right now they don't know they have a bigger than Garin, older brother..so they do not know they have a loss. They cannot miss what they don't know they have. Plus even though I have pictures now, and messages..they are still just 3 and 5. So, I know they are going to be all "Where IS he??" And not being able to produce him is going to be fustrating for them and hard to understand and difficult and fustrating and very sad for me. Anyway, hence..why I havn't done it yet. But now he is coming to visit (no date yet, but it feels right), so I am excited to tell them. Which brings the issue of how? Adoption is hard enough for us adults to wrap our brains around, how to explain to a child without sugar coating and using all the bad terminology insults that pure childhood logic and makes them feel that perhaps there are also situaions where they are able to be given away. Garin was much easier as I could go into all the aspects of his conception, birth, society, etc. So of course, I thought of a book. A children's book could open the door to conversation and introduce them to the concepts, but I doubt that the kind of book with the word usage I find appropiate is at all available. I mean, I am NOT going to tell my children that I "love Max enough to give him a better life"...(gag..puke!)...that is just opeing the door to complete lack of security and doubts. So I think that I have got to write one myself. As if I need another project..ha. But it is important. I was going to put a few of the main ideas running though my head down right now, but instead I just had one of the 3 hour long "dicussions" that my dear Rye and I have..than GOD less infrequently then we use to..since he is "really, really, really mad" at me right now. So my brain freaking hurts and I just want to go to sleep NOW. So before I go hide under the covers, I will put it out there for thought and dicussion...how would one go about explain adoption of a older sibling in a book that would be geared to a 3 to 5 year old child...without all the feel good crap. I don't want them to "feel happy" about the fact that their brother is adopted out of our family. I would rather cut off my left ear than to have my kids think adoption is "cool". I want them to intrisically and from the beginning understand the deep loss involved. Maybe that is wrong of me? But I do not want to fight dismissive feelings from my own children. I want the loss validated from the beginning...all of ours. I want the truth to be obvious. Its a sad story. It has a happy ending for them as the real end is the existance of another brother, but the years inbetween... So ideas? Feedback? And be kind if you can..my head still hurts.
By Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy aka FauxClaud on Sunday, February 19, 2006

15 comments:

  1. comments on a book? tell them that there is an industry out there that thrives on selling babies, and that when you were young and naive, that industry convinced you to hand over your baby to strangers who were "deserving", convinced you that you had no right too keep him and were unfit to keep him. let them know that you love their brother, and that you were young and vulnerable but you are no longer, and that you will protect them now and all your family, and that you want him back.
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  2. "and that you want him back" -- sorry, i worded this wrong. he's not a possession. instead, you can say that you wish that this loss had never happened, and that you want him back as "part of your family" again as well as part of his a adoptive family.

    yes your other children will have problems with the loss of their brother, and they'll not understand why he can't live with you and why they can't phone him. even your older children might ask you if they were "replacements". difficult questions, but adoption is never easy for those in the carnage left behind. good luck.
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  3. First of all, let me say that your blog is very moving. It hit home with me.I have been where you are, at least in part. My younger children, and even one older one were told from day one about the sister I placed for adoption and even why. I felt, that for me at least, honesty was best.
    My kids knew about my daughter, helped me celebrate her birthday every year, and even knew her 'name'. At least the one I gave her when she was born. I did that because I wanted her to be a real person to her siblings, not just some anonymous "sister that Mom gave away".
    They were receptive and accepted the fact that sometimes in life we have to make hard, heartbreaking decisions, and now as adults, they are glad that I didn't keep their sister a secret from them, or try to hide her existense.
    Our reunion was strange to say the least. I found her the year she turned thirty. Seems to be the magic number for reunions from the days pre-open adoption.
    She was open to the reunion, calls me 'Ma' and loves her brother and sisters, and yet, we all feel the disconnection. I was not the 'Momma' she knew or loved. Not the momma who tucked her in at night, kissed her booboos, soothed her hurts or calmed her fears. I was the mother who gave her life. That, it appearrs and little else. I am a stranger to her who has her eyes, whose blood courses through her veins. The genetic donor who gave her that nose and that hair, her height, her hips, her penchant for all things southern, but I am not 'Mom', nor will I ever be.
    And that's fine. She is well, she is happy, she has two beautiful daughters and her life is as she wants it. She satisfied her curiousity about me, and she knows the how and why of her adoption.
    I am content.
    But, not all reunions turn out as calmly. I am a writer and I have written a novel about an adoption reunion that has a twist you won't see coming. Not something that I have ever read about happening before, and I dare say neither have you. This book is all about what can go wrong.
    "What the Heart Wants" is available at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com.
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  4. There is a little kid's book called "Sam's Sister" by Juliet Bond that explains to kids about a sibling being placed for adoption. Someone suggested it to me one time to read to my parented child about why I placed her little brother for adoption. I chose to explain it to her in my own words (awkward though).
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  5. I was reunited with my daughter last June. I told my sons (age 7 and 2 at the time) about her two months before I found her (whewf!). It went fine. I stressed more than they did. My youngest of course is clueless and will grow up knowing it as part of our family. My eldest (who started talking about being my first child) took it very well. He now talks about his half sister, asks me if I have spoken to or emailed with her, and seems okay. He asks questions now and then. We dont give kids enough credit. I framed it in a way that he could understand and he seems to.
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  6. Claud,

    "Maybe that is wrong of me?"

    No, it is not wrong of you to want your children to know the truth. Children flourish and thrive better knowing the truth. And the truth is adoption is not some wonderful fairy tale event - it is lifelong pain for many.

    I think you need to keep it fairly simple and brief at their ages, but honest. Children have the ability to understand a great deal more than we give them credit for.

    Hugs,

    Cookie
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  7. I disagree with anonymous. (find it disturbing and nutty) I definitely do not think you should tell that to your children. (you dont strike me as one that would but who knows?) They will encounter adoption throughout childhood and I can imagine it would be hurtful and harmful if one every told another child that they were bought and sold like cattle -- especially totally unaware of that child's adoption situation/journey.

    I guess for one Musings I don't understand why you were not honest with them from the beginning. A friend of mine is a birthmother and she has always been honest with her child from infancy that he had an older sibling placed for adoption. Now my friend, even though she was coerced (I call it emotional blackmail), believes that adoption was the best option for her oldest child. Another friend shared with her children that they had an older sibling placed for adoption when they were about the age of your kids. I think you will be surprised at how open minded and accepting they are of the whole thing.
    Having a 3 and 5 year old I don't believe you need to go into a lot of detail. They may or may not ask questions, and may just show excitement to have a "new" brother. Often they accept things at face value, without all the baggage. Keep it simple and follow their lead.

    Take care - Kim
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  8. My daughter was the middle child placed for adoption by her birthparents. Her biological sister and brother have been shown pictures of her since day one; there will never be a day of explanation because they've just always known. I think that's healthy. No secrets, and also no embellishments. Anonymous, I think it's horrible that you would suggest telling these children thatthere is an industry that thrives on selling babies...that is just a nice way to screw with the heads of children and a nice way for them to make enemies at school when they say that to adopted children in their class.
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  9. In a perfect world they would have known from day one. It has been a cause of great sadness to me that I have to resort to a "telling" but that's the way it is.
    I had ALWAYS intended to be open with later children, but whe I was PG with GArin..his dad was an ASS about the whole Max deal. I had never felt shame or embrassment over it before, but Pat had HUGE iussues and was none too kind about it and it caused huge stress in my pregnancy. I am thankful that Garin was a brech and a C section, becasue labor with Pat would have been horrible. He has since apologized.
    But the consequense of his issues, were that he basically made the existance of MAx go underground for many years..and I , trying to be a good married wife and save a terrible marrige..allowed it.
    By the time we were separated, Grain was 3..and a very talkative little boy. And I was just too damn scared of having people know then. I was dealing with the personal stigma of having a divorce, my mother was dying, he was in Catholic School and being a single mom was bad enough. Plus he would say to me "I wish I had an older brother" and THAT just scared and hurt me more.
    When S & T came, Garin was still in the dark..so telling him the truth was first and foremost. Once he was told, that prompted my search for Max. And then I had THAT emotional rollar coaster to deal with. Plus then Rye had issues..and he needed dealing with...I didn;t need the other little kids..who were much younger then too..to be all in HIS face about it. So really, I am human, my plate was full.
    And then, as I stated, I had chossen to wait until he was close to being "real" to them. Why make them miss him if they don;t have to.
    Anymore questions?
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  10. I see a pattern. The big mean evil adoption industry made you give up your firstborn and you had nothing to do with that decision. Victim. The big mean ex husband made you not tell your 2nd child about your 1st and you had nothing to do with that decision. Victim. Do you take personal responsibility for anything that happens to you?
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  11. Yes, actually I do. In fact, I am well aware of the part I played in the whole thing.
    Victim?? Not by a long shot.

    Actually, there wasn't a big mean adoption indusry for me. There was a nice helpful agancy that did exactly what I wanted them to do. Was I smart or aware enough to deal with the reality of the situation?? Probably of given the chance, but I did chose not to and they did enable my desire to hide from reality and "make it all better"
    The adoption of Max was all my idea..and everyone just went along with it. Some could say that they were "suportive" of my decision. Bad decision on my part and I wish someone, anyone, had cried foul. But that didn't happen...and so here I am.

    Hmmm.. i see the words...
    "and I , trying to be a good married wife and save a terrible marrige..allowed it."
    "And I was just too damn scared of having people know then."
    "I had chossen to wait"

    Exactly what is that you want me to also own up to?
    Again, not perfect here..just trying the best I can. You can see a pattern, I suppose if you CHOOSE to, but it was my life and I was just trying to live it.

    People asked why I hadn't told..I explained. You don't like my reasons? Eh, go live your own life. Show me how prefect you are.
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  12. OH!! Wait now I understand!! You are my friend from Reston VA!!!
    Hallo...AOL aol.com ? (Commercial)
    IP Address 205.188.117.# (America Online)
    205.188.117.9
    ISP America Online

    Now really.my dear anoynomus....must you keep this up??
    ReplyDelete
  13. Anyone posting through America Online will come up as being in Virginia, because that is where their home office is (along with a bunch of other ISPs). America Online doesn't break things down by an individual user's location. In other words, someone leaving a comment through AOL could be in Eureka, California and your site meter will still show them in Virginia. I realized this the hard way when I accused some players in my online trivia game of posting from the same location when in fact it was just people who happened to have the same ISP! Oops.
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  14. that comment from kris anne about reston is wrong. aol users do come in from different locations. my sister uses aol and registers on my site meter as pretty much her home state. besides that, i am sure you know that you can use other tools to do IP traces.
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  15. Yeah, I have traced. And I also check AOL, it does come up different for different areas.
    ReplyDelete

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