Annual Pre-Xmas Melt Down

Somehow, I just can't avoid it. I guess it's just like the birthday blues that we, mothers in exile, get around our adopted children's birthdays. I really do expect it, but I am alsways so surprised by it's intensity. Anyway, today was the day. Yippee! Illness is still constant in the house. My hangover, from last Saturday night, DID turn into the flu. Then it attacked Evan, Garin and Rye in that order. I ended up not really eating anything from Saturday until this Thrusday and getting super dehydrated on top of that. Plus, I am still coughing like a maniac. On top of that, I think I scratched my right cornea or something, because my eye is sper sensitive to light, and hurts, and leaks all damn day. I'm tired, I'm cranky. I am way behind on shopping and need for Rye's next check to get the kids stuff done. And I think it's PMS time too. This morning, my eye hurt something awful. Now I have no way of knowing if you, dear reader, have good eyesight, but mine sucks. I have been wearing glasses since 4th grade, 100% dependent on them since 7th grade, and have had contacts since I was 12. My hand in front of my face is blurry without help. 350/20 is considered legally blind..if you see that bad with help. That's my natural eyesight, so I am not blind, but it gives you a good idea of how bad it is. I don't feel awake or alive if I can't see. So it freaks me out when I have eye isues. Plus it really hurt. And I am just really cranky and grumpy in the morning. I don't like much of anything before I have time to have my coffee and check my internet world which I ususally do together. So that, together with feeling just abit annoyed with Rye, wasn't all that great. Rye was puking last night. I have mentioned how bad he is when he is sick? Yeah, I thought so. He hasn't been as bad the last few years as when I first met him, but he was whiney last night. Which wouldn't have been sooooo bad, since I know it is a bad sicky thing and he has been better, but when I was sick...he wasn't all that nice to me. He was kinda curt, not nuturing. Not that nuturing is really his strongest point anyway. He's a good soul, but he doesn't make you think sensitive male, or being too in touch with his feminine side. Then he'll get glassy-eyed at some weird movie..like "Family Man" or watch the re-run of ER where Lucy dies and call me at work....so it's in there, a soft part of his heart. Plus, he's fiercely loyal. He does great with the major big horrible things of life...really gets calm and focused, finds solutions, motivates, but the day to day challanges..eh, sometimes he'll cop a "man" attitude..calous, gruff, primative. Being sick is hard for him becasue he can't "fix" it. Any, here I am morning crankies with a ruiney eye, all weeping in the kitchen. And he tried to take my hand just as I was turning to flop in dispare on the nasty yellow chair, and I pulled aburptly away. So THAT made him all feel regected. That's part of the problem with him wanting to "fix" everything. If I'm cranky and he acts nice, then I am supposed to get automatically un cranky. And sometimes, I just don't feel fixable. Sometimes, I am juat broken and need to cry. Usually right before my period when the trials of day to day life seem just so unending and unmanagable that all I can do is sob. I need hugs and pats on the back and baby kisses on the forehead. Don't squeeze my boob. Don't try to tickle me. Don't act annoyed when I am just sitting and crying and role your eyes. And I have told him all this before so it's not like I expect him to read my mind. It wasn't pretty. Nothing noteable, but we were not to nice with each other..for no real reason. And instead of have a nice day, we exchanged FU's. Sometimes, it's just one of them days. I was going to type out my liteney of issues that made me weep this morning, but it hardley seems worthy of it now. I am definatly feeling the christamas stress, but I am not worried. Like I know it will "be OK" because I will make it so, but the money is tighter this year. Of course, some years it seemed non existant and then, something came though...so it will be OK, again, somehow. All and all, it's fading out like bad PMS. That's a good thing. I can't check my mail from my laptop right now. Actually, I couldn't all day. Something is up with Yahoo, but it's isolated to my machine. I did get into it from Rye's desktop, but it's a bother to have to go over there. I'd have to cross the room to do that. And I do usually check my mail like 12 times a day. You know what else? I really, really wish I would hear from Max. I haven't since right after his birthday and I have sent him 4 "chatty" bits since then. The tension and dissapointment from that begins to coil around me like a spring. The longer the time frame, the thighter I am wound. Plus, this is almost a month..or just a month rather..of no contact, but it is the month immediately following his parents finding about, kinda harshly, that we had already been in direct contact. So, I am worried. I suppose I should write that whole story out. Not tonight though. I need to sleep.