Letters from my Adopted Son
I know that there are critics of what I have done to reach my son.I have to say that I really had hoped that it didn't have to be this way. I had wanted to be embraced, welcomed by all, but that wasn't in my control.
Waiting for an Adoption Reunion
And I just ask you all this..to try to imagine for a second what it is like to know your child is out there somewhere..and you have longed for so long..and you find out that there is a way to reach out and touch team again. All I can say was there was NO WAY I could have not done it.
For myself, I believe for him, for my other children...one click. I am not that saintly of a human.
Anyway, after the blessed "Holy smokes..mom?" I made a brief reply that quoted Star Wars "Yes,Max, I am your mother"..imagine my deep Vader voice. As well as a few things that are lost now, but it was light and joyous.
How Adoptees Can Feel When Found
""Wow, this is wicked incredible. I never once thought I'd ever see you again. I thought of you as an important part of my life that would remain in the dark until my end of days. I just have so many questions, I don't know where to start. How did you find me? We're you actively looking or did you just get lucky? How are you? How's your life been since me? As soon as I get over the shock more and more will come. I'm sure you have a ton of questions too, so I'll try to give you as much background info as I have time for. I'm a lot different from the loud messy-haired baby you knew me as. Now I'm a loud, messy haired teenager. I've taken good care of myself, don't you worry about that. I run cross country in the fall, and now in spring I'm doing track. In school I take all honors and college prep classes, and I get mostly As and Bs, with a C here and there. "
Then he talks about music ..OMG our tastes were almost identical, life and free time, etc. and ends..
"That's my life in a nutshell, but I'm sure there's more you want to hear. I'll have more soon. ~Max~"
Telling the Adoption Search Story
The messages were flying back and forth in our excitement and any fear I had about it not being "OK" with him....completely groundless. It felt right, it was right for us, he was better than ready
.
The next message from him had a lot of stuff about his life..his music..school etc. As much as I do LOVE sharing it..it doesn't feel right on a public place. Some of it is personal really..not for me, but for them and for him. It's not just my story and I do know that.
Let's just say that there is ALOT that does make me see that even in a "good" adoption...it is harder than many good loving parents know on their children. And while he wasn't all woe is me, and he has a really good attitude, he is also an oddball of the family. what can I tell you..he's my son..and I see that so clearly..and we, are of a family with a strong individuals freak gene.
No Hard Feelings About Being Put Up for Adoption
""All my friends were really excited to hear that you found me. Most of them knew about you but they never thought you'd contact me. I'm still excited out of my mind, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you at all. My friend Kevin who's in the Skunkies with me keeps on coming up to me and saying "ha, you have a mom" to which i naturally reply "shut the $@%! up" For some reason it's laugh-your-pants-off funny. And whenever I see my friend Burk I always say "my mom was a hippie, just like you" And he hates being called a hippie, even though he looks like a hippie, talks like a hippie, and listens to hippie music. Matt, who's know about you almost as long as I have (and I've known as long as I can remember), has been flipping out. So needless to say all this has had quite a big impact on my life. It's not every day that a kid finds out who his mom is after not knowing for 17 years. hope to talk to you again soon, ~Max~ "
And more:
""And hey, for the record, I am totally o.k. with all of this. More than ok, I think it's great. While I haven't been waiting as you have, I've always wondered, and now it's great to find out just how cool you and the rest of my blood-family is. Michael seems like a really cool guy. I've a cousin names Michael, kid's 6 1/2 feet tall, bout 250 pound, my age, and still hasn't hit puberty. Kid doesn't even shave yet. He's gonna be a monster. What am I saying, he already is. He's gonna be a HUGE monster. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you don't have to worry about this being too much for me. I'm ready for anything, I can get up in the morning and be told that Canada has invaded and I'd be as cool as a cucumber. While this is a great and exciting experience, I'm not gonna be overwhelmed. And I don't have any hard feeling about being put up for adoption, I have never felt abandoned or any other foolishness like that. I'm just glad we found each other. with love, ~max~ (Max, Garin, Tristan, you have a way with names, although I like Scarlett Fiona best) "
The Balance: Adoptee, Adoptive Parents and Birthmothers Needs
But it is a hard line to find here.
At this point..he is almost 18, I don't want to go behind his back and meddle in his relationship with his parents, I do need to respect his wishes, yet I feel bad for not "listening" to them ( not that they told me..don't you dare, but it was implied that they would decide and I did go around that completely). I did not want them to be blindsided nor hurt and I didn't like the "secret". I am not big on secrets of any kind. And I told him exactly that.
I also was quite clear that I was the adult who did this and I will take responsibility for it. I was willing to write to his folks and let them know what had happened. I will include his response to this for the sake of clarity, but with a note. He says some not so swell things about them. And, you know what, he's a teenager and I expect him to grumble. So what he states..I take with a grain of salt as far as morons etc. If he didn't have stuff like that to say I would be more worried that they weren't normal. I am still going with the assumption here that I have two adoptive parents that have done a great job in loving my son and providing for him. Yeah, I am pretty sure that they are not super in tune with adoptee issues and I don't think that they have ever step foot on an message board and they might even have some typical apap things to work out, but all and all..I am looking at things in a positive way. Human beings with human failings but not evil.
"I'm gonna tell the folks about all this eventually, and if they find out it's not that big a deal. They're gonna freak out and be all like "well she might not be your mom, she might be a bad guy (yes they use that idiotic term) who wants to kidnap you, because stuff like that happens to people you know" and then rant on and on about stupid stuff, nut that's really it. I deal with that on a daily basis, so no biggy. Their reaction seems pretty much what I would expect, I haven't asked because I just don't ask for stuff, just some weird thing about me, I'll take an offer but I rarely ask for anything. If they think that I was doing the "normal teenage thing" over the summer, they're even bigger morons than I thought, because the usual teenage thing is working all day and then going out every night, and then going out on weekends for weekend-long parties full of drugs and booze. I worked all day, stayed home every night, and went up to the condo every weekend. It sucked. I'm a total TOTAL information junkie, I could see myself just learning my whole life and loving it totally. I'm curious about everything, and by brother is too oblivious and submissive towards my parents that he wouldn't make a big deal. Probably the biggest reason they didn't tell me or give you the go-ahead was because they're morons. Course I'm not surprised and I don't have any hard feelings because they've acted like this for 17 years, and I'm too mellow to really get worked up about anything anymore. And they might have hard feelings, but they're idiots, and they'll get over it. I can guarantee they'll think you're wacky, but they've live with me long enough to deal with it. No sweat. I'll talk to them for you, and whatever happens, happens. They'll act stupid, I'll have to sit with them while they lecture me, and then it'll be over with. Don't worry, be happy. Love, ~max~ "
No I didn't like this having to be on his shoulders. But he was clear in taking it on. So I backed off. It's so hard to find the perfect place to work from here. Whose wishes are more important?
Well, as a mother..I go for my son's. It's suppose to be about him. And so I let him call it. I think it all worked out ok, but ah, I'll keep you all hanging. hee hee.
The other thing that was really nice and reassuring that he wasn't just "putting up a front" for my benefit was that his girlfriend messaged me and thanked me for finding him. She said that she had never seen him so happy.
And that's really all a mom needs to know.
Max sounds like a classic teen with angst with his parents. That's why generally I don't think 18 is a grown-up enough age for kids to find birthparents. But of course, it's up to the individuals; I just don't view it was a good thing yet. I don't approve of how you sought out your son. I think it should be up to the adoptee. Again, it's up the individual. I'm just giving my perspective. Good luck. This is the point where the real adventure begins!
ReplyDeleteWell, everyone is entitled to their own opnion..and all I can say is that I am trying to do the best I can. Luckily I really didn't need to get majority approval..though it would have been more assuring of his folks had been on board. But we all do make choices.
ReplyDeleteI am really glad that I didn't wait for him. He didn't even know he could search and years might have been wasted..just compounding the losses we both have..until what? He needed medical information or met other reunited adoptees and thought "why not me?"
I mean, I was 18 when I was pregnant with him. I can be OK to make that decision at his age, but he can't make an equally important one? I hate double standards.
Plus, now he can go forth into his full adult life..with no questions, with no doubts..his whole idenity, his heritage is now his completely. I would think it is better to be a whole person at a younger age..isn't that the crux of an open adoption?
Yeah, I think he has some typical stuff going on. As I said, I would be more worried if he didn't. He sounds normal and that's a good thing. I don;t encourage it, but I am not going to chastise him for it. I have said that Garin must also think me a moron, etc...and then he gives me parenting advise for his teenage brother..who in turn gives me advise for his younger siblings.
What it comes down to for me..if his folks had shared wth him my contact WHEN it happened...not because I decided to make it happen, but becasue that is the truth..that's the reality..and he had said..not ready. I would have completely accepted that. If he had never replied to my second message..then I would have done nothing else. If he had said or does say ever..stop..I will.
But he is down with it. He is happy and I think an 18 year old is old enough to know when he feels ok about something. Besides he has a shrink. And, to reassure many I am sure,he parents DO know of our contact now..which is a huge weight of our both our backs.
I was not judging your choice; I hope it didn't sound like that. It is a good sign that he shared with his parents of your contact. I am in the interesting situation of being a mother through adoption to 2 children. I wouldn't like their birthmothers contacting them without me knowing about it. I hope that won't be the case, since we maintain a good relationship with them directly. But then I think of my husband who would completely freak if his birthmother contacted him. He has never wanted to "know." Not something I completely understand about him, but it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteI think eighteen is way too old to be meeting your mother for the first time. It's just insane. You didn't do anything wrong. What was wrong that you and Max were kept apart that's what was wrong. It sounds like you turned up just in time and it made him full of joy. Anyone who reads this can see how happy he was to have been contacted by his mother.
ReplyDeleteBut he's not meeting his mother. He HAS a mother. He's meeting his birthmother for the first time.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, or shall I just call you KrisAnne? Of course he's meeting his mother, he said it himself. He didn't say "holy smokes....birthmum?" he didn't talk about his birthmother with his friends, he talked about his mum, his mother. He finally got to have contact with his mother, his real mother, not the real mother who raised him but the real mother who yearned for him all those years. His mother.
ReplyDeleteMaybe he understands that he has two mothers. You make it sound like there is no other mother in the picture besides his birthmother-mother. Like he is some orphan on the street. I believe that adopted children have two mothers, both very real.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 3 & 4 ( god, leave your damn names..or make one up..I am NOT going to stalk you!!).
ReplyDeleteThese are YOUR issues. No where have I denied his OTHER family...YOU inisist on making me the BIRTHmother. Now it's Birthmother-mother..please. NO.If I must be anything..I am his Natural mother..and he has an adoptive mother. Most of the time..I call them his folks, or parents.
The child HAS two mothers.
Why is that so threatening that I must have the birth prefix.... to keep me in my place? Make me remember that ALL i did was give birth? If I must ALWAYS have the "birth" thing..then you must always have the "adoptive" thing. "Hey Adoptive Mommy..I need more juicy juice please!" That feels pretty yucky doesn't it?
OMG, this made me cry beyond words. I think he is doing great with it and he sounds like a wonderful young man, talented, expressive, etc. I think you did a wonderful thing in finding him.
ReplyDeleteI actually don't feel the need to put the prefix in front of birthmother. I wasn't doing that intentionally to say "you are just a birthmother." When you're an adoptive mom, everyone knows you as "the mother," so it just naturally gets into the thing of calling your child's "other" mother the birthmother. So you're not saying things like "Johnny has his mother's hair color." People would be like "huh?" Online I use the term birthmother. My kids' birthmothers refer to themselves as birthmothers. I DO think you are a mother. I was responding to the comment of KimKim where she said "`18 is too old to be meeting one's mother for the first time." That sounds like the child has been living motherless for 18 years, which is not the case if he has been adopted. If you want to completely alienate your child's adoptive parents, go ahead and say you are "the" mother, the only mother. I mean, no WONDER they are going to back off because the intensity/anger is just too much to handle. Also there is the fear of having "your" child reunited with their mother and having the mother overwhelm him with intensity and emotions. As moms, we know about protecting our kids..we want the best for them. We don't want them overwhelmed by emotions from an angry (birth)mother. I think that is where the fear of adoptive parents lies more than feeling that they are losing the child. I will encourage my kids to meet their birthparents someday...yes, I really will. But I'm trusting that their birthparents won't overwhelm "our" children with their anger, regret, bitterness, anti-adoption views, etc. That sounds like I'm saying to deny your feelings, but I'm saying go easy on these adoptees...too much intensity could scare them away and make them get less support from their aparents.
ReplyDeleteI meant to add also that I understand you are more than the woman who "just" gave birth. You nurtured him, you gave him life, you chose an adoptive family for him, you have loved him every day. No, that is not lost on me as an adoptive mother. I don't view birthmothers as needing to be kept in their place or as less than me. But I DO resent when birthmothers treat adoptive parents like they are not important. We are doing a lot too. One of my children is special needs (didn't know that when he was born). My days are filled with advocating for him, helping him, etc. All of my blood, sweat and tears go into this. Then there are birthmothers who would say that I'm NOT a mother. I'm sorry, but my life is ALL about being a mother, even if I did not give birth. Fortunately, my childrens' birthmothers "get" that, or else it would be very difficult. There are already days where I feel like I'm not good enough or wondering if I could be doing more for my children. If my childrens' birthmothers weren't "counting" me as a real mother...well, that would just hurt like hell.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm....Were do you get the sense that I am all so angry?
ReplyDeleteAlienating? Overwhelming?
I can be fustrated HERE..because of things said to me and taken out of context and assumed ( and anonymous), but that's a huge dfference from say calling their house and demanding access to the boy.
With the exception that I went and contacted him 7 months beofre his 18th birthday and with out their involvement and blessing, and that I happen to not support adoption as the all being great win win situation in the majority of infant adoption placements...I have done everything as a "good birthmother" should.
No, I cannot tell people how great it was. I can't say that I would do it again, it was the best decision for me, nor can I say I have no regrets. Those would be lies.
My contact with them though the agency was kind and respectful. My contact with him has been calm and I have moved very very slowly..followed his lead, provided lots of space, respected him completely.
Yes, I have been truthful in saying that I am sorry that I choose this. That it is not OK with me that I lost him. And why? Because I did years of reseach before hand and was told by adoptees over and over again that they don't want to hear that "no regret line" That it hurts them.
And anything that I have written on these boards, etc. for that last five years has been done with the thought always in the back on my mind that someday he might see it..and if he does...the last thing it should do is cause him pain or hurt.
I just don't understand if I say I am his mother..he has two mothers...where do you see that I am discounting his other mother? She is the other one..of us two. Me . Her. Did you happen to read."Not on my own worst enemy"?
Anonymous? You're not a real mother. There. I said it. Hate me. I don't care.
ReplyDeleteLet's look at this, shall we. There is nothing inherent in adoption that makes an adult who is responsible for a child, anything other than what that adult already is.
And it is not only people in "parental" roles who adopt children. Grandparents adopt their grandkids, aunts and uncles adopt nieces and nephews, and so on and so forth. My older child, in fact, was adopted by his grandparents. (Not something I wanted but when you can't afford a lawyer...) Would it have made any damn sense if they had then declared themselves my son's parents? Or if it'd been, say, one of my brothers who adopted him and then said, "I'm your dad now"?
We need another word for people who are in parental roles to children that they adopt but who are not related to those children in any way by genetics. "Parents" doesn't cut it. Those kids already have parents, even if the parents are dead. I would like to see the whole premise of changing a child's family and a child's relationships and even a child's first and last names through adoption, die a very noisy and messy and violent and painful death.
You're not your kids' mother. You're some other kind of family person who has raised these kids because for whatever reason their mothers couldn't do it. They have mothers. Neither is you.
Claudia's bending over backwards to accommodate you. That's her choice. But I won't. I know this is an old post, but maybe someone else will come along and see this--No, if you've adopted a child, that doesn't make you the child's mother or father. Ever.
Crazy.Totally crazy!I am so glad you DID contact him when you did. I am so glad that he has never had to think"my mom gave me up and doesn't care about me, never looked for me,was glad she got rid of me etc" Well done! And at least you started by respecting the adoptive parents too,even though they were too insecure (I assume) to let him know immediately.
ReplyDeleteIf you can go off and 'die' for your country at 18, you should be allowed everything else. period. yes including alcohol. (which is a small thing compared to knowing where u come from)
ReplyDelete