In the Dollhouse; A Message from my Mother

The Christmas before I turned twelve, my parents got me a dollhouse.

Not just any dollhouse but they had it custom made by a local man for me. We had been looking for just the right house for quite a while. I don't know how I got into it, but my mom and I went to quite a few places looking for a good dollhouse.. You know the serious collector kind; 1" to 12" scale.. all miniatures.. the scaled down wallpapers etc. The kits were all crappy and many of the custom ones were way crazy priced. Eventually, we found this man who actually made scaled houses for insurance brochures. Like he would make a mini house and smash it with a mini tree so potential insurance customers could witness the devastation.

What was important was that he made a really good quality house and would customize it exactly as we wanted and while it took quite some time and cost allot, I had a beautiful custom miniature dollhouse under the tree that year.

My mom and I used to go every year to the Dollhouse & Miniatures Show and buy the most amazing collectables for my house. I had the whole thing.. porcelain bath set, custom upholstery, carpets, working electric lights.. it was beautiful. And, surprisingly enough, though I banned it from my room at one point during my teen years, I never trashed it or spray painted it black.

When I moved off Long Island, the Dollhouse stayed behind in my old room.

Same as it ever was, it was only after my mother had died and we were getting ready to sell the house that I prepared to take it back with me to upstate NY. After the huge tag sale and the U-Haul full of furniture I kept, I still left the house. In fact. it was literally the last piece of my family's life left in the house. The whole place was empty, except for my dollhouse on the floor in my old bedroom. I had planned to pick it up when I went down for a visit as back then, I used to travel down to the Island much more often for parties and to see friends, etc.It made sense since I still appreciated the heirloom aspect of the house and thought that taking it up in my car as a single transport would be best for the house.

But on my next trip to Massapequa Park, and I went to to get it, my dollhouse was gone.

The only thing left in the spot that it had sat was a small cupboard and a single porcelain doll. I called my Grandfather thinking that he must have moved it to his house for some ungodly reason, but he had no idea either. After checking with my uncle, we came to the conclusion that the dollhouse had been stolen which was pretty odd consider.. well it was the only thing IN the house and it was on the second floor so it wasn't like someone could see it through a window.. and then, all the doors had been locked too.

My mother's house was on the market then and had a lock box. While we would have thought that the local realtor that had the listing would be horrified that a priceless family possession had been stolen from a dead woman's house, but oddly enough, he kind of brushed it off. While my Grandfather did report it to the Nassau Country Police Department, I don't think that they had much care or motivation to find a doll house thief. My grandfather did, however, report that the said realtor had five granddaughters, so based on that and his lack of concern; my best guess is that he stole it.

This happened fifteen years ago or so and it still makes me angry.

After Scarlett was born and I finally had the girl to pass it down to, it would come to mind periodically and I would feel angry all over again. I have thought about getting a kit and building one or something, but she is not yet nine and she is rough on her things, so I have held off.
So, I am alone with the kids this weekend as Rye left for Florida today. His cousin is getting married and we really couldn't afford for us all to go, plus if I am in Florida with my kids there is NO WAY I am not getting them to Disney! And I had no time off from work after my arm surgery, but that's OK, I am looking forward to getting much accomplished this weekend.

Anyway, so being that it's Friday and we had to get a birthday present for a party the kids are invited to tomorrow, I figured we would do a bit of shopping and then have a nice kid time dinner out ( which meant Friendlies, but whatever!) I wanted to stop by the local Salvation Army to do some "shopping".. to be honest I have been so impressed by the clothes there lately.. I have great stuff there with killer labels... for like nothing.. so it's a great way to get my shopping clothes needs taken care of for nothing. I really wanted to get some wine glasses for the office since I am now reviewing wines weekly for a clients wine review blog and I HATE drinking at the office in plastic cups. I know, my job rocks. I have to drink to drink wine.

Anyway, we are at Sally's Boutique and as we get up to the register with wine glasses and various clothing in hand ( Gap Claret colored silk shirt $2.99!), I notice that the place has dolls houses all over. In fact, they are some pretty nice dollhouses. So I leave my stuff on the counter and I go over to look at them and I am floored.

These, my friends, are some seriously NICE dollhouses!

Like close to my old custom doll house nice! Quarter inch plywood construction, windows and doors, siding.. and they were ..well at the Salvation Army.. so for a doll house like these, they were cheap!

And I could hear her. I mean literally I could hear my mother saying, "Claudia, you go now and buy my granddaughter her dollhouse!"

And so I bought the Dollhouse

Much to my children's dismay, I looked at them all ( there were five, six?) and picked out the best one.. that looked closest to my old dollhouse and we bought it. I told Scarlett to thank her Grandmother and yes, this would be part of an early Christmas present and she better not color the walls with watercolors or markers , but I paid for it and put in the trunk. Then we went ot Target and I had to spend money on a big Lego set to even it out for Tristan, but I didn't care one bit that I was wild and impulsive.

It just felt like that was supposed to be THE dollhouse. And besides, my mother said so. She would haunt me if I didn't get it. It really is perfect and so well made:

• The base is painted a rough gray texture like cement


• The siding is clappord wood siding pained yellow.


• It has gingerbread trim and real wood shutter.


• The roof is tiny cedar shakes with copper sheeting underneath! I just discovered the copper and I am very impressed. I think the thing could shed rain water!

And, the inside is completely unfinished, so we can take ourselves over to Ben Franklin Crafts in Town and start getting the teeny tiny wallpapers and Oriental rugs.

Remember that last forgotten doll left after the heist ? Well Scarlett has had possession of her and when we got home, she went and got her and put her in the house. I think my mom smiled.
I do know that something got to me. I had some connection somehow and something opened up inside me too.. becasue, when we were at Target and buying a birthday card for the party tomorrow. I saw this really stupid talking Pirate card. And I bought that too.

Guess who is going to be getting that in the mail next week? Yeah.. I think my momma gave me a kick in the ass tonight and I know to listen.

My mother, she was often right. She doesn't say much anymore, but when she does now; I listen.

Adoption, Relinquishment, Informed Consent, Abortion, 911, and Insurance: How to Fix Adoption??

I don't know why, but the responses to my last post about my dreading with November was overwhelming to me. It wasn't that people responded with kindness; I actually expect the innate goodness and compassion of most. It wasn't that my feelings obviously resonate to what other moms feel during the birthday months of our relinquished children either. It was more like I was so struck at how very similar the feelings were between us all and that got me thinking.

I get so very frustrated at feeling like a birthmother.

I try really hard not to. I try to put mind over matter. I try to avoid thinking about adoption so I don't dwell on it. I am not wallowing in the negativity or bad feelings, but still; it happened. As I said I felt the big cranky coming on.. first like PMS, and then it got even worse. I think I am over the big hump, thanks to Rye who went out on Friday night ( labor) and got me a incredulous amount of Ferro Roches Chocolate and then, stayed home with me on Saturday night because I did not want to be alone and then held me as I cried for really no reason on Sunday morning.
Honestly: I was tense, upset, felt emotionally inside out and on a certain level not within the current time and place; like leave my brain alone for one moment and I travelled back in time 22 years to what I was doing during the birth, relinquishment and adoption of my newborn son. No matter who much, however, I tried, the big cranky was going to happen; like the adoption I had little choice.

Too Many Birthmothers Suffer this Birthday Depression

If that happens, in some form or another to MANY mothers who relinquish, then it stands to reason that this "birthday depression" is truly caused through the act or relinquishment and separation form our babies. While I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is also a all too common side effect of relinquishment; I don't know if THIS falls under that category because, well, not enough studies have been done on birthmothers though what has been done has some pretty frightening conclusions:

"...Examined the experiences and needs of birth mothers who relinquished a child for adoption. Historically, birth mothers have been neglected; their experience is considered to have ended at the time of placement. This research however, indicates the long-term implications of relinquishment are severe—particularly in relation to mental health. They demand that the complexity and uniqueness of relinquishment as a form of loss be more fully understood, birth mothers' reactions to those experiences are not pathologized and professionals learn to respond more positively. GP's in particular need to develop a more sensitive understanding of their needs and in so doing could prevent the medicalization of some birth mothers.."

Anyway, while I knew all this, it got me thinking.

No one really warns us of what we shall be facing after we relinquish. The agencies do not because they do not Have to and if they told us the truth, pre-placement- well we know that the numbers of mothers who surrendered to adoption would decrease substantially as it has in Australia.

Due to the lack of adoption facts, there is lack of informed consent with relinquishment.

Historically, adoption has been able to slip around the true disclosure because it has been considered an sociological 'choice' not a medical procedure. The medical aspect is being pregnant and giving birth, but the relinquishment has been treated like an afterthought and also kind of falling under the mind over matter heading.

Not to bring up the hated comparison, but let us look at Abortion.

Abortion is a medical act and while the Pro-Lifers have done a wonderful job of lobbing for special regulations regarding abortion. As the state’s interest in promoting women’s autonomy and psychological well-being. It is claimed that Women facing abortion choices need special safeguards to protect them from misunderstanding the nature and consequences of their decision and from the regret that might come from having an abortion without understanding important facts about the intervention.

While many, including many feminist groups have disputed whether or not a woman's special-protection rationale in the name of abortion imputes to women a psychological vulnerability and lacks evidentiary support, based on the parallel aspects in adoption and relinquishment; I'll welcome that clause in there and keep it in mind. After all; if we cannot seem to be able to make a true decisions about abortion unless we invasion our baby's sonograms, then maybe e cannot make a true decision on adoption and relinquishment unless we invasion the act of parenting?
Even without the special provisions, abortion still falls under the state by state blanket laws regarding informed consent:

Informed Consent Law

"In many situations where medical care or treatment is provided to an individual, medical professionals are required to obtain the patient's "informed consent." Although the specific definition of informed consent may vary from state to state, it means essentially that a physician (or other medical provider) must tell a patient all of the potential benefits, risks, and alternatives involved in any surgical procedure, medical procedure, or other course of treatment, and must obtain the patient's written consent to proceed. If this duty is breached and injuries result, the patient may have a legal claim for damages.

The concept of informed consent is based on the principle that
a patient has the right to prevent unauthorized contact with his or her person and, thus, a physician has a duty to disclose information to the patient so that he or she can make a reasoned decision regarding treatment, based on an understanding of the treatment to be provided" . (Informed Consent Law)

So we wind up having elective plastic surgeries like a breast implant with more informed consent protection and regulation than the relinquishment of a baby. We end up with a whole Division of Drug Marketing, Advertising and Communications at the FDA to ensure that companies that sell prescription drugs also provide information that is truthful, balanced, and accurately described including all the risks and possible side effects of taking the medications advertised. I mean, even the Viagra ads warn men of that four hour long erection! We end up with abortion providers that must, in order to receive federal funding, make women go through hoops and sign disclosures to terminate a pregnancy, but nothing along those lines when a woman wants to terminate her motherhood and relinquish an infant to adoption.

Because Adoption and Relinquish are NOT medical

• There are no laws governing what an adoption agency can say and cannot say.


• There are no consequences if they outright lie on their websites about open adoption, affects on adopted children or the long term risks of relinquishment.


• There are no government sponsored watch dog groups or official forms to sign.


• There isn't even a real good guidebook for birthmothers so we know that to look for and expect the rest of our happy birthmother lives.

Nada, nothing, Zip.. we are on our own with only the professionals at the agencies to guide us and as we all well know, once you sign the papers and the power transfer is complete, they don't really care much for us anymore. We become the blind leading the blind, thinking we alone are "wrong" somehow in this journey until we miraculously find others who can validate our experiences as normal.

That's what overwhelmed me about my post last week. That for us, the birthday blues ARE normal. And again, it got me thinking, If it is so widespread and so normal; and as much as I tried to fight it off, much like a common cold that I don't want to get; I have no choice and it happens to us all anyway.

Does relinquishing a child to adoption have the ability to physically change us in some way?

Can it be that in all actuality, the long term affects are more than just emotional, more than mental, more than needing counseling, but a real physiologically induced change from the mother s we would have been if we had not relinquished and had parented our lost children?
I mean; every year as this happens to me and I fight I am overcome with the feeling that no matter what my mind says; my BODY knows. I have said it before; it is on a cellular level. It's not just mental, my body physically is tired. I ached. I am tense. I usually end up getting my period and bleeding. Even this year, while completely mid cycle and well away from any time of real bleeding; I spotted. I also had cramps. Did my mind do that?

So I got to thinking.. if somehow.. and this would be the clincher.. we could get the act of relinquishment to be considered a medical procedure with medical risks; then we are putting adoption in a whole new context.

Then, adoption would require real informed consent as a medical act.

Then adoption agencies would have to have their advertisements regulated. Then they would have to have real disclosure of facts and risks. Then, we can piggy back a whole bunch of adoption legislation based on the work down by the Pro-lifers before us.. because while I do not agree with their stances; I can see that what they have been doing sometimes works.

And then today, the last piece fell into place: The hated insurance companies.

Since we are a gross capitalistic society; the ultimate power to create change does fall into the control of the mighty dollar. I can beat my head against the injustice of this until the cows come home; but what if we worked with it rather than against it.

I thought of a bit of miscellaneous fact that I have keep harboring in my head for some time. It was because of insurance companies that nationwide Police departments and first responders became to take domestic situations seriously and actually began to respond to them and help woman.

• Not because public opinion changed regarding wife beating.


• Not because the public became all informed and concerned.


• Not because the public defenders got tough with spousal abuse.


• Not because local police departments had more woman on the force.


• Not because of domestic abuse lobby groups.


• Not because of made for TV movies and "The Burning Bed".

Nope. The laws changed and spousal abuse became a serious crime because of one case and insurance premiums. I'm doing more research on it right now, including finding sources, but the whole nations 91 systems was improved due to this issue. I am remembering that it was a wrongful death claim filed against a police department and unless the department improved its response time to 911 domestic violence calls, they would have a huge insurance premium. Once one court found for the plaintiff and sided against the police department; then that opened the door to allow all the nations police departments be vulnerable and all of their insurance premiums would go up unless they all improved their response time to those 911 calls.

So the whole NATION changed it views on domestic violence because to increased insurance premiums.
The whole NATION adopted 911 and started to bring it to rural areas.
The whole NATION took domestic abuse seriously because they had to or they would have to pay more money.

Imagine what the loving Adoption Option would look like if:

What if we were able to document that relinquishment to adoption is a medically altering decision.

What if then, the informed choice became mandatory

What if then, advertising oversight went into effect.

What if then, we, someone, I sued their agency for not effectively informing us of the risks and giving adequate informed choice.

What of that made all the nice little non for profit adoption agencies have increased insurance premiums unless they openly disclosed the lifelong effects of adoption on relinquishing mothers.

And then, what if they had to change their tunes, less they can't pay their bills and mothers actually were warned!

Then, on my stars, mothers might actually have the truth and know what they were getting themselves into for the rest of their lives when they make those adoption plans! And maybe, they might choose to parent their babies!

Yeah, so it's a lot of what if's.. but Is it impossible?

Or is it possible?

I think I shall begin hunting for more medical research. I think we need to find somebody, place, university, funding to be studied. I think that I would gladly get strapped up to a million machines and electrodes and get cats sans if they can somehow prove that we are physically altered. I mean; people who are abused have brain changes. Drugs create brain changes. Violence creates brain changes.

Why should a traumatic emotional separation from our children NOT create a brain change?

I say, I am physically different than I would be if I had not relinquished. My other children's birthdays do not affect me in this way at all. Adoption medically altered me. And I think it's time that somehow, we stop fighting the system and start finding ways that it CAN work for us.
And that can keep other mothers form living this fate.

At least that's what I am thinking. That's what all your responses did to my brain.. I have another insanely huge idea on how to somehow fix adoption.

November: A BirthMothers Season of Loss

Here it comes. I don't know why I am surprised. It's November. It's National Adoption Awareness Month. Max's Birthday is on Saturday. My due date for him was tomorrow November 12th. IOnto the Season of Max I roll.. Gotcha Gotcha Gotcha!

I feel the big cranky coming on.

Tuesday night when I found myself almost in tears over a pretty much a nothing conversation with Rye, I immediately thought "PMS?", but that's a tell tale sign because it feels like that.

Then, I have absolutely NO patience for the two younger kids. Granted working from home like I had to do on Veterans' Day is taxing. They had a day off, but I had work to do and trying to write is kind of hard when they kept interrupting every thought the minute it formed in my brain. I had to eventually bann them from entering my office which really mean that they yelling went form ," Please stop telling me about some person on a stupid cartoon show while I am trying to work!" to "Get OUT OF THE OFFICE!!"

I have yelled at my kids ALOT this week.

I have also noticed that going to bed ungodly early is pleasant and all I yearn to do is watch endless Law and Order repeats. Did you know that some nights, USA plays SVU ALL NIGHT LONG? And that even when it's not Tuesday, one can pretty much load the remote to go from law and Order to SVU to CSI to NCIS pretty much till dawn without running into an infomercial. I got skills like that.

Alas, however, I know that for me, a urge to watch lots of TV means that I am going through a little depressed period. It means I am "off" the computer and not really into writing and would like to hide from my reality, thank you very much.

Yeah, the highlights of my week is that I watched America's Next Top Model last night and the two girls I called as my favs are in the finals and I am looking forward to Project Runway tonight.

I wasn't even that excited that Rye brought home Sushi tonight.. I actually believed him when he said he got Arby's and wanted some nice junky fake meats.

Yup.. it's coming. Nothing "feels" right.

Everything makes me cranky. I just want to be left alone. I want to haul off and scream at people. I want to shout out about how adoption is not great or wonderful or something to celebrate. I want to take enough sleeping pills that I can take a long nap.. until a few days before Thanksgiving.

I HATE THIS. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

I swear I am NOT trying to think about it or work myself into a mess ort make something out of nothing.. it just is THERE Like a huge black cloud hanging over my soul.... like a low grade fever.. like festering boil.. like a rotting limb on a tree.. like a volcano building up pressure.. I feel it growing.

• Irritable


• Cranky


• Prone to tears


• Depressed


• Easily Flustered

Yup.. welcome to November

Go celebrate adoption somewhere else, please. For me, even 22 years after giving birth and relinquishing my son.. I don't want this to be my life. I want a do over. I call foul. I call bullshit. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't like it. I don't want and it really is unfair that I have to do this crap for the rest of my freaking life.

God, I hate adoption.

I don't know if my goals should be to get through the next week without completely losing it? Or should I just plan, as I used to for years, to just make myself get it out of my system in some cathergic manner. You know, take the adoption demons out of the box, let them fly around the room nipping and biting at me until I am trully a snivling pile of emotional go and fear for my own sanity? Thats aways the big question. If I cause the pile of goo then at least I have some contorl over the when and where I have the adoption related emotional breakdown. You know, so It wount be at the office or during dinner or something. Then maybe I can hide it from the kids and Rye? Secret myself away someplace.. maybe hide in the attic for an hour or two and lose my mind and hope they won't notice?

'Cept they never leave me alon for two hours at time.

How the hell am I supposed to plan my break down?

Next Friday Rye goes to Florida for two nights for his cousin's wedding. Maybe, just maybe, I can hang on until then and THEN I can just let all the hurt and pain and pent up angst come pouring out? I am just afraid that I won't make it that long. My eyes are already leaking as I type. It's at the point now that the crankiness brings the recognition of the thoughts.. and then thoughts are bringing the tears.. and I don't think that bad hyperventallation breathing is long behind.

Nope, it won't be long now.

Twenty-two years ago, I anxiously waited to go into labor and give birth to my baby so I could "get on with my life". The nice adoption agency was waiting to to wisk him away to his better life. I was wonderful and strong and selfless then and they all held my hand and patted me on the head.

Now.. it's just time to feel it play out again and again...God I wish there was some way to NOT have every freaking November in my life be like this. It feels so stupid to have to yell at one husband IT'S FUCKING NOVEMEBER!!when he asks for the 18th time "What's Wrong?"

It's November. Nothing is Right about November any more.
Now please excuse me; I have some sanity to get out from under.