The Solutions

So people have been asking me what ARE the solutions to Domestic Infant adoption in this country. Yeah, I have a few ideas on the subject. lol I consintrate my efforts on voluntary infant placement. While I have feelings on Internatinal adoptions, and foster care adoption, they are not my "specialty" and I don't have enough time nor brain cells to deal with them as of now. I draw a HUGE line between a voluntary placement and anything having to do with possible abused and CPS involvement. That is not to say that I think the mothers who are in such bad situations that their children are removed hurt any less, or love their chidren any less, but I can't go and solve all the world's problems. I am sticking now to the one closest to my heart, the one that I know. Plus I do NOT believe that this is a pefect world, nor that I can close my eyes to the fact that abuse happens. It does, and it shouldn't and NO, children should not be in danger and made to suffer. So being anti-adoption, or a natural family preservationist as many prefer, is not anti child or supporting child abuse. Clear? First off, I believe in open records for all adult adoptees. Nationwide, across the board, no grandfather clauses, full identifing info available at age 18. Original birth certificates granted and full rights to adoptees to decide themselves, as adults, what they want to do. Forget this "protecting the anonminity of mothers", if nothing else, full mediacl records should be made available even if the adults can't handle a realtionship. Lets give the adoptess their rights as humans to their history, their medical heritage and stop threating them like perpetual children. I would like to see the end of amended birth certificates that perpetuate the lie "as if born to". A birth certificate says who you were born to, and adoption decree can state who you were adopted by. Why lie? I think something could work out with permenant guardenship, but people seem to be vey shy of that wording. I think that infant adoption now, in America, is a free for all. I hate "adoption friendly" states, and moving pregnant moms to take advatage of lesser revoke laws, etc. Let's stop this state to state nonsense. Nationalize the whole thing. That would take care of a HUGE bucket of loose ends. Now in my perfect world.... No pre-birth consents by fathers of mothers. You can't decide if you want to parent an idea or an issue. Have the baby first. No relinquishment papers signed until a week ( minimum ) after birth. Let the woman out of the hospital first! Let her feel for at least a week that she has some recourse, some power, some time to decide. Let her process her feelings after giving birth. Let the hormones settle down. I would like to see contact between mother and child, so they really KNOW what they are giving up. Let the child become a real thing, let the natural bond happen if it is going to. I would like to see a standard of 6 weeks for relinquishment revocation. Now why six weeks you might ask? Well the way I see it, the government already sees that a woman needs 6 weeks to recovr after a normal birth. They give us 6 weeks of disability before we are expected to rejoin the work force, so it's kinda already established. I would rather see double the time, but I can deal with 6 weeks. Now, I know that means that the adoptive parents have 6 weeks of wondering and being worried. And I am sure that that part of it will really suck for them, but...at least them you know that you have given some time for the natural mother to make a real decision, at least them you know that she is feeling that she can live without her child. I don't know..I would think that 6 weeks of wondering would be better than a life time of wondering. I mean it's not all about who gets complete legal control first, right? We aren't making folks sign as quick as possible so we can thumb our noses at them and say "Nanny, nanany poo-poo! You can't do anything about it now! Ha ha, mine, all mine!" I would like to see openness agreements enforcable. Now, I am not sure how that would be done. I don't think jail time is really necessary except in extreme cases and I hesitate to really get the courts involved as hey are overworked and I don;t have the greatest fate in them as it is. Plus, I can't see how forcing people who are battling with each other to have to hang out does a child any good. Like that makes me think of the possibility of some really nasty fights at the "neutral ChuckE Cheese's". But, I hate it when I hear of parents closing an adoption "because it was confusing" or some other weird arbitrary judgements. Or they just take off and drop out because they CAN and the natural parents have no other recourse. I would like to see a central data base were both adoptive and naural parents MUST keep their current wearabouts current. This central data base would also make any future searches and reunions a heck of a lot easier in the cases of closed adoptions. Now in tha cases where the original agreement needs modificatins or someone is having truble honoring it, I could see a panel of mediators involved to work it out and make a final decision. Kind of like the suprume court of adoptions? Say nine folks..three adoptees, three adoptive parents, three natural moms..no ties. Maybe they are elected "officials" from the adoption community..and they look at problems on a case by case basis. I think if open agreements were known to hold more weight than the paper they are written on, then we would see less lies and people would be apt to be more honest about what they would be willing to do. I would like to see agencies, lawyers and facilators regulated and overseen. There should be nationwide standards that clearly state what is ethical and not ethical. There should be standards on what an adoption costs. A cap on fees. Non-profit needs to mean something real. Every domestic infant adoption should cost the same..and much less then they do. That would eliminate the serious marketting for "happy" adoptions that we see now. Agencies would no longer need to attract "customers" to keep a constant supply of babies coming in and feed the coffers. Birthparent expenses should come out of a general slush fund and not footed by individule prospective adoptive parents. The expected parents should not feel beholden for costs of living and food contingent on handing over their baby. I don't even like the whole pre-birth expenses thing in general. There should be general services that allow an expectant mother to be pregnant and have resourses for living because that's the right thing to support in a society. Then, if they place, the funding can come out of the slush fund as reimbursement. Or something. Those considering placement should have manditory independant counselling. Information of the long term emotional ramifications to both the relinquishing family and the adoptee should be openly addressed. None of this "you'll get over it, you'll feel sad for a while" crap. Informed consent of possible PTSD, secondary infertility, panic attacks, eating disorders, depression, idenity issues, latent anger, attachment disorders, etc, at al. Let them know for real what they are in for and in for for life. Let them know what this might mean to their child, not just "I gave him more". If they are really soooo bad, and it is really "better" to place,..then why hide the facts? I don't like pre birth matching as I think it makes an enviornment where the expectant mother becomes too involved in the happiness of the adoptive parents and transfers much of her possible happiness to them in an unhealthy and unrealistic way. I know too many who really wanted to change their minds but could not "be selfish" and hurt the "great couple who I just love". That said, I realize that the ideas of trust and intimacy that need to be forged to bulid a healthy and respectful open adoption are often contingent on the early part of matching. I think this is where mandatory counselling and good ethical agency practices come into play. If matching is made with the ideal that it is an "adoption plan" rather than an implied promise. I think any adoptive parent going into such a situation needs to be informed, again and again, if neessary, that nothing is in stone until after the child is born and the mother remakes her decision based on her emotional fortitude. The adoptive parents should be just as supportive of her decison to parent as to place. Parenting a possible adoptable child should not be viewed as a failure. All and all, if there were unbiased crisis pregnancy centers that truthfully informed parents of all options then the need for advertisment would be moot. The choices should be out there, but with realistic truths, both positive and negative for all involved. Things can be done on an individule basis, but with nationwide standards citing what is ethical and reasonable and real. Both adoptive parents and prospective relinquishing parents should be made aware of all sides and issues and possibilites. Nothing should be painted with rose colored glasses and money should be taken out of the equation competely. No insentives to place, no free ride if you give up your baby, no ride on the sainthood express to heaven for either parties. I do not beleive that we will see the end of adoption. That is unrealistic to me. Ideal, yes, but... People will want children that they cannot bare, and here will be people who have children who do not have any desire to ever be a parent. It should be seen as the last possible choice though and as a society I would love to see us honor the bonds of natural families and not think that children are so transferable. I think if that honor was bestowed on natural families, then the fallout would be that the adoptive family was also more respected and understood. And honestly, I am pretty open on most of these ideas. If you have a better one idea, then I am open for change. Maybe these ideas won;t work for ALL people, but I am trying to think of what works for MOST people..and make those standards of care across the board. Now how to achieve all this...ah, that is the quandary. I obviously, spend a lot of time talking about all this. I believe that we need to have open dialogue and understanding by all involved. I think we have to make ourselves rise to a higher standard of acceptance and understanding of each other as human beings and people (umm, same thing, right?) Ok. So the way I see it, until you get to know me and can understand and sympatheise with me, as a mother of adoption loss, as a real live person, then how are you gonna care a lick about some pregnant teenager in Kansas when she might have the perfect baby for you? And it goes the other way too. I don't want very adoptive parent to be the "bad guy"..I do want you to be on the same side as me..the right side ..because it is the better, more moral, way to be and we all want to sleep at night and be able to look our children in the eyes and not flinch. I spend alot of time talking to those pregnant and considering; telling them what the agencies don't want them to know. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't. when they don't then I spend time keeping them breathing and alive though the greif. I spend alot of time talking with other natural moms trying to fiqure it all out. I have to admit, that my least favorite are the super "happy birthmothers" who are like walking talking billboards for adoption. And it is hard, because I know I too, walked around for 10 years parroting, "No regrets, I have no regrets! Squalk! Adoption good. Win-win situation!" Thank goodness I was pretty much cut off from the world and didn't really talk about adoption, or I would have more to atone for. I did try to talk one of my best friends into adoption once. I am very glad she didn't listen. I wrote a Congresional bill for adoption reform one weekend. It needs lots of work and revision, but I have a better idea now of what it could be, and how it could happen. I wish there was more interest in it. It's funny how people all scream for reform, but when it's a possibility, no one does anything but talk. Maybe it's time will come one day. I have dreams. It's here: http://groups.msn.com/ NationalInfantAdoptionReformAct/ _whatsnew.msnw I try to be active and talk alot though too. I am increasingly more involved in the oranizational aspect of it. I am going to the conference in NYC in Sept of this year. I work with Origins USA. Links to both are over here----------------> I think I want to start a face to face support group in my area. I know there must be more of us here in the valley. It's not just Merridee and me. I continue to do lots of reasearch, and read, and help people search. So do I have the ultimate solution? No, but ideas that could be shaped into somethng. It takes time and effort, but I think I have both. I think something like this has to be designed on a grassroots level and then presented as something that we damand. That as a society, we expect something better than what has evolved to the modern adoptio industry. There are lots of us..especially when you start to put the numbers together. If we all gather to one side, we can tip the boat over. As I said, I dream big.
By Claudia Corrigan D'Arcy aka FauxClaud on Saturday, January 14, 2006

27 comments:

  1. Many of your ideas are great. Actually only 2 that I disagree with: 1) I think amended birth certificates are okay, because it allows adoptees to decide who they want to know about their adoption rather than any school, employer, etc. who ever looks at their birth certificate. 2) I don't agree with legally enforceable open adoptions. Of course, I think there is a moral obligation and I would hope that all parties to an adoption take it seriously, but bottom line is that the adoptive parents are the only legal parents while the child is growing up. They have the right to make decisions for their child, just like any other parents. They are no different under the law. The thing that really needs to change is making sure prospective birth parents KNOW this. They need to hear "this is what the aparents are agreeing to NOW, but they may not keep the promise, circumstances may change etc...do you still want to make an adoption plan for your child being cognizant of that fact?" Then put it in the hands of the birthparents. Because bottom line is that once they hand their child over to new parents and once they sign those relinquishment papers, that is really IT for the child's childhood...they are no longer a parent to that child, even though biologically they are mother/father. I've adopted and like it or not, my kids are my kids and I get to make all the decisions...I decide where they go to school, whose houses they can sleep over, etc. No one else besides my spouse gets to help with those decisions. Now it's a different story once the kids grow up and can have a relationship with their bio parents. But waiting 18 years for a relationship with your child is an awfully long time to wait, which is why birthparents need to be damn damn sure before they sign those papers. Because after that, they have no more legal right to anything about that child than some stranger off the street. Sounds harsh, I know, but it is legal reality in the United States.
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  2. I'd like to add not signing termination of parent rights and if the situation is not healthy or is abusive in the adoptive family then the natural mother should be able to lobby to have her child placed back in her care.
    Open adoptions should of course be legally enforced, the option to close adoptions against the will of the natural mother and adopted child should not be legally possible.
    It should be encouraged that the child go home with the mother first and that she try parenting herself first (as is done in Australia and it has very successfull results).
    Make it easier for women to keep their children, give them the tax breaks and the financial help instead of just to potential adopters.
    Make home studies MUCH stricter so that people who are what I now call the Rumplestilskin adopters can be filtered out. See comment above me for description of a milder form of the Rumplestilskin adoptive parent.
    Love what you wrote Claud and how you wrote it. SO clear, intelligent and simple enough for people to understand.
    Also I think get rid of the private adoption agencies and only have one system that is regulated and monitored against coercion.Turn the tables and instead of everything being geared towards empowering those that want to adopt, give the support and power to the natural mother.
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  3. HELL of a post, woman! This, along with AfrIndiemum's post also suggesting specific reforms, holds a lot of promise. What if we were to do a website with articles written by natural mothers, adoptive parents, adoptees, and adoption professionals? And really got the conversation going somewhere other than our little blogging network?
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  4. God bless you.

    And I never considered the whole "six week" thing, since it takes six weeks for many employers to even LET you come back to work, let alone for your doctor to give you the thumbs up. (Longer if it happens to be a c-section.)

    I LOVE the nationalization of laws for adoption. !! That was one thing that screwed me over for some issues. Stupid people.

    And God, can we GET someone to watch these G.D. agencies?! WTF. Honestly.
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  5. You sound like you shoudl definetly get into politics - these are really good ideas - i don't agree with every one but i get where you are coming from on all of them. One thing I understand from both sides is the amount of time for termination. I do see where the mother should have time after because she can hold the baby and decide if she can parent. However, we have to also consider what is best for the child and studies have shown there are bonding issues when waiting a length of time between birth and parenting.....
    All in all - i think there are a lot of faults with the adoption system and people like you (with a passion) should jump in there.....
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  6. Oh juicy things to think about!!Now we are talking...
    So 1)They need to hear "this is what the aparents are agreeing to NOW, but they may not keep the promise, circumstances may change etc...do you still want to make an adoption plan for your child being cognizant of that fact?" Then put it in the hands of the birthparents. Because bottom line is that once they hand their child over to new parents and once they sign those relinquishment papers, that is really IT for the child's childhood...they are no longer a parent to that child, even though biologically they are mother/father. Yes..I have to agree that this MUST BE SAID. For that is the reality of adoption without the open bandaid neatly covering that wound. I guess I see it as maybe more as a divorce like kind of thing...like Mom (legal folks) has soul physical and legal custody and soul parental rights, but Dad has visitation (nat.folks.
    Of course...people aren't on their best behavior in a divorce even if it is for the good of the children involved..so that might not work either. I think that's why mediation is a good ideal...Like in a worse case senerio, and the apas are thinking she is acting weird and hostile, but really she feels slighted over their response to her new pregnancy and no one does anything but stews. All htse case workers and other adoption professionals that we would have to reprogram with mind chips and reassign...They could all now be mediation specialists...ah, I digress. Heck, I know of an adoption that was closed by the adoptive parens because the child wanted to bring her naural mum to the "Muffins and Mommys" at the nursery school. A clear cut case of heartache prevented for both mother and daughter if some education and compassion were enforced. Can we make people be kind?
    KIm...yes, yes, yes..to it all. Though as above, I think that the methods of agreement enforcement might ba an area of compromise as above.
    Thank you, and thank you, Sster.
    You know what..the information is out there. Maybe if there were individule pieces and stats and studies that support the proposed changes, then I could see trying to get it all in one place.
    At this point..it's kind of like a "make it, they will come" thing.

    I think to keep talking about it is the key.
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  7. Umm..the bonding issue.
    That's come up before. Maybe that is one area where we have to make it informed consent. A mother is given information. She gets told that she has time free and clear to get to know her baby. She cannot sign anything until a week after birth no matter what. It is encouraged because it is shown to be better for her.
    Now if baby is with her, then that is pretty much good. She's the mother. Say she feels pretty sure and doesn;t want to. She is given information on bonding of children. She feels it imprtant that the adoptive parents take the child to facilate the bonding. She still cannot sign any relinquishment for a week.
    Now the adoptive parents have the choice to have the baby for a week or the baby is in foster care for the week. And maybe that is something that they all talk about before hand during the "plan". The what if's. Because the plan can change, as we all know, when you introduce the emotional aspects.
    So say, they all decide to take not take the emotional risk, and the baby goes to foster care for the week. It's not just any foster care, but a special infant focused bonding facilating type place.
    Now the afolks can take the baby in too, if mom wants that..but tey are perfectly informed that they know that it is a risk and mom can get the baby back. In fact, she still has the other 6 weeks to get the baby back if she revokes consent. But they are OK with that because that is what they expect from ANY adoption.
    Plus studies really do show that things are pretty much OK until the 6 month mark. A long as they are cared for, the infant will mostly have the separation anxiety from being deprieved his natural mother. I don;t think the week will make much of a difference.

    So informed consent..I think tht is the answer,. Give the mother options here that she can choose from. And that's why it is unbaised options counselling. She gets to fiqure out which is good for her and her child.
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  8. Claud, do you post at alt.adoption and are you familiar with Bastard Nation? All of your ideas are reform ideas that have been advocated for years now and there really are people out there lobbying for them. I think it might be helpful to you to make contact with these folks. Alt. adoption is a tough place, but a good place to start.
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  9. Many agencies already are doing the foster care type situation that you describe. Again, I'd recommend getting over to alt.adoption, because you will be surprised at how none of this is new. The agencies we used to adopt had foster type homes that could take babies during the legal risk period if the adoptive parents were not up for the risk. I also know many adoptive parents whose childrens' biological mothers DID take them home for a week or so before placement, then they did entrustment ceremonies. Modern adoption really does include quite a few ideas of the ideas that you have. More promotion to more agencies and attorneys is needed.
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  10. Hey, I am not claiming to have thought these up by myself! And yes, some of the prectices are used sometimes, by some agencies, for some mothers...and then there are all the other ones, and the "other" situations. And that is what I think is the key..not sometimes, standards..all the time.

    BN does great work on the open records front and is a great voice for the adoptee, And Alt,A is a fabulous storehouse of information. There is CUB, Ethica, AAC, etc. at el. Plenty exisit...and have yet to come together as one strong voice..though I think BN has done the most in that area so far.

    I am not trying to discount what anyone else has done..for every baby step of progress is a strp in the right direction.
    I guess what I envision is something comstructed so tight, so all encompassing, that to is sweeping..and becomes maybe the flad that binds us all together, making that one voice very stong, uniting, and demanding that the changes happen.
    Visions of grandour, I suppose, but it's a beautiful dream.
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  11. Kim, Not sure exactly what you mean by "Rumpelstiltskin aparents." I'm a realist. I'm also an adoptive parent who has gone above and beyond our original agreements, so I'm not sure you want to say "there's a bad adoptive parent" to me, but whatever.

    Claud, I think that you may wrongly believe that all of your proposed reforms would stop voluntary infant adoption. The reality is that there would still be some women who can't or won't parent no matter what you do. Are you going to be able to live with that? I think that there is a tendency for people to want to believe that everyone has the same experience as them. "If I'm unhappy with my choice to place my child for adoption, every other bmom must feel exactly the same." Well, that would be wrong. My child's birthmother said to me recently "I don't regret placing her for adoption at all, because she is the only child out of all of my children who is not living in turmoil and difficulty." She feels at peace that she made the right decision for this child. Does she love her less than you love your child? No. Does she wish she could have parented? Heck, yes, but she wanted this child to have a better life than she could offer. And since she is parenting other children, she sees how difficult it is and that at least the child she placed for adoption has what she could not give. There are also bmothers who are 100% at peace with their decision during the first few years of their child's life...then they regret it. Nothing can really be done about that; it was a choice that seemed right at the time, but didn't work out as they had hoped. I just think that even with all of your reforms, you are still going to see voluntary infant adoption at a pretty consistent rate. As it stands now, less than 1% of unplanned pregnancies end in adoption. Adoption is now unheard of among teenagers...they are the least likely age group to choose adoption, believe it or not. Birthmothers today are older (twenties), often married, 80% are already parenting at least one child (both of my kids' were second children)...these are not naive girls. They know what they are making for a choice.
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  12. There is this funny thing going on...see, natural paents, in an open adoption..they don't really tell the adoptive parestt of their child what they feel. They really can't, often. For they really fear making them uncomfortable, or saying the wrong thing..and having the adoption be closed. So what everyone says that "their child's birthmother says"..honestly, I take that with grain of salt to a degree. Not saying that you're lying...not saying she doesn't feel that way, but in the darkness of chats..the stories do change and the real feelings come out.
    I have talked to enough natural moms who have said..they wish they "simply had known" how much it hurts. I have talked with enough that were never told "hey, you CAN parent". I have tlaked to enough who have willingly walked into it, parrotted the "right lines" made the right moves and then hate themselves for being played a fool by agencies with agendas.
    Thanks, I know the stats. One mother and child are separatd though adoption every 10 minutes. Naive or whatever, There is no way that anyone can tell me that these agancies are really ALL letting them know the facts. Hard to make a choice if you really don;t know the whole truth.
    Clearly, I have said..I don't expect adoption to dissapear. Clearly, I think that there will always be women that take that path no matter how many warning signs are in place. But if you look at South Austrlia's model of adotion reform....when given the resources, support and truth of adoption...more women choose to parent. And the numbers dropped considerably.
    So if we are looking at an ideal, that makes it moral, right, fair, ethical, safe, and still provides choices...what's the down side?
    The way I see it...the only critism really is that there mght be less babies to adopt. And unless you can freely admit that you selfishly want to see babies separtaed from loving parents that have the full ability to care for them...Wat's the resitance? really?

    Heck, maybe it won't work..but you never know until you try. I think it's worth trying for. Just because there are those who say it won't change anything?? Nah...that only makes me more determined to make it work.
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  13. To quote third anonymous: Birthmothers today are older (twenties), often married, 80% are already parenting at least one child (both of my kids' were second children)...these are not naive girls. They know what they are making for a choice.

    I'd like to call bullshit.

    BULL. SHIT.

    Your stats may be somewhat correct but saying that these women know what they are making for a choice is complete and utter bullshit. No one tells these women, ESPECIALLY the agencies that they are working with, any of the emotional turmoil that comes with being a birthmother. Sure, they say open adoption will be great! You'll see your kid! HUZZAH! They just neglect to say that seeing your child will continuously bring forth a wide array of emotion that no one, even in the therapy world, really knows how to handle. But, oh, you'll have to handle it. Because if you don't and you look even remotely emotionally disturbed, bam, door closed. Bye, bye, birthchild.

    No one tells these women who are trying to figure out what is "right" and what is "wrong," that there will forever be a hole in their heart. They are told that they are brave and wise. They are told that they are selfless. The decision to place is so talked up that these women begin to feel SELFISH for WANTING TO PARENT THEIR OWN CHILD.

    The agencies are so far gone in trying to assure that the woman places her child that they are doing a disservice by neglecting to tell the woman ALL of her options.

    No, these women do NOT fully know what their choice entails until it is FAR too late.
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  14. See, when you say that every 10 minutes a mother and child are separated through adoption, you must realize that this is not just voluntary placements (if it is even true). Many are state led separations, because it's in the child's best interests, as are many voluntary placements. I have to admit that you are one of the few blogging bmoms I've read where I haven't thought "this woman would make a lousy parent." Of course, that's just my opinion. But some of the blogging bmoms sound too unstable to be parenting.

    You are right about the honesty issue. Although one of my childrens' birthmothers is very honest with me; I know all about the pain and angst of being a bmother through her. She does not hold back at all and it has brought us closer together in the long run. She does have regrets, but could she have parented? Honestly, no.

    It is impossible to have a federal law for adoption reform, just as there is no federal law that covers abortion or any number of other issues. Separation of state and national government. You need to start state by state.

    I don't think anyone out there will be upset by fewer voluntarily relinquished babies. Reality is that there are fewer and fewer adoptive parents willing to adopt American newborns. More aparents are turning to int'l adoption or foster care adoption. For many agencies, it has gotten to the point where they have more relinquishing bmoms than prospective adoptive parents. Amazing to realize this, but so true. Some people want to believe in fantasies.
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  15. Ms. Mom, you have to realize that not all agencies are like how you describe. Some are extremely upfront. I just last week spoke to a birthmother counselor at a local agency. She is a brilliant young woman who is also an adoptee (one who is actually well-adjusted and had wonderful adoptive parents). She tells prospective birthmothers her own birthmother's story and how difficult it was for her. She explains to birthmothers how the agreements are not legally enforceable so they realize what they are getting into. If you met this woman, you would have your stereotype of the big, bad, baby stealing agency blown away. But you need to believe what you need to believe. Problem is that it's not real.

    As for these promises of open adoption, I think open adoption with visitation is a crock. I don't agree with visitation at all, and think everyone needs to be upfront about their views on it right from the start. I agree with you that too many aparents think they can handle it and make promises that they shouldn't. Promise less, deliver more was/is my motto about adoption. We are currently adopting baby number three and I am very honest with the prospective bmoms we are meeting. I'd rather have them move on and look for other adoptive parents. I know we will find the right situation even if it takes longer.
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  16. I think the anonymous above is a crock.
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  17. Ok again we are playing with little words such as "all" and "some"...no not all agencies are horrible, but alot are..and that's just one too many. Adoption has EVOLVED and some places are bottom feeders, some are morally cool. I like the idea of making the botom feeders an extint species. Maybe your experiences have not been with big bad agancies, but you can't say they don't exist because you know of ONE good counselour? Obviously you need also to believe what you want to believe too.
    I don't want to go state by state. Slavery was not abolished state by state, women were not given the right to vote state by state. Roe vs. Wade was not state by state. Who says?
    And more relinquishing mothers than people willing to adopt????
    OH, now please...that's just too funny. If that was the case, then there would be no waiting parents. If that was the case then we would not need adoption recruiters. If that was the case then the agencies would not need to advertise. And then there is this littel tid bit:
    Adoption agency planning to close - Newton MA firm says not enough babies to meet demand - After 15 years, adoption agency sees end, by Sarah Schweitzer, NYT, B1.
    ...Adoptions with Love..\..one of the area's largest adoption agencies, plans to shut its doors in June.... Said Elizabeth Quackenbush, the agency's director..."There appear to be fewer women plancing these children up for adoption, and many birth fathers won't sign the paperwork."...
    Adoptions with Love is one of 52 adoption agencies in Massachusetts, where state law requires that a licensed agency oversee an adoption. In the last three years, there have been two other private agency closures, according to Kate Arsenault, a spokeswoman for the Mass. Office of Child Care Services, which licenses adoption agencies.
    Adoptions with Love has long been considered one of the premier agencies in the area. Families seeking healthy babies born in the United States flocked to it, receiving assurances that a baby could likely be theirs within a year. The agency only placed domestic-born children, with many coming from other states.... Quackenbush said the decision to close the agency was heart-wrenching...but..."To have kept people waiting even longer would have just been cruel."
    [Maybe if we dropped the taboo on inter-racial adoptions, now that Americans are adopting thousands of Latin American and Chinese babies anyway?...]
    Now look..if you don't have anything positive to contribute to the conversation, could you quit being the nay sayer? Please.
    I mean, I just love the pople who just want to tell you how wrong you are and how your idea will not work. Umm thank, right, but I am niot listening OK? Got an idea? Share it. That I will listen to.

    An Ms. Mom...good call. I am trying to be nice. Could you be my alter ego??
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  18. Claud, i tell you what, I so applaud youur strength in being willing to continually have these debates. When I hear things like, "few blogging birthmothers would make good moms," I wonder who gets to decide that? And how do you know how emotionally stable a woman would be if she had kept? Yes, most bio-moms have issues. They are dealing with the tremendous trauma of having lost their children. Who are you to judge?

    I have decided to be completely honest on my blog because I know who I am. Have I had plenty of struggles? Yes. Do I still? Yes. But the truth? I already am a wonderfull mom. I am reliable, I am emotionally available at any time. I am a fabulous cook, I collect the most wonderfull childrens books, educational toys, games etc that you can find. I come up with ideas for activities, art, clay, imagination games. Plenty of opportunities to talk about feelings and share. I spend every unce of my life on providing a stable environment fr my daughter and at that, I succeed and always will.

    That takes a lot out of me, particularly since I am parenting from afar and dealing with the seperation. I maintaindeligtful relations with the adoptive mom, and my adoptive family, as well as all of my bilogical family members. I balance all of this in my personal life and I take out the remaining emotions on my blog. This is such a difficult journey, and I iam 100% dedicated to providing resources to women who are trying to parent. EVEN if they are needing emotional support, and help with dealing with the issues you have decided would make them, "not good mothers."

    I believe this is a very worthy cause, and I happen to know of programs in my area which target women who are at risk of making placements or losing custody and provide a supportive environment for them to be the women they need to be for their children.

    If you wish to condemn my parenting skills, please, try getting to know me first.
    ReplyDelete
  19. Sure. Alter ego it is. I'm not feeling very nice as I'm pretty sure that one of your anonymous commenters got pissed at me, bounded over to my blog and decided to say that biological parents aren't as good as adoptive parents.

    So yeah, I'm pretty pissy today. Lemme attem.
    ReplyDelete
  20. And just for the record, I never said agencies "stole" babies. I said agencies have one thing in mind: money. Duh. Learn how to read. It's good for the soul. Mmm, soul food.

    Okay. I'm done. ;)

    Not really. If you need me, dear Claud, yell.
    ReplyDelete
  21. MY anonymous posters...why do I always get the blame?? LOL

    Now I have to go see what they did at your house!!

    And..it is funny ( not in the LOL way, but in that sad way) how they can now judge how our mothering skills are based on blogs.
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  22. i haven't had time to read all of the comments yet, but just wanted to say that i think this is a *great* post! i think all of your ideas are spot on.

    i'm an adoptive mom, and my son's first parents signed consent forms at day 8 (could have been as early as day 3), but didn't relinquish parental rights until 3 months. in pennsylvania, that has since been changed to 1 month. i have to admit, those were a difficult 3 months for us, but i know the pain i would have felt had micah been taken from us would have been no more than the pain his first parents would have felt had they changed their minds after it was too late. as an adoptive mom, 30 days seems more reasonable than 90, but i can totally see your point about 6 weeks.

    as for legally enforcable open adoption agreements, i really think that's the only way open adoption can be ethical. and there is certainly precedent for that -- courts have enforced visitation rights for grandparents and other people (such as lesbian moms who do not have a legal relationship with their kids) who stand "in loco parentis." there's no reason why open adoption agreements couldn't also be enforced by the courts. it would take a lot of education of potential adoptive parents to make them understand that their family is *not* "just the same" as if they had had their own biological children, but that is precisely what needs to happen! would fewer folks adopt? probably, but that would be a good thing, because under a truly ethical adoption regime, fewer mothers would place their babies for adoption.

    i agree with sster that we need some sort of a forum to get this discussion more into the mainstream. if there were a place for adoptive parents to be part of such a movement, it would be an honor for me to participate.
    ReplyDelete
  23. aah, the she said, she said game.

    here's the thing, in my mind. all those statistics we all like to quote? well, they're only sampling a small part of any population. to rely on them as 'the word' is just useless. we just won't know until adoption in the u.s. is federally regulated and tracked.

    i hate the conversations where we start fighting. it's not doing any good for anyone. let's talk real solutions instead of telling each other we're bad parents or selfish because we don't want to see babies available for adoption taken away. there's no basis for those statements.

    claud - i agree with your post. i think some things would need to be wiggled this way or that in order for mainstream america to accept them. but let's find that middle ground and go for it! it can only help, right?

    and - yes, there are good agencies and bad. good counselors and bad. i like the idea of what the cradle does - counsels women on all of their options, and when they give birth, if they still aren't sure, provide a loving, safe, healthy environment (their nursery) where their babies can be placed if they want time to think. they can stay there as long as the women would like. the mothers can visit them whenever they like, 24/7. it's a really good option. and i like that it's not foster care - it's a veru regulated environment. i have pages and pages of daily logs telling me when z pooped, what she ate, and what her disposition was every second of every day. the agency uses the money we pay for placement to care for the babies there. and they wouldn't even let us see z through the glass before pea signed the papers.

    i guess i see both the good and the bad in agencies and the world of adoption. because i know there are some shitty ones out there. but we've all got to put aside our personal biases and see all aspects of adoption - good and bad.
    ReplyDelete
  24. Roe vs. Wade was a state decision made by the U.S. Supreme Court. To this day, abortion law is governed by states, not the national govt. Adoption law, unfortunately, is the same. It will be like nailing jello to the wall trying to convince the federal government to make adoption their issue, and take it out of the hands of the state. I hate to sound so negative, but as an attorney (and adoptee), that tends to be my job sometimes. It's like with the open records laws that are gradually passing in each state. There is just no way to make that a national law - it has to go state by state. A drag, but just the way it is. The one hope is the Hague Convention to Adoption, which the U.S should soon be ratifying. Hopefully this will have some good effect on domestic adoption too. And it will at least cover the growing numbers of American newborns being placed for adoption by their birthparents out of the country (Canada and Holland are the 2 big countries who have citizens coming here to get American newborns). Good luck. I do think one of your posters was correct in saying you must start state by state. Mason, an unreunited adoptee waiting for open records in my birth state
    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, yes, yes, and yes!!!

    I am tired of fighting. It's like everytime I say "hey, A and B bad thngs still happen"..someone can tell me that "well we did C & D"..which is great, but A & B still happened! I want to see C & D across the board!!

    I know I can make some huge proclamation of radical abolish adoption thingy..and NOTHING will happen with that. It will sit and gather dust. As it is, NOW..I am finially really hearing ALL folks start to really say some of them same things abour reform.

    I know what you mean about the stats, BUT we have to have some backing, even if it isn;t all "right" because you know we are gonna get opposing stats thrown our way.

    What I would eventually like to see...the actual bill in a way that we think is workable and passablefor mainstream America.
    A real life interpetation of what all that Congressinal nonsense means..like a study of how it would work .
    Personal stories and facts and the evil stats to back it up.
    Then, it will need the physical backing..petitions, oganizational endorsements, signantures, grassroots excitment.
    Aftr we have backing...then a blitz.
    ALL of congress gets a package..siting that this is the problem, but look! Here is the solution. PLus I thnk thay using the current atmosphere of pushing adoption as the answer to abortion can be used in our favor. Kind of like "hey, don;t push it yet..it's broken..fix it like this..and THEN you can do it..or else you are doing americans a disservice"
    I think the blitz on congress needs to be timed with a blitz to the media...and honestly..a group of strangers coming together online to rewrite america's future....that's a human interest story right there. If we get the media onto it..then the government might have to take notice. It might be good if we can find some friends in high places..

    Ok..but first..got to knock it out somehow...GAME ON!
    ReplyDelete
  26. HR1057/S1931: Adoption Tax Relief Guarantee Act.

    S2128:The Natural Born Citizen Act.
    Clarifies that the term “natural born Citizen,

    S1934/HR3896: The Intercountry Adoption Reform Act of 2003
    HR 1229: Adoption Information Act.
    Requires family planning projects and programs to provide clients with unplanned pregnancies pamphlets containing the contact information of adoption centers HATE THIS ONE!!!

    HR 584: Dave Thomas Adoption Act of 2003.
    Allows penalty-free withdrawals from IRAs for adoption

    HR 7: Charitable Giving Act of 2003.
    Includes a provision that provides funding for maternity group homes to provide pregnant women with information regarding the option of placing children for adoption through licensed adoption service providers; assistance with prenatal care and child birthing; and pre- and post-placement adoption counseling UGG..

    Anyway..yes.it is NOT the standard method of doing so, BUT the one of the biggest problems with adoption is the state to state issue.
    They do get involved..even if they don't like to.
    Again, worth a try!
    ReplyDelete
  27. One of our States here in Australia has recently brought in rights for under 18's.It has my enthusiastic support.
    ReplyDelete

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